AIBU?

[bakereld]

AIBU?

Imagine this. You are a man, recently married to a new woman. Your 9 year old daughter from a previous marriage stays over at your house with the new wife at the weekend.

New wife has a drink problem. Constant arguing and shouting and screaming at the weekends.

New wife goes 'over board' with the drink one weekend, grabs the daughter and marches her outside and walks her to the wife's mums house around the corner. Whislt walking the 9 year old daughter is subject to a tirade of abuse about her mother (whore, slapper, disgusting) etc.

Dad doesn't do anything but follows the new wife, and his daughter.

New wife reaches her mum's house with man's daughter. Locks and traps daughter in a room so she can't get out. Later, proceeds to take her out, and goes to hit her over the head with a cast iron casserole dish. Dad stops new wife just in time.

Daughter runs out the house, onto a main Street, crying, shouting for help. Almost runs into a car. Uncle manages to find daughter and rescue her.

Life then goes on, dad continues to stay married to the new wife for numerous years. Daughter is made to continue staying at the weekends and witnessing more shouting and screaming and toxic atmosphere.

AIBU, to think that if you were the dad, you would be filing for divorce from the new wife as soon as she went to hit your daughter over the head with a fucking casserole dish?

Is it abuse that the daughter was subject to this for years? For any doubt, I am the daughter in this story. Grown up now, but realising I have a lot of unresolved trauma and just looking for 'reassurance' that this isn't normal behaviour from the dad.

No. Your dad is a whimp and didn’t protect you at all as a small child.

I how you are no contact.

That's horrific, was your mum on the scene? Did she try to stop access, it sounds like a very unsafe environment for you

You were abused and your Dad allowed it to happen. Sorry this happened to you, my step-dad was violent towards me too and my Mum allowed that. A parent’s job is to protect their child, your Dad failed to do that.

Thanks for the quick replies.

Unfortunately my mum doesn't know half of it, especially not the situation which was mentioned in my post.

As a child my dad told me not to tell my mum what had happened at the weekends as mum wouldn't be happy and would stop me seeing him. Looking back now I realise he was guilt tripping and manipulating me.

I'm working up the confidence to go no contact with him, with the support my my mum once I talk to her about everything I went through. I know it will break her heart once I tell her, but it feels too much to keep bottled up to myself.

Thanks again.

Where was your mum in all this?
Your dad was appalling?
Do you see your dad and or stepmom now?

Go no contact. He’s a bastard.

Mine is similar to you, Dad put new wife before his children and we were subjected to all kinds of abuse for years until she ran off with another man. Dad was just a weak man who knew about the abuse and I know this now but not doesn't make it any easier.

No. I’m so sorry this happened to you.
My daughter and 2 sons were in a similar situation with her dad and step mother. I stopped access when I found out, but my daughter is now in psychotherapy as she took the brunt of it.
He should’ve protected you.
Definitely go to therapy, again I’m so sorry this happened x

Ahhh OP, how horrid for you. What a weak man your dad is.

I'm sure it will break your mums heart knowing what you went through, but as a mum, I 100% would want to know and I would want you to share the burden of holding this information inside of you for all these years.

There will be lots of tears, but you need to do this.

Good luck OP

Did new wife also abuse your dad? Or just you? I can’t work out if he was complicit in the abuse of you, or if he was also a victim.

@bakereld

Thanks for the quick replies.

Unfortunately my mum doesn't know half of it, especially not the situation which was mentioned in my post.

As a child my dad told me not to tell my mum what had happened at the weekends as mum wouldn't be happy and would stop me seeing him. Looking back now I realise he was guilt tripping and manipulating me.

I'm working up the confidence to go no contact with him, with the support my my mum once I talk to her about everything I went through. I know it will break her heart once I tell her, but it feels too much to keep bottled up to myself.

Thanks again.

Oh you poor thing, what an awful thing for your dad to do on top of allowing his wife to behave that way around you and treat you how she did but to guilt you in to not being able to go to your mother as well is just awful

I'd love to hear the perspectives of the people who have voted that you are being unreasonable.

I can't get my head round the fact that 4% have voted YABU! Your father should have protected you and also left his criminally abusive wife.

@PlanDeRaccordement

Did new wife also abuse your dad? Or just you? I can’t work out if he was complicit in the abuse of you, or if he was also a victim.

Thanks Plan, I think this question is what I struggled with as a child and teen. I felt sorry and worried for my dad as in my eyes he was a victim aswell in my eyes, and I didn't want to get him 'in trouble'.

But as an adult I see the situation much more clearly now. I think he was much more an enabler of abuse rather than victim.

Step mum was a very wealthy woman, who owned large properties and a hotel. I honestly think (know) the reason he didn't divorce sooner was because he was enjoying living the luxurious lifestyle she brought. For context, he also financially ruined my mum, and left a trail of financial destruction there due to his workshy tendancies and taste for finer things with someone else money, which is a whole other thread.

@bakereld
Oh, yes he does sound complicit and so that is worse than him being a victim too because he’s literally abandoned you when you needed him most. You are more than justified to go no contact with him. I did vote YANBU because either way it’s a hard thing that you carry with you for life.

I had similar struggle as my mother was very abusive. I struggled with the same feelings of why didn’t my dad protect me. But as an adult and looking back, I can remember numerous incidents like my mother beating my dad bloody on the stairs with a wooden spoon and the time she also hit him with her car backing out the garage when she was in a rage. Anyway, in my case, my dad was also a victim but it’s true we can only see which it was as adults looking back.

Wishing you peace and healing.