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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be unamused at relative's racist joke

19 replies

someoneelsenow · 22/10/2007 15:22

We went to a family party at the weekend, taking dds with us.
It was a lovely event - I hardly ever get to see cousins, uncles. aunts etc these days.
But one of the older relatives really hacked me off by telling me and eldest dd a racist joke..then wondering if I'd 'got it' when I didn't laugh.
Why do they think it's ok? (my dad is the same, except I tell him in advance I don't want to hear his 'jokes').
How would you have reacted? I didn't tell the 'joke' teller what I really thought, but I hope it was obvious from my reaction...although I did tell my dad afterwards, who'll undoubtedly report back.

OP posts:

RubyShivers · 22/10/2007 15:33

you say politely - i don't find that sort of thing funny and i would prefer it if you didn't make racist jokes

if you don't say anything directly, people can take your silence as tacit agreement with their views

nailpolish · 22/10/2007 15:36

i tutt and give a withering look

usually works and it makes me feel better too

Original poster

someoneelsenow · 22/10/2007 15:38

I didn't want to make a fuss because it was such a lovely event otherwise...but now I wish I'd said something directly but politely. The relative in question hasn't been very well, so I didn't want to be horrible to him...even if his behaviour was very ill-judged.

OP posts:

mosschops30 · 22/10/2007 15:45

sometimes its best just to ignore. Ihad something sent to me on facebook which i found particularly distasteful, I just delete it and feel sorry for the people who do laugh at it

sparkybabe · 22/10/2007 15:48

older people are sometimes like this - my mum (70's) is the most racist person I know, and my DH is half turkish! (so my kids are .. um.. not very english.) she doesn't think shes being personal at all. I tell her she's not being PC, which sparks off another row.... It's the way they were brought up, don't worry about it. They can't see they're being offensive, and we can't see why they can't see it.

amytheearwaxbanisher · 22/10/2007 16:06

i think somerime people of older generations arnt pc as it wasnt expected back then still no excuse though they should move with the times

HappyDaddy · 22/10/2007 16:11

Plenty of people from older generations are not tolerant of this crap, though. Older people just don't expect people to SAY that they find it offensive, they are often used to saying what the hell they like.

mosschops30 · 22/10/2007 16:14

agree about the older generation. My mother made a point of buying dd and ds a golly!! Which is fine but trying to tell her they are called 'golly's' and not 'gollywog' was hard work and she just tutts at me.

Similarly when she comes to visit me in Cardiff (hardly culturally diverse) she sighs loudly in the city centre before shouting 'dear god its like being in a foreign country coming here' need i say more

Easywriter · 22/10/2007 16:18

mosschops - your mother sounds amusing (though I realise it isn't supposed to be!)

Can I add my dad to the list of racists please? Paki, Chinky, you name it he says it. I've been trying to educate him for 20 years now! He can't/won't see it.

I despair of him.

oranges · 22/10/2007 16:27

It is a foreign country. It's Wales.

NotQuiteCockney · 22/10/2007 16:40

Hmm, I don't think saying 'that's not PC' is a good way to go about it, what with the term PC generally being used as a weapon to bash leftists.

I'd just say 'I find that offensive, please do not talk that way in front of me'.

(Recent struggle: having someone use the term 'half-caste' and 'quarter-caste' in front of me. To describe herself and her son. I was , but managed to say that those terms are v offensive where I come from ...)

kerala · 22/10/2007 16:40

Have similar issues with MIL and DH's grandfathers views. Too awful to repeat on here. Did find myself speaking up last weekend as couldnt bear it.

mosschops30 · 22/10/2007 16:41

lol oranges sadly thats not what she was aiming at

NotQuiteCockney · 22/10/2007 16:43

Oh, my favourite recent old people racist quote 'The bus was like the United Nations'. I nodded, said, 'oh, that sounds lovely'.

Intentional stupidity is a good defence ... or at least an amusing one.

minouminou · 22/10/2007 17:14

re the caste thing - a half-indian chum from new zealand often referred to himself as half-caste
i was always a bit taken aback, and after a few glasses of wine one night asked him if he knew it was a bit dodgy to use that term in the UK
he had no idea, but said he wondered why there was always a bit of a hiatus in conversations with people
it felt a bit odd to be telling someone that the term they use for themselves is not very PC, as he was fine with it, but when you consider that caste implies a value/class/status type distinction or judgement, i just couldn't not mention it
still wonder if i did the right thing though - but he was planning to settle in the UK, and didn't look half indian, so he could've said it to someone and really offended them
but with older people, some of them really do think that white is right, and that being british gives you an automatic superiority - they don't even question it

lucyellensmum · 22/10/2007 17:17

I think you did the right thing not saying anything, as you said you were at a "lovely event" and it would have been a shame to cause bad feeling.

I hate racism in any form and i am forthright about my views and will not tolerate it (my inlaws are very much like this, older generation, from south east london - actually i wonder if they modelled alf garnet on FIL ) I have explained that i do not like this sort of thing and don't wish to hear it. They respect that, mostly. I just go very quiet and change the subject if it ever comes up.

lucyellensmum · 22/10/2007 17:17

I think you did the right thing not saying anything, as you said you were at a "lovely event" and it would have been a shame to cause bad feeling.

NotQuiteCockney · 22/10/2007 17:25

The person who used the term 'half-caste' was from somewhere in the Indian Ocean, I think? But she sounds much much more British than I do, and I'm sure she's spent more time here, so I couldn't really say 'that's a dodgy phrase in this country' to her. But I did say it wasn't an ok expression in North America.

whiskeyandbeer · 22/10/2007 23:31

it depends on the joke , the person and the context.

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