Just about had enough of DH

[hadenoughbleurgh]

I don't know if it's me being over sensitive or him just being a dick basically.
Have DS1 and DS2 home, both in self isolation due to being exposed to Covid- no symptoms but we have been stuck in for the last week. DH works so I literally haven't been out in a week as there is no one else to have the kids. In the evenings I study, think post graduate professional exam. I have an exam on Monday which I have been studying for all week.
Things have been tough as I have been trying to home school, keep on top of the house/washing/cooking etc, keep the kids entertained and study as well.
A few things have pissed me off with DH over the last couple of days.
Example 1: I mentioned that I was thinking of popping out on Monday with my mum, as DH has a day off. It would be nice if he could watch the kids so I could go out and get the last of the Christmas bits and shopping in. He went funny, he clearly didn't want me to go, gave me a funny look before questioning exactly what I needed to get in. When I said as much he then got defensive and tried to say it was me being sensitive.
Today, I spoke to him on the phone whilst he was at work, said I was feeling really stressed about my exam and everything else. Fast forward he comes home, kids are washed, fed and house is clean and tidy. His dinner is in the oven (I'm not eating I just don't feel like it) and the first thing he said when he steps through the door is 'hi big tits.' Honestly, it just made me feel like absolute shit, I just wanted him to give me a hug, or make me a cup of tea or just say or do something kind. I just feel he has been showing such selfish behaviour the last few days- spending over £100 on himself this close to Christmas etc, I have honestly had enough. I'm trapped in this situation as I couldn't finish my professional course without him being here for the kids and I am 6 months away from being qualified after 6 years of study. Just feel so fed up, not sure if it's him or everything else. Sorry for the long rambling post.

In of itself the comment sounds like a small thing. DH and I say similar daft stuff to each other all the time, but as you've said, there's a time and a place and he got it wrong. If I was in your shoes I would feel the same way.

As it is it sounds to me like the straw that broke to camel's back. He seems quite complacent and has let you do all the work while he has it comfortable which is nice for him. Unfortunately I think once you've reached this stage unless he is willing to really put the work in to improve your relationship there is nothing really to work with.

As others have said, keep your head, power through the next 6 months focusing on your goal and really think about where you want your life to be 12 months from now and how you will achive that.

@hadenoughbleurgh

Yes I have just 6 months left- I finish the end of May 2021, when I finish I will have studied 7 years for this and I can't let it all go to waste now. Most people don't realise what he is like, they think he is charming and supportive. The truth is throughout these 7 years I have worked, cared for the kids, one with significant SEN and studied full time. Iv also taken care of the house, done all the cleaning, cooking etc. I don't even mind if I just feel appreciated, but I just felt so utterly awful when he said that to me. He isn't talking to me now, which is okay, I can take that. If he had of even said the remark to me whilst we were having a laugh, or in a different context it wouldn't have been so bad. It was just because it was the first thing he said to me when he knew I was so stressed and anxious. Thanks everyone for your comments.

Wouldn't be jealous of you by any chance?

So sabotaging your efforts?

Kindness is so important in a relationship, and he doesn’t seem to be being kind to you at all OP. He should be considering your needs ( like you consider his such as keeping his tea in the oven etc). Not sure I have a solution unless you really want to start thinking about separating, because it sounds like he doesn’t care about the impact his behaviour is having on you.

Get yourself ready to leave in six months. Do it on your terms, in your time, when it suits you. If by some miracle he’s a changed man by then, then you won’t need to.

OP you are welcome. For what it's worth, all of the posters on here are with you, and many of us are survivors of this shit or going through it ourselves. I'd like to think I can lean on these amazing people when i need to, so lean on us. X

@Aquamarine1029

I agree with *@Bronzino*. Grey rock him for the next six months and make a plan to get out of there.

This, so much

I work with domestic abuse victims and I was once supporting a person plan to leave an abusive relationship. She always struck me as so clever and once I got to know her better she told me she had been studying for a degree and was on track for a first but in her final year her abuser started making it impossible to study and she dropped out. I think abusers start to sweat when the end of the course is in sight as it will give you freedom. So definitely concentrate on passing and count the days, that qualification will give you so much more choices for you to be in control of your future for you and your kids. Whatever you decide.

Thank you so much everyone.
I'm feeling much better today, he has gone to work and it's just me and the children so I'm busy revising. I ended up having an IBS attack as I think it was just internalising the stress of the whole situation- not specifically what he said.
@MrsGrindah I think that's exactly it, I just wanted a bit of kindness.
@DrDavidBanner I think you've hit the nail on the head when you say it was the straw that broke the camels back- I just felt as if it summed up my whole situation. I feel like such an idiot for getting myself into this mess. But I have just 6 months and it's not bad all of the time either.

Thank you everyone.

Print out an academic year calendar i.pinimg.com/originals/53/b9/f4/53b9f4e33a32792a9b78a551ab17083f.png. Hide it in your knicker drawer with a bright red felt tip, and cross each day off as it happens.

It'll focus your mind on how little time you have left in this situation, and you'll see it steadily reducing until you get to the point where if you want to leave you can. You'll be qualified and not dependent on him if you don't want to be.

But please (academic here) don't throw away so many years of study. Whatever he does, grit your teeth and get through it. You deserve it.

Get a grip! You have an important exam coming up. Don't let your relationship derail it. Ignore, ignore, ignore. You can deal with issues later. Avoid dramas now.

What Bronzino said.

I think its better to just have the row then and there than live in this horrible festering resentment and ill will.
Express yourself to him... tell him how you really feel.
Christmas is hard and with everything going on its even harder. Tempers are frayed and everyone feels bitter and shir because they are suffering. And at a time when everyone is supposed to be joyful it just makes it all more tense.
I think you need to call him out and try and have an honest discussion.
I hate passive aggression... if my husband ever does it to me I call him out then and there... I say 'what is your problem, why are you being cold.. you need to tell me what you are feeling and why.. we are supposed to be a team.. do you honestly want to live being miserable? If you are unhappy you need to tell me why so we can work thru it'
Maybe you can have it all out and come to some kind of truce where you both start trying... not that this is your fault at all.. it does sound like he's being a selfish that here... but its possible he just doesn't get how you are feeling.. id give him the opportunity to understand and do better by actually telling him straight.

He's a right tosser, not supportive at all. You've got 6 months left. Get qualified, get a job and get rid.

So you've been stuck in for a week and need to give him reasons before he'll look after his own kids so you can leave the house?
Does he threaten to leave if you raise issues?
Sounds like he's got you over a barrel for the time being and he knows it.
Dont rise to it.
He's trying to sabotage you at the last hurdle.
Dont let him.

@hadenoughbleurgh
Your husband sounds controlling and insensitive.

Concentrate on your exam for Monday. You are on course for a good grade, you can do this and this time next year he will hopefully be just a bad memory.
Goodluck OP show him how strong you are.

The Big Tits comment: there are relationships and contexts where this sort of thing is fine. But you clearly are not ok with it and you don’t have to tolerate it.

What bothers me more is that you are doing everything and he clearly regard it as an imposition to have to look after his own children and you need more support.

I think the others are right: head down, get through it and eyes on the prize when you finish your exams. He doesn’t sound like a long term life partner.

Hi big tits!

If he said that to me I wouldn’t have even had to say a single word for him to know his crossed a line and I’m at my wits end, my face would have said it all!

How dare he speak to you like that!!