Being concerned about DN and his health

[lastonedancing33]

I am prepared to be told that this is none of my business and that IABU but I am coNcerned and I don't know what else to do. I don't have any children of my own so I know I may be wrong. My DN is 3.5 and ever since he's come off breast milk, he hasn't eaten a single solid food apart from weetabix, chocolate biscuits, crisps and bananas. SIL will not give him anything else, she refuses to cook or even buy him ready meals or chicken nuggets or anything else that is solid. He's never had potatoes, rice, vegetables or anything like that. Not even pasta. I am obviously concerned about his well-being and if he's getting the nutrition he needs as he doesn't have any supplements or vitamins either but every time I mention it, she says 'he won't eat it so there's no point' and changes the subject. He now got to the stage where he just won't accept any new foods and now that he started at nursery, they noticed it and referred DN and SIL to a specialist or nutritionist which she refuses to go to. She says that he's just not ready for any other foods yet and they don't need help. She sends him to his dad's every weekend where they smoke inside the flat and they sit him in front of the TV for the whole weekend. He always comes back stinking of cigarettes when we pick him up. Again, she says that he needs to see his dad and she won't get in between them and their relationship. I feel really sad and feel that it's unfair on my nephew but what do I know.

This is your nephew?

Is the mother your husband's sister or your sister?

TBH I'd report them to social services. It's tantamount to child abuse- not feeding him properly and also subjecting him to passive smoking.

It sounds as if his mother has mental health issues and doesn't want to accept help re. his diet- she's in denial.

. He always comes back stinking of cigarettes when we pick him up.

why are you picking him up? Does he spend time with you?

I don't understand the family set up.

It’s hard to accept help. People often end up burying their head in the sand at first.

Hopefully being at nursery will help expose him to new foods and experiences which may help him.

To be fair as the mother of a child with very restricted eating in my experience a dietican wouldn’t achieve much anyway - you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink!

Do you know how many years parents of children with SEN or MH needs were waiting for diagnosis or support after diagnosis before Covid??? It was a 2-3 year minimum wait 5 years ago.

Secondhand smoke is not child abuse.

@Ericaequites

Secondhand smoke is not child abuse.

No but that, combined with inadequate nutrition does seem rather neglectful.

@ViciousJackdaw...No it doesn't. The lack of nutrition by itself is neglectful. The kid visiting his dad has nothing to do with it

It is really hard sometimes getting people to understand I think sometimes it is just easier for them to bury their head in the sand. She probably knows there is a issue but is scared to face it. I have a friend who practices relaxed parenting and the children make their own decisions she also does everything for them and she showers them with love and affection - anything they want she does. She told school in September that her 10 yr old should not be forced to do anything he doesn't want to do. He was on his 5th school and because school told him off she has now pulled him out. It would be interesting to know whether there was an eating issue first or her lax attitude in helping him make sensible eating choice is what is stopping her dealing with it now . Like your nephew we don't know whether her kids are the way they are because she let's them do anything they want and keeps them close to her at all times or the reason she chose to parent like this is because there are underlying issues like ADHD or autism and it is easier to give in. All you can do is be there for her. I got very involved in my friends life and we have fallen out. I can't have her son in my house or garden anymore because he doesn't have any respect and he has broken so many of my kids toys and my hubby's mobile phone!!

Second hand smoke is pretty neglectful imo. I don’t really see how it can be justified.

Does your DN eat anything at Nursery OP?

I am not sure if she is not giving him other food because she has tried and he refuses it and it's a massive waste, in which case you are being unreasonable, or if he has never been exposed to foods and she isn't trying and this has given him issues with food. It does seem odd that she is refusing to meet a dietician but if its behavioural rather than because she hasn't exposed him to different foods or doesn't understand a balanced diet etc then it probably wouldn't help anyway

Second hand smoke is regarded as abuse by medics- see this report from the US.

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4369587/#:~:text=While%20several%20states%20have%20banned,as%20inside%20cars%20and%20homes.

It has been banned in the UK- smoking in cars carrying children- for a few years now.

Given it is banned in pubs, restaurants, and all other public places because of the harm it does, any parent who subjects their child to it is being neglectful even if YET the law doesn't say that.

It sounds as if she has perhaps tried him with other foods but he has refused and so she has stopped trying to make her life 'easy'. But it's hard to know how he is still thriving if all he has is (basically) cereal and bananas. Does he have milk to drink?

Obviously the longer a child does not try new foods, the harder it becomes for them to accept them. The way dieticians suggest is that a refused food should be presented up to 20 times, in small amounts, with no fuss made if it's refused, but to persevere AND for the parents to set an example eating the same food at the same time.

Smoking around children inside the house is detrimental to their health, but not abusive. What does he eat at his dads - that diet is definitely not nutritious enough for a 3.5 year old.

I remember a little boy who went to nursery with my ds who was just like this........we were in a nurture group together for kids who weren't meeting their milestones (( my ds is disabled ))

In his case he'd only eat jars of baby food, yogurt, etc.......well so his mum claimed. Because nursery staff got him onto normal solids.

Problem was he'd go home in the holidays and come back to nursery and they'd be back to square one. His mum preferred food she could feed him because it was easier for her and easier to clean up. Never mind the fact she had a 3 year old who couldn't feed himself.

It sounds like she is scared he might choke .. she will need to be careful if she doesn't go to appointments and referrals they will call ss!

@huuuuunnnndderrricks

It sounds like she is scared he might choke .. she will need to be careful if she doesn't go to appointments and referrals they will call ss!

I doubt it, if she gives him crisps and biscuits.

Maybe .. I was just trying to look on the bright side .. I think it's wrong too but there must be some sort of issue for her to ignore all advice .