To expect him to help more with our baby?

[Exhausted2021]

So i had a baby at the start of March. I found out my boyfriend was cheating on me two days before giving birth. He moved back to his hometown over 200 miles away. He was furloughed so would come back and forth to see baby.

He’s gone back to work now and we seem to of settled into a every three weeks he comes to see baby. I’m so exhausted our son still doesn’t sleep. I’m literally on my knees. I don’t have any other help. I know he’s really busy with work so I said after you have finished the busy period I’m going to need more help. To which he replied I will be getting the same help I’ve been getting.

As much as he is pretending he’s doing what he can he really isn’t. As long as he gets pictures sent to him. How do I realistically cope with this? I already co sleep, i have the huckleberry app. I’m really trying.

Is he paying child matience? He sounds useless.

Unfortunately you can't make him a better dad. Are you planning on going back to work? I think sadly paid child care is your only option.

I’m already back to work. He was supposed to move here but I suspect he’s using Covid as an excuse. It’s so weird to me because he acts like he’s heartbroken not seeing his son. I even mentioned us moving to his hometown. He shut that down.

I’m working 40 hour weeks, my work wouldn’t let me go part time so I know that’s adding to the exhaustion.

He is paying maintenance and pays it on time so that’s one thing I suppose

You can’t make him a better dad.

Make sure that he’s paying the child maintenance that he should be- even if furlough still being paid.

And then use that to pay for a babysitter so you can rest.

Then work out childcare for when you go back to work

Stop sending him pictures for a start. He wants to see his child, he can come and fucking see his child!

But other than that, unfortunately you can't do anything to make him step up. Make sure you are claiming the right amount of maintenance though.

And request flexible working from your employer. They don't have to grant it but they do have to take the request seriously.

I suppose stupidly I wanted a nice family even if we weren’t together. But by being so lenient I’ve just had to piss taken out of me.

I have already requested it from my workplace unfortunately.

You called him your boyfriend in your first post, do you still consider him to be that or is he an ex boyfriend. He sounds like an ex to me.

I am glad to hear he pays maintenance, that is something. Stop sending him photos and formalise his visitation. I suspect when he visits he uses your place and it is “family time”? I would review this, he should look after his son by himself on his contact time and you have some time to yourself.

Sorry he’s an ex. I just meant at the time he was my boyfriend. I just feel like he’s back me into a corner. He does take the baby to his hometown and he’s taken him for a few days here and there. It’s not something I wanted but at the same time we can’t spend time together so him staying at my place is out.

So it’s either my baby is taken for a few days at a time or I get very little help every month

He's your ex?
He sounds useless so lower your expectations

You need to accept that life has dealt you a bad hand and that even though you never wanted it you are a single parent.

You need to alter your mindset to accept that you are going to have to do absolutely everything.

And if he does anything then it’s a bonus but you should never plan on relying on him.

Also maybe gingerbread or similar could put you in contact with other single parents so you don’t feel alone.

And ask your friends - any decent friend would happily take the baby for a walk for a couple of hours at a weekend so that you can sleep

You need to accept that life has dealt you a bad hand and that even though you never wanted it you are a single parent.

This, I'm afraid.

Agree with a PP - if he's paying and you're working full time, is there anyway to pay for some additional help? Where is baby while you're working? If he's at nursery, perhaps speak to nursery staff as often they'll agree to do out of hours babysitting. Someone to come on a Saturday morning early so you can get a few hours extra sleep for example, could make a huge difference.

Obviously, him taking the baby is hard for you when he does for a few days, but try to see those days as an opportunity to catch up on sleep an remember who YOU are. So see a friend or do something alongside getting a good night's sleep.

I'm sorry it's so hard. Single parenting is!

M

Sorry - random M. I wrote another sentence and the deleted most of it! haha.