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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset about ex DP?

17 replies

Hermioneshorsie · 13/12/2020 23:24

When I was 16 I had my first boyfriend who I lost my virginity to that was 23. We were together 4 years. The relationship was physically and emotionally abusive, although I’ve battled with it and only recently realised I was a victim (I am now 26). I realise a lot of my flaws and struggles are still related to the pain of the relationship. My therapist said he is a narcissist. I bought that book Power: Surviving and Thriving which feels very personal and like my story...

Anyway, I follow someone on Facebook who knew ex DP (let’s say he’s James). I replied to a story of this guy’s and he messaged back saying “guess who James is dating now” and I had had a drink or two, so when he responded that it was his relative I replied “be careful, he is very abusive” I also said how he hit me. No one knew and people still think I was “crazy” and a “psycho” and made James’ life hell.

I then realised who the relative was. This woman (his age) who was often at events I went to when I was with him. She seems nice but we have nothing in common so were never friends, let’s call her Amy. This guy responded “Amy is strong, she wouldn’t let him treat her like that” “maybe Amy is what he needs” “she would never let a man do anything like that, she is strong and puts people in their place”.

It makes me feel shit. I, for the first time, told the truth of my pain and hurt. I still have a scar from a night he threw me against a brick wall when I was 18. I still carry the pain. Yet I’ve been made to feel weak?

I don’t know what I’m asking for here but what does this say about me? Do you have any advice?

I’m now engaged with a house and dogs and doing well for myself.

OP posts:
WishingHopingThinkingPraying · 13/12/2020 23:27

Great, so now some other fucker is abusing you too.

It's not your fault what your ex did. And it's not your fault that James is also an utter prick. Don't let men like this make you feel anything less than you are. They are the shits. You are not weak for being victim of two shit guys.

SummerWhisper · 13/12/2020 23:29

It says nothing about you, as you are doing well for yourself and have found a good person to be with. Unfriend the dickhead who a) intimated that you are weak vs Amy's strength and b) is completely ignoring your reality. Both the FB friend and the ex of yours are vile. It will hurt for a little bit, but please realise that you were only trying to help and this guy is a prick. Cuddle your dogs and partner and be thankful you are free Flowers

80sColourfulChristmas · 13/12/2020 23:33

Please tell me you responded with "I beg your pardon? So I just 'let' him treat me like that did I? I'm 'weak' for being a targeted victim of domestic abuse? How very dare you????"

BlueThistles · 13/12/2020 23:33

what a Prick .. block him OP 🌺

Jenifirtree · 13/12/2020 23:35

Block him

Commonwasher · 14/12/2020 00:10

It’s nothing to with strength or weakness.

You are bound to feel insecure about him. Acknowledge it but don’t dwell on it, block all social media contact with him and his cronies then get on with your (very nice) life free of his influence.

HirplesWithHaggis · 14/12/2020 00:13

Sometimes abusers target "strong women" because of the satisfaction when they "put them in their place".

whistlesandbells · 14/12/2020 00:15

I am strong and I was abused. It happens to all kinds of people.

VimFuego101 · 14/12/2020 00:23

You are strong. You recognise the relationship was abusive, are no longer with him, and were able to speak about it to try to warn someone else. That's strength in my book.

Original poster
Hermioneshorsie · 14/12/2020 09:30

@VimFuego101

You are strong. You recognise the relationship was abusive, are no longer with him, and were able to speak about it to try to warn someone else. That's strength in my book.
thank you so much
OP posts:
Woohoowoowoo · 14/12/2020 09:36

I don't think the person made the comment about you.

Sometimes when people find out about abuse, they don't want to accept it, recognise it happened or have to face up to the fact that they are associated with someone who does that kind of thing. So they say things like 'oh that would never happen' etc.

To me, it speaks volumes that a 23 YO thought it was acceptable to be having sex with a 16 YO Angry

Simplyunacceptable · 14/12/2020 09:36

Incredibly strong and capable women fall victim to abusers. It does not mean you are weak and feeble by any means, it’s just no reflection on you as a person at all. Abusers are often manipulative, narcissistic and experts in coercive behaviour. You were also extremely young and no doubt naive (as we all are in our teens!).

Ignore this idiot, do not let him set you back. You are strong.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 14/12/2020 09:40

I was told something very similar about a bf I had when I was about 17. I tried to explain my experience to the DB of his new GF and he laughed at me, said his DSis was a much stronger woman than I was!

I felt like shit for months. Sadly his DSis faired no better than I did with the exbf... I always hoped her DB was more supportive for her than he was with me!

It rally sin't you, OP. It really is all on him! You don't have to live with whatever it is in his head that is broken... a small consolation!

BrumBoo · 14/12/2020 09:40

My father is an abusive man. Has serious issues with women. His MO is absolutely strong women he can break. The stronger (and more 'proud') the woman is, the harder it is to prove to the world that you were being abused. Oh no, not Amy - she's such a loudmouth, tough woman I bet she was winding him up more! She's not some wallflower, she's a drama queen. Amy is sure what he needs, but Amy doesn't need him. No woman does.

That isn't to say men don't target the quiet, shy girls either. Or that they don't get believed. Abusers usually have a 'type' though.

SenorFrog · 14/12/2020 12:50

Many people just don't get it, they think only weak women are abused, that is so far from the truth it is ridiculous. Victim blaming at its finest. No one deserves abuse, weak, strong or anywhere in between, which is where most of us are.

My favourite is "I'd leave if dp ever did that to me" like all of a sudden one day, a previously lovely man who boosted your self confidence suddenly turns, not like they've taken months to chip away and then afterwards apologise and treat you like a queen... until the next time, on and on until you're just so confused, you just don't know how you got there, that was my experience.

The problem with people like your friend is it makes you almost wish abuse on another woman so you feel less shit about yourself, then you catch yourself and feel even shutter for having those thoughts. Don't feel sick about yourself, none of what your ex did was your fault and you're out of it now. I'm 22 years out of my abusive relationship, I couldn't be happier but I live with the memories.

picklemewalnuts · 14/12/2020 12:59

"Amy is not a 16yr old being knocked about by a man 8 years older. Does she want to date someone who'd do that to a child?"

Mochudubh · 14/12/2020 18:11

You aren't weak, you were young and being abused by an older man.

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