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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dogs ashes

14 replies

fairynick · 14/12/2020 00:23

DM has moved the box with our family dogs ashes from on the windowsill above where her bed was in the kitchen to on a shelf in the living room behind a photo frame of another family member.
It’s made me feel really upset and almost feels disrespectful to our lovely dog.
I understand not wanting her on full display, eg on the fireplace with a big shrine, but behind something else makes it feel like she’s being hidden.
AIBU and is this completely normal and fine? Please go easy, it’s not been a year since we lost her and I’m definitely still grieving.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 14/12/2020 00:27

is this completely normal and fine?

I'm not really sure that that means?

Normal doesn't really come into it and it's obviously fine for your mum.

More importantly, have you spoken to her about how it makes you feel? Chances are, she just moved them for practical reasons but if you tell her you're upset, she might simply move them back.

MidnightHangingTree · 14/12/2020 00:28

Maybe somebody said something? I had my pony's ashes on the sideboard in our dining room but a couple of people seemed to find that a bit weird... it is a big box tbf!! I've now got it on a chest of drawers in our bedroom. I would try not to take it too personally.

I'm sorry for your loss

Original poster

fairynick · 14/12/2020 00:30

Sorry it wasn’t written too well was it. Most of the time when I’ve seen pets ashes in another persons home, they’ve been sort of on display with a photo or candle next to them. I just meant is it normal to sort of have them hidden? I did mention it to DM and she seemed adamant on keeping her there so I didn’t push it, but it’s given me a really niggly uneasy feeling.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 14/12/2020 00:32

Normal doesn't come into it because a lot of people don't think it's normal to have pet's or even human's ashes on display.

So forget normal.

I guess if your DM is adamant then it's her house so what can you do?

Perhaps ask her if you can have them in your bedroom?

Smallsteps88 · 14/12/2020 00:34

Maybe it’s still hurting too much for her to see them all the time. My cats ashes are behind a photo frame for this reason. And he died 8 years ago.

Original poster

fairynick · 14/12/2020 00:35

@WorraLiberty I’m really lucky to have never had to deal with ashes before. Only family I’ve lost have been grandparents who were buried.
If people don’t like ashes out on display is it quite a standard thing when ashes are kept at home to be kept, for example, in a cupboard or wardrobe?
I think I might be feeling sensitive about it from the grief.
There’s actually so little on google about this.

OP posts:

Original poster

fairynick · 14/12/2020 00:36

@Smallsteps88 that’s true, especially at first I found it hard to see her ashes and maybe my DM feels the same. Also she’s just redone the kitchen so maybe doesn’t like the way it looks etc which is fair enough.

OP posts:

SheldonesqueIsUnwell · 14/12/2020 00:37

Ask your mum if you can move the photo for that of your dog and move the other photo elsewhere.

It may be that your mum is not comfortable to have the ashes on display.

And tell her how it makes you feel. She may understand.

We all deal with things differently.

I’m sorry about your dog. It hurts. I know.

WorraLiberty · 14/12/2020 00:38

fairynick honestly, I don't think there is a standard or normal thing to do here. Death and grief is a very personal thing, therefore it'll be different for everyone. It's obviously different for you and your DM right now.

If she's adamant she wants them moved, then perhaps you could offer to have them in your room?

PigletJohn · 14/12/2020 01:12

When I had some ashes, I buried them under a favourite bush in the garden. You can get a bio-degradable box or urn, or scatter them. My view is that you will not want to keep ashes forever.

NiceandCalm · 14/12/2020 01:23

If she's hidden them then surely she wont object to you having them in your room? Or maybe suggest they sit in their current place behind a picture of your dog? Talk to her! It's totally normal to find comfort in reminders of our loved ones and everyone is different. Sorry for your loss. x

glasgow357 · 14/12/2020 01:31

One third of my grandad is in a sandwich bag in my mums wardrobe. Different people do different things.

ToniTheDonkey · 14/12/2020 01:49

I have the ashes of both of my rabbits in my wardrobe. One died 14 years ago and the other 17 years ago.

ZaraCarmichaelshighheels · 14/12/2020 02:04

Could you get some of the ashes and get them made into a glass pendant or another piece of jewellery for you? That way you could have your dog close to you and remember them just for yourself, it could bring you some comfort? There are lots of companies online who do this, that way it doesn’t matter so much if the remaining ashes are hidden, you have your dogs ashes close to you in some form. I’m so sorry about your dog, it’s incredibly painful

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