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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend ALWAYS moaning she has no money, but buying herself new stuff all the time!

26 replies

Namechangeforthis111 · 11/12/2020 13:40

I know IABU and it’s none of my business.

But, I’m getting annoyed with friend who is constantly going on about having no money, but then turns up with new (non essential) stuff she has bought herself..... coats, hat, scarf, bag, outfits, Botox etc etc.

Friend has husband who is a high earner, but she is not. They have had a lot of work that needed doing on their house over the past year, which has used up all their savings and more.

I have met up and patiently listened while she has been extremely stressed by her money situation and has told me they’ve had to make sacrifices. I have been very sympathetic - genuinely- as I can imagine how stressful it must be.

But then friend turns up in new expensive coat (she already has about 4!) and other stuff mentioned above and my sympathy wears a bit thin! And I wonder why I’m having to listen to this every week! I’m probably jealous as I’ve had the same coat for years!

OP posts:
Plonque · 11/12/2020 13:47

I get where you are coming from, I have parents who bleat poverty all the time but I know they aren't anywhere near skint.
I also have a SIL who has a very high earning DH, she herself has a property portfolio of several places and her kids attend private school and yet she stillll has the gall to claim she's skint.
I just nod and smile, they're in their own world and nothing you say will bring them out into the real world!

ZaraW · 11/12/2020 13:57

I'm not quite so nice, I would have to ask why she was buying non essentials whilst there was more important things to be spending money on and suggest a budget tracking app.

Catsup · 11/12/2020 13:59

I'd have waited till she started on with the poverty theme and then butted in with 'Ooooh I love your new coat. How much was it?' 😂

Original poster
Namechangeforthis111 · 11/12/2020 14:11

I do bring it up, and she does say her dh has said she must not spend any more that month as it will take them over their credit limit, but she just doesn’t seem to equate the two things. She just doesn’t seem to take it seriously.

She said she doesn’t know how they will afford Christmas, especially for their 2dc but then all this stuff appears!

OP posts:
yoyo1234 · 11/12/2020 14:12

I think address the issue ( like Catsup) or distance yourself. People can be draining when lacking self awareness.

Plonque · 11/12/2020 14:15

dh has said she must not spend any more that month as it will take them over their credit limit

Does she actually say "credit limit" cos there's your answer to why she finds cash she claims not to have ... it's all on the never never!!
I'm finding this true of a lot of seemingly "wealthy" designer-wearing people, it's all on tick and, in reality, they don't have two beans to rub together!

showmethegin · 11/12/2020 14:17

Is your friend Carrie Bradshaw?

Original poster
Namechangeforthis111 · 11/12/2020 14:22

@Plonque

Wording like that yes. She’s not stupid either which makes it even more baffling. It’s like she sees them as essentials like food etc. In fact she told me she’d cut back on food by buying less treats and puddings.

I just can’t imagine how anyone would prioritise stuff like that, even if it meant wearing the same hat/coat/bag as last year (as I have for past few years until they wear out) when they know they’re a bit tight for money.

OP posts:
Catsup · 11/12/2020 14:28

But if she getting the clothes on store cards and catalogues it's not the same as not having a tenner in your purse for bread and milk.

ZaraW · 11/12/2020 14:29

[quote Namechangeforthis111]@Plonque

Wording like that yes. She’s not stupid either which makes it even more baffling. It’s like she sees them as essentials like food etc. In fact she told me she’d cut back on food by buying less treats and puddings.

I just can’t imagine how anyone would prioritise stuff like that, even if it meant wearing the same hat/coat/bag as last year (as I have for past few years until they wear out) when they know they’re a bit tight for money.[/quote]
She may not be stupid but she has issues regarding spending. I know a few people like that. My friend buys his 16 year old 600 pound trainers and lives in a rented one bed flat and is in serious debt. It's all superficial BS.

LemmysAceCard · 11/12/2020 15:04

I knew someone like this. She borrowed £100 from her boyfriend and as she was so skint, had no money till pay day then spent £30 on a coat for her dog. She also borrowed £100 from her dad, same story, skint, then spent £25 on a new dressing gown she didnt need, she had plenty, but it was sooo soft.

Always shopped at Waitrose and M&S but always claimed poverty and borrowed money from her dad and boyfriend.

I think there are degrees to skint, when i am skint i generally have £2 to my name and nothing left in my bank.

Original poster
Namechangeforthis111 · 12/12/2020 11:38

Friend is always saying “I have nothing to wear” despite buying tonnes every time we go shopping. I have literally never known anyone buy so much. It’s like there’s no off switch.

Friend has just spent a few hundred pounds on a coat she really needed as she didn’t have any others - despite having at least 3 winter coats I have seen- and then on a recent trip to shops bought another one! (More dressy).

I tried to talk her out of it but to no avail.

If I see anything I like in a shop, friend will pounce on it and buy it for herself, then plead poverty. Won’t be able to buy a drink or food because has no money! It’s insane! And infuriating!!

OP posts:
Sirius99 · 12/12/2020 11:44

I think it’s all relevant, mostly as people we are always looking to people with more than us, I know a person who is a self made millionaire and now feels hard up when they go out with people who have far more money than them, they don’t mix with the same set of friends now ( to poor )

waitinggame108 · 12/12/2020 11:53

It's an addiction in my eyes, the same as gambling drugs and alcohol. They will always be like this unless it's under control and at the moment your friend is in the denial but continue to self-destruct phase.

My mother is the person you describe and I know several others that are the same. It's a completely fake life, but she won't see that at the moment no matter what you say.

IToldYouIWantedTheUnicorn · 12/12/2020 17:21

I know someone like that; she pleads poverty and sometimes claims she cannot afford a coffee when we go out, yet lives in a massive house that they've just spent a fortune doing up, buys lots of clothes, has a new car, etc. Her daughter turned 18 last year, and they bought her Louis Vuitton handbag, £1.5k in cash, a 4 day trip to New York, plus lots of other bits and pieces too. Yet she's too skint to buy a coffee!

woodhill · 12/12/2020 17:25

Selective spending. I see it a lot

Vivarium · 12/12/2020 17:31

I know someone who's the opposite. Lots of cash in the bank (tens of thousands, I happen to know), but won't use her dishwasher because the electricity would be "too expensive."

Some people are just money illiterate. Or they have psychological problems around it. Or both...

PositiveLife · 12/12/2020 17:40

I had to ditch a friend like this. Kept saying she was broke and then buying stuff. Eventually she claimed to be broke so wouldn't be coming out for drinks with us, another friend paid for her...a few days later she was showing off a new £100 non-essential purchase Hmm

bubblesforlife · 12/12/2020 18:18

I have this friend!!! She annoys the hell out of me.
Everything comes back to money. She lives at home (late 20’s), earns an ok salary, and complains forever she has no money. She has IOUd me a wedding gift (she was my BM) because she had no money, but bought a new(used) rather expensive car a few months before.... I don’t want the gift, I just know it was BS!
There are no excuses for the constant moaning about no money.

It drives me nuts. “Want go to go the cinema”, “no thanks I’m broke.”

She’s not broke, she’s simply incredibly tight.
I despair

Original poster
Namechangeforthis111 · 12/12/2020 19:28

@waitinggame108

It's an addiction in my eyes, the same as gambling drugs and alcohol. They will always be like this unless it's under control and at the moment your friend is in the denial but continue to self-destruct phase.

My mother is the person you describe and I know several others that are the same. It's a completely fake life, but she won't see that at the moment no matter what you say.

I think you’re right, it is bordering on addiction!

Some people seem to have more self control whereas friend is severely lacking this.

OP posts:
itsgettingaberrylikechristmas · 13/12/2020 12:35

I had a friend like this. I stopped talking to her in the end because I lost respect for her. She was a single mum, but behaving as though she had a second income then would come to my house asking to Borrow food/money etc.
One day I had had enough, and didn't answer the door. Maybe. You need to do the same.

Original poster
Namechangeforthis111 · 13/12/2020 12:59

@itsgettingaberrylikechristmas

I know it’s very frustrating, I can quite imagine why you stopped contact. I think I would be the same if friend was borrowing off me.

I really struggle to understand some people’s priorities- to me it would be mortgage or rent, food, bills then kids and house essentials, then kids treats and finally my treats but I guess everyone is different?

I can’t imagine being married to someone who is the total opposite to that, like friend and her dh.

OP posts:
Nottherealslimshady · 13/12/2020 13:29

Drives me insane. Its worst when they then expect you to sub them because you have so much more money than them.
Put a stop to that with DHs friend when DH bought both their tickets to a very expensive event which friend was paying DH back monthly. Friend then started saying how they were skint and wouldn't be able to go. Expecting DH to just shoulder the cost of his ticket. I was fuming and DH finally saw he wa being taken advantage of. Friend earns more than us. We know this. But he and his wife just spend so much on shit. He complains about money she's pissed away in the same breath as telling DH about all the things he's pissed his money away on. Then complains that we can afford holidays .
I genuinely dont think they see that they're doing it. He got a 400 pound bonus last month, he spent 200 quid on his car (accessories, non essential) before he even had it. Second wife saw it she spent 200 quid on curtains. Then he'll be complaining about our 370 quid week long holiday in Scotland (covid permitting)

TeenyTinyDustinHoffman · 13/12/2020 13:43

Yanbu. And I don't buy the "well it's all relevant to who they compare themselves to" argument either.
A person on 80k, looking up to people on 200k and living a similar lifestyle, who finds they have no money left at the end of the month is not poor. They are shit with money.

Whatisthisfuckery · 13/12/2020 13:48

I have family member like this. I get comments about how I’ve got more money than them, which isn’t true. I’ve started brushing them off with, ‘well you spend it all.’