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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to go on a large family holiday?

20 replies

Summerholidayblues · 12/12/2020 22:58

Every year my DH’s extended family (parents, siblings, partners and children) want to go away together for a week abroad.
I really like DH’s family and generally really enjoy spending time with them. I’ve missed doing that this year. But I just don’t enjoy large family holidays much - I don’t find them relaxing and begrudge spending a lot on them and using a whole week’s leave on them. I would be happy with a long weekend somewhere but just feel fed up that this is the expectation every summer.

My DH sometimes tells me that I’m antisocial and ‘not a family person’ for thinking this way. This upsets me as I really like seeing them - I just feel a bit claustrophobic and not relaxed on these trips and when we’re all in the same building for a whole week. Is this unusual? I want to say something but feel I’ll be judged for doing so.

OP posts:

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 12/12/2020 23:02

Could you go for a couple of days at the beginning/end of the week, leave DH to it an go on somewhere else for a few days on your own?
It's not antisocial - just different ways of being, why should you endure it if it's not something you enjoy?

DesdemonaDryEyes · 12/12/2020 23:03

And you are worrying about this now because?

newbieirish · 12/12/2020 23:05

you are not being unreasonable however could come to some compromise , can you not go on holiday for maybe 4 days instead of a full week?

you don't really have to be with the family all the time either, why don't you plan activities for yourself and DH etc to do some days without them, then you can go back and meet them for dinner etc..

Plenty of families go on holiday together but dont live in eachothers pockets, split up for the day and meet for drinks/dinner later, have some days together, and some not etc.

IdblowJonSnow · 12/12/2020 23:05

Yanbu. A weekend is a good compromise. Or agree to go every third summer?
Not everyone enjoys large group things for days on end, family or not. Your DH is unfair to say that.

Weenurse · 12/12/2020 23:06

This would me torture for me.
I suggest meeting up for a few days at the end of their holiday and then and doing your own thing,

DSV20 · 12/12/2020 23:06

YANBU.
Can you maybe go for only part of the holiday?
We went once with DH's family for ten days and both agreed we would never do this again- nothing against his family we just like having our own time when being on holiday.
Now we go for the last part of the holiday and have the same return flights as the family

Lindy2 · 12/12/2020 23:07

Big group holidays are my idea of hell. In my experience you never end up doing quite what you actually want to and spend a lot of time just sitting around waiting for other people to get ready to do something.

It's definitely not my idea of fun but then I'm quite happily antisocial.

billy1966 · 12/12/2020 23:34

I really like my husband's family but wouldn't have any interest in this.

Your husband telling you that you are not family oriented would piss me off big time.
The cheek of him.

Tell him head off with them and do something nice yourself.

You are perfectly entitled NOT to want to go on holiday with them.

2pinkginsplease · 12/12/2020 23:37

YANBU, I feel our holidays are a time for relaxing and doing as we please and a huge family holiday doesn’t sound like either, it sounds like hassle and doing things to please others. I would never go on a huge family holiday. I may compromise on a weekend away but it would have to be for a special occasion.

pallisers · 12/12/2020 23:37

I'm very social, very family-oriented and love my dh's family very much and I would hate this.

A weekend once a year might be nice - but a full week? no way.

Osirus · 12/12/2020 23:54

We used to have this. Luckily my DH felt the same way as me and we eventually managed to get them to agree to just a weekend now. Thankfully didn’t have to go at all this year.

VimFuego101 · 13/12/2020 00:13

YANBU. If I had to do this I'd need another holiday on my own afterwards to recover.

Cherrysoup · 13/12/2020 00:17

I wouldn’t do it if it were my only holiday. Your dh is unreasonable to expect you to go on holiday with them every time and not have a holiday for just you him and your dc.

shehadsomuchpotential · 13/12/2020 00:23

One of the main reasons i got divorced. The fact my husband didnt want to holiday with our family unit felt like rejection and we missed out on time to de stress and reconnect in a way that proved damaging for us. It was very political to say no. And i loved them. It was also always to the same place and i wanted to see the world. I pushed hard for compromise but the pressure of the parents and SIL was too much. He still goes every year now.

victoriaspongecake · 13/12/2020 00:37

Just say no thanks.
I can’t understand people who agree to doing something they know they aren’t going to enjoy then moaning about it.

MargeWhereDidMyFingersLand · 13/12/2020 04:58

YANBU, your DH needs to try and remember that while he grew up with them, and has that familiarity/is more relaxed about stuff, you didn't. Being married to him doesn't make them entitled to weeks of your life as they choose.

What would have happened if your side did the same thing, stump up for two mass holidays a year? Alternate? Never have a holiday just you?

He doesn't seem very "family orientated" if he doesn't want to spend any holidays alone with his immediate family unit.

phoenixrosehere · 13/12/2020 06:07

YANBU.

We do one big one with his side and do a smaller one with us and our boys. We prefer cities with links to other places while the extended family holidays are beaches which I detest and find boring. I hate extremely warm weather and spending everyday in direct sun for hours makes me feel ill. I spend most of the mornings and evenings out with our youngest seeing the sights while spending the afternoons in the ac so I don’t end up fainting. Everyone definitely does their own thing for most of the day and we meet up for dinner. I remind myself it’s only once a year, I’m going to a place I’ve never been to, I get on with my in-laws for the most part and get to take lots of pictures.

user1471538283 · 13/12/2020 09:37

Years ago we went away with a large group. It was my friend's idea but what really happened was that she just expected us to be around when she wanted and not when she didn't want. She was constantly jealous. We went to an island with nothing to do and I felt worse than if it had just been the 2 of us. I also spent a fortune. I was so happy to get home and I never did it again.

TheVanguardSix · 13/12/2020 09:41

It's got 'nightmare' written all over it.
Thanks to covid, ours was cancelled last summer. It took a pandemic to get me what I really wanted/needed to avoid: a holiday abroad (in a really shitty accommodation) with DH's family who are mostly alcoholics. So... big, lovely swerve there! I'm dreading it being suggested again in the next couple of years.
Anyway, FWIW OP, I've got your back. Totally agree with your sentiments here.

nosswith · 13/12/2020 09:56

I agree if it's not for you, perhaps a weekend or none at all. I would not book or commit money to any holiday in 2021 at this stage in any case.

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