AIBU to offer SIL help or not

[SleeplessInSouthEast]

NC because...I want to 😂

SIL is due her first baby. DP and SILs mum passed away a few years ago and so did BIL's mum. Their dads are lovely but not much practical help.

My own mum helped when DC was born. Doing washing, laundry and making meals that we could keep in fridge and microwave. She wouldn't stay long and very much kept herself in the background doing things then going home and doing it all again a couple of days later. It was a massive help for us both to not have to think about washing or food for a bit and focus on bonding with DC. We both appreciated it so much.

DP, seeing how great it was to have the support and feeling a bit sad that his DSIS won't have their own or BILs mum around, wants to extend the offer for us to help when their DC arrives so they have some support.

I'm 100% on board with this and think it's kind and thoughtful of him to offer. I'm happy to cook at home to drop over meals and clean and tidy too.

However, I appreciate not everyone likes the same kind of support and some may see it as a massive imposition and dread having to deal with others in the fourth trimester.

DP broached the subject before with her but tbh he's not the best at communicating with his DSIS and we’re none the wiser about what she wants.

I'd like to speak to her myself, woman to woman, but I don't want to risk offending her or make her feel like she's being put on the spot by asking outright if she'd like some support, meals cooked, washing done etc. I also want to make sure she knows we genuinely want to help if her reaction is to say no out of pride or because she thinks it will be a bother to us (our DC is still little).

SIL and I get on really well and are very friendly, she’s a fantastic Aunty and a lovely person, I don’t want to risk overstepping or ruining our rapport.

I'm a bit torn on whether I should ask or not and if I do, HOW I should do it.

So:

YANBU: You should definitely ask her for clarity and so she knows they have support if they want it, it's a nice thing to do

YABU: It's a massive imposition on a new mother and you should leave them be

I think offer.

Say what you said here. That you really appreciated your DM helping out but staying in the background. You realise she hasn't got that grandparent support so you would love to help if she would like. She doesn't need to decide ahead of the baby being born but you want her to know the offer is genuinely there, one mother to another.

you sound like a lovely SIL. I don't get on that well with mine and live a long way away, but after DC1 2 of them came over for a week (we moved house a week before the birth) unpacked, cleaned, cooked, washed and just helped out where it was needed. It was an amazingly generous gift and i really appreciated it.

Definitely echo what @TeenPlusTwenties has posted.

But you'll need to start talking to her directly rather through intermediaries, but can appreciate it can feel awkward if there is a bit of distance and you don't want to be overbearing.

Thank you for your input. I think you’re all right, I just need to be upfront, say we’re there if she wants/needs us. And I like what @TeenPlusTwentiest said that She doesn't need to decide ahead of the baby being born but want her to know the offer is genuinely there, one mother to another. Well put and succinct. Thank you

Just ask her, it’s lovely that you want to help. Let her know that even if she says no now, she can change her mind later down the line.

:-)

Is her DH taking paternity leave? Is so after he goes back to work will be a good time to step up, if she is up for it. Even walks with the pram with her would be good for the company I'm guessing, especially if there are not many things open.

Go for it, it's a lovely genuine offer

Yep as the others have said just have a chat and be honest. Say its an open offer for whenever, before, during or afterwards. Just reassure her you are offering to stay in the background and are not going to do any crazy 'granny' things you read on here like disappearing for a walk with the baby. You'll be as hands on as she need and that you have time for (don't want her turning into a CF and BIL doing sod all)

of course you should offer. But you are also over thinking. If you are relatively close already, and live relatively close by to each other, I'd have thought this could be handled fairly organically. When SIL had a baby I pretty much cooked for them for about a month. Usually we'd drop something off every day or two. When we did we'd sometimes stay, make tea and take baby for a bit if necessary while SIL had a shower or a nap or read the room and simply dropped and went.

I’d offer, but without any expectation of an arrangement being made there and then. Then when the baby is born, you can cook something to take round and offer to take some washing or do a bit of cleaning or whatever while you’re there. If it seems like it was appreciated you can do it again.

I would ring her and check how she is getting on and then let her know you are happy to help if needed. Tbh when you go over to see the baby I would take some food over that they can eat and then do the washing up, make tea etc. whilst ypu are there. That way she has got your kind offer and it is up to her if she takes you up on it.

My friend made us a week of gorgeous lasagna, cottage pies etc and put them in our freezer. It was the best thing when I got out of hospital and was desperate for proper food!

Thats the best way to do ot. Talk to jer and if she says no then just say if you change your mind let us know

Speak to her, woman to woman.
Even if she says "No I'll be fine" take something homemade over. I'm insanely jealous when my friend and I had babies a few weeks apart, she FB'd "I've a fab sis who's just brought me a lasagna" nobody thought to do that for me. If I'd asked yes someone would have done it but I didn't ask but I wouldn't have refused if someone had done it either.

Yeah I had no mum or family near and every time my mil came over she offered to help but I felt embarrassed so it turned into her playing with the baby and me cleaning and making coffee when she came over. To be honest I wish I’d just said ‘yes please do some hoovering that would be amazing’

Just offer your help. Explain how invaluable you found your Mum’s help and that you’d like to extend the offer. If she declines then fine, no pressure on her at all really.

Definitely offer and whatever she says then take some food over but don’t be offended if she declines further help. I have my mum around, we are fairly close but in no way did I want her around & probably fussing at the beginning! Just wanted my own space with my baby. Every family is different though.

DP, seeing how great it was to have the support and feeling a bit sad that his DSIS won't have their own or BILs mum around, wants to extend the offer for us to help when their DC arrives so they have some support.

By “us” does he really meanness “you”? How many meals is he planning to make for them for them? How much cleaning and tidying is he planning to do for them?

If what he means if that you should do it, because it is wimmin’s work ( I see the dads have already been signed off as being a bit useless - how convenient), is Jen planning on picking up more around your own house in terms of cooking, cleaning and childcare so that you are free to help out his sister?

Yes absolutely as pps have said.

I also think being alert to your role is great and how helpful and wonderful that can be.

So saying do you need anything is very different to hello, here's a pan of soup and a lasagne. Let me take these clothes.

If my sil says do you need anything I automatically say no. But we have the relationship where she just does it anyway, in a discreet way. I'm hopeless at asking for help, but would take it when genuinely offered.

@Bikingbear exactly! If people had just done it I would have been so grateful but asking ‘do you need any help with..’ just makes me instantly squirm and say no

Some great pints raised here. It might well be awkward for her to say yes so I’ll just let her know the offer is there and if/when we’re invited to meet the little one we’ll bring food and extra for the freezer. I’ll take a view when we’re there if there’s anything we can just ‘do’ whilst we’re there. No pressure.

@SpaceOp we are friends and friendly but I wouldn’t say we are ‘close’, we are politely respectful of one another. So yes I am overthinking because it’s not a natural conversation between to have with her as it would be with my best mate for example. And we live about 45 mins away so not exactly in the neighbourhood but a distance we’d be happy to make as needed.

@MaskingForIt I see what you’re going for but no this isn’t it.

The Dads aren’t useless, this just isn’t their biggest comfort area and they’re both still grieving so as great as it would be that they stepped in, at the moment it seems like too big an ask, and that’s ok. Also, one of them is too far away for it to work out that way anyway.

As far as my DP goes also no. He approached me with the idea first and suggested paying for a food service and cleaner if need be. But after chatting it felt a bit too impersonal (although the option is still there) and we both want to do what we can. Yes he plans to pick up the slack with DC so I can cook because I LOVE doing it and they live 45 mins away so he’d be doing all the driving and if taken up on the offer would be taking days off work to help.

We both play to our strengths. Some of them are in line with gender stereotypes but we’re both happy with that so no issues here!

Just offer and say you are not offended if they would rather be left alone, and you are fine with dropping off food and not staying too.

Definitely plan visits so you have a bit of time to help her out.

Must be really hard not to have a Granny figure somewhere. This baby could really bring you both together and bond you in ways that you can't imagine.