DP shouting makes me nervous

[MyCatsSaidNo]

I was raised in a very volatile household. Spilled drinks meant Roaring tellings off etc and from this I learnt a sigh could mean a whole night of complaining and insults and kick offs were about to happen.

Even into adult life, if a partner shouts or seems particularly moody, it puts me on edge and takes me right back to being a child nervous about doing anything wrong.

Relatively new DP can be shouty If something goes wrong for him, he’s not shouting at me but it still makes me nervous. I suppose unless you’ve been in my position it can be difficult to understand exactly how I feel, but I don’t know if I’m being silly or I should tell him how it’s making me feel. I feel nervous about upsetting him and making him feel he’s done something wrong when he Hasn’t.

I don't tolerate this at all from my DH because I had a similar upbringing. To be fair to him, he doesn't now shout (and I tell him off when he does). I'd tell him how you feel, OP. If he can't or won't change, he's not the guy for you.

Grown ups don’t shout to express emotions. They express them but they don’t take them out on other people.

Might need to be a bit more specific with an example. He doesn’t shout at me, rather out loud or at whatever object he’s holding it something’s gone wrong. For me in the past a scenario could have been:

Parent drops plate - parent gets frustrated and swears we plate - children then get repeatedly berated for pretty much any possible reason due to parents anger and frustration at plate

DP doesn’t shout at me. But it takes me to a place I expect to receive abuse

Yanbu op I know exactly how you feel as I've also been that child, my father was abuse to my mum and then to me as I got older. I then studiedly let ds dad get away with it, when he physically hurt me and didn't just shout anymore I left.

DP can get stressed with work and now he's wfh full time I hear the brunt of him getting wound up, I always confront him about this and tell him it's completely unacceptable. You need to let him know how it makes you feel and yanbu

Lots of shouting and swearing comes from my husband's workshop in our garage. I get worried if it all goes suddenly quiet.

Its completely understandable why shouting would make you feel nervous after your upbringing however i do think there are different types of shouting, my partner is a naturally very loud person even when he talks normally this has rubbed off on our kids who are also very loud (give me strength lol) because I had a good childhood it doesnt bother me when my partner shouts even when hes angry as I know hes not trying to scare me at all. Maybe try to have a chat with him and explain how it makes you feel as people carry lifelong scars from childhood and be might not understand x

I feel the same way and completely agree.

My DM was (is) very shouty and angry- it really sets me on edge and I hated it growing up. I vowed I’d never be a shouty Mum myself.

My DH doesn’t shout every day or anything - and not at me or DS - but he sometimes shouts out (too) loud and not in proportion as a response (eg a broken glass or dropped something heavy).

He tries not to do it and I’ve asked him not to, as I hate it and don’t want DS to grow up thinking it’s acceptable or normal. We’ll see how it pans out...

Please nobody ever tolerate being shouted at though. That’s abuse.

Been there OP (as a child) - if you feel his “frustration” is not directed at you then tell him how you feel. If he doesn’t “get it” or this is a pattern of behaviour that affects your mental health then get out now.

I think you should tell him how you feel. It's important for your relationship that you can be open about it.

Tell him how you feel and explain why, his response to this information and future action will tell you alot about him. I wouldn't tolerate someone making me feel uncomfortable in my home but your partner can't modify his behaviour unless you tell him.

My parents rarely shouted(at least not within ear shot of us) and never swore but my aunt did and it used to terrify me. You don't have to have those behaviours in your life, not everyone does it regularly. As far as I'm concerned the only good reason for shouting out is in suprise or pain, the only time I can remember shouting recently was when I dropped and smashed a plate and then stood on one of the shards barefoot.

You know that we generally seek out what we're used to in childhood? He's not shouting at you yet, but as your relationship progresses it is likely he will if shouting is his go to method for expressing anger.

I would get counselling, unpick your dreadful childhood and make sure you think about your future choices with eyes on your past.

Don't spend your adult life with shouting, bullying people.

I do understand and wasted a few years with someone who replicated my negative childhood experiences. I genuinely couldn't see it until I have therapy. The man I married is kind, respectful and lovely in every way. You deserve that too.

Is he aware of your childhood? Would you have to share this with him when you discuss it for the first time?

My partner makes quite a bit of noise. I don't respond well to it so I told him it's not him but it can make me jump. He now is more aware and I appreciate his effort which makes us feel good.

Do you have kids? If not do you want them with him? Speaking from experience but I don't think it's ok to subject children to having a parent who shouts at things.

Kids are really annoying so what happens when/if he starts shouting at them?