How to get over my feelings of never having my bio dad around.

[StepintoChristmas29]

Posting here as don’t know who else to turn to. Never had my bio dad around. He lives locally, not hard to find so this is not an issue.

Him and my mother were quite young when they had me. He already had children though, who he sees. Just not me 🤷‍♀️ Honestly I honestly believe my mother made it difficult but he should have tried harder. He’s also gone on to marry and has children not much younger than me tbh. He’s still with the same woman. He cheated on my mum
and they split.

Every time I’ve tried to talk my mum about it she shuts me down so I’ve learnt not to talk about it. My grandpa used to talk about him when I asked but my grandpa died this year 😭

To the outside world it looks like I don’t care about not having a dad but inside it breaks me. He sees his other kids and seems like a good dad to his slightly younger children (yes I nosed on fb, silly me). Why not me?! Why wasn’t I worthy enough?

I have dc and see the bond they have with their dad - my partner and it makes me emotional I’ve never experienced that. I’ve always had a difficult relationship with my mother, are personalities crash. She’s been outgoing, sociable, loud and outspoken whereas I’m more of an introvert. Even though she doesn’t talk about him much she says I remind her of him.

He also has grandchildren . But why wasn’t I worth it?

My partner doesn’t really know his dad either but it really hasn’t bothered him. He’s closer to his Kim and has memory of seeing his dad a few times in childhood. He keeps telling me to forget him but not as easy as that.

I’m not sure I want a relationship with him but I want answers! Something my mum never give me!

I did message bio dad a few years ago but he said that his daughter was doing her GCSE’s at the time and didn’t want to disrupt her by telling her about me - so clearly I’m a secret! This was several years ago now too. So he clearly doesn’t give a shite!

Advice? Anyone else been through this? How do I get over the feeling of not being good enough! Out of the 7 kids he’s had - I’m the only one he’s never seen.

I’ve even driven past him a few times I’m sure!

Sorry this is a bit long!

Sorry to hear that OP. It’s not personal, he doesn’t even bloody know you. He’s clearly just a twat.

I have two friends whose dads abandoned them for new families at 16 and 18. Happy to play with their new kids but not interested in them. They are beyond shit.

My step DC have an equally useless mother and haven’t seen her in a year.

Some parents are just utter thundercunts. I don’t think there’s any explaining it.

I think I’d have some counselling if I were you.

You need to start believing that his actions were absolutely nothing to do with you. You were a baby. You’ve had your own children now and you know that there is nothing your children could do that would make you abandon them. There was nothing that you did, or didn’t do that caused this.

This is all on him. His weakness of character, his spinelessness, his inability to be a decent dad unless his wife is there, making it easy for him. And that’s why he’s played dad to his other children; because his wife has made sure of it. If he’d split with her, you’d have half siblings in the same position as you. The reason you’re a secret is because he knows he’s going to have his children question his choices. He isn’t ashamed of you, he’s ashamed of himself and doesn’t want anyone judging him or thinking less of him.

Some people are shit. I know it doesn’t make it easier but it really is as simple as that.

I'm really sorry to read this and really do feel for you.

But you have to remember its not personal, it cant be as he doesnt even know you!! it is in no way related to your worth.

I think perhaps you're right, you just feel you need answers as to 'why'. But unfpprtunately I don't think you're going to get them.

I know someone whose father was married to his mother and was there for all his and his sister's childhood, they had a great relationship....and then he recently found out his father had 7 othe children (all with the same woman he'd been having a long term affair with) but because he'd never left his wife, he was an awful father to them, never really seeing them that much, missing special occasions, keeping them as his 'secret'. Those children had so many unresolved issues of 'why were we less important then the other family'...and tbh thats the bit I hate him for most, not just the cheating on his wife, but the long term effect that will have on those, now adults, that their father picked his other family over them. But the thing is, it wasn't anything to do with them or them not being good enough...it was completely his own sense of shame in his actions of having a long term affair. And they became collateral damage because he was too weak to take responsibility for his own actions and step up and be a good father to them.

My point is, you'll probably never know what the internal thoughts and motivations behind your father's actions are. I would imagine maybe a similar sens of shame in how he treated your mother/ not wanting to think about that part of his life, and a fear that somehow getting close with you might disrupt his new little life he's formed for himself?

Whatever it is though, it' no excuse, he's being a massive and coward and you deserve better. But, it's nothing to do with you and whether or not you're good enough. it's all about him and his bad character

My dad committed suicide when I was a child. I have always had the feeling I was abandoned and not good enough to stay alive for. DH is a brilliant dad so now I just concentrate on that. If my kids can have a wonderful upbringing then that sort of makes up for the fact that I didn't!

Counselling helps. Talk about things out loud to someone you trust. Basically talk, talk and more talk. Don't bottle things up. The more you explore your feelings the easier they are to deal with.

I also think you should consider talking to a professional.

Your bio Dad's decision to not be in touch with you is nothing to do with you and everything to do with him.

It probably simply came down to the fact that he can bother to be a parent to DC when it's 'easy' but with any kind of barrier he's too lazy, selfish, self-absorbed or whatever.

It has absolutely nothing to do with you, your worth or anything similar. I understand why you might feel that way but that's the little girl inside you talking.

As an adult you need to tell her that it isn't true (for one thing, he doesn't know you so couldn't possibly have made a decision that you were unworthy!).

You need to stop blaming your mother for his actions and receive some therapy to learn how to get over the abandonment issues. Ots not your fault. Its not your mom's fault. It is his fault and only his fault

It really hurts. I'm 34 and lived in the same town that I was born in. Same name, family live in the same addresses. My father could have found me if he had wanted to.

Instead he went off and played happy families with 2 other women and had multiple other children.

I'll never get over him rejecting me. Please speak to a therapist.

Thank you all 🌸 I understand the reasons why he’d be around for the children he has with his wife but there’s also 3 more more that he had before me whom he sees (or did when they were little ). In a twist of the story I actually
know 2 of them! They don’t see much of him now as adults but did when they were little. He hasn’t been the best dad to them either but they know which is more that can be said for me 😫

I think I’m just feeling rubbish about myself. I was very close to my grandpa who died suddenly this year! I feel like I have no one to look up to after ongoing issues with my mother!

@Leaannb I don’t blame her but I have been told she made it incredibly difficult for him (she even admitted it once and theres letters he written to her after he cheated about how sorry he was and he wanted her back and to see me) but he should have tried harder however hard she made it! I just don’t think they could put their issues with each other aside and get on for the sake of their child!