To have these niggling feelings..

[tubiee]

Hello,

So my DO and I are TTC. We have been trying for 6 months now, and I have just recently come out of my 'fertile window' for this month.

Sadly, a couple of months back we had a early miscarriage and lost the baby. We were both so excited, and our worlds just came crashing down 😔

I won't lie - we are young. I'm 24 DP is 27, but we have been together many years (8) and this is 1000% something we want, we have thoroughly thought it through and discussed.

Anyway. This fertile window, we have managed to catch it early using OPK's etc and have been able to, in turn; DTD much more frequently meaning we should hopefully have a better chance of conceiving.

I'm sat here now, been awake most of the night. I've got theses strange little niggling thoughts in the back of my mind - if I do get pregnant:

• what if I'm a terrible mum!
• life as I know it will never be the same
• we are the first of our friends to have children, what If they don't want to know us anymore?

I know it's all irrational, and in the grand scheme of things if my friends don't want to stick around then it says a lot..
But I am a natural worrier and feeling even more worried now 😭🥴

Please only kind comments - we are CERTAIN that this is what we want.

Sorry, forgot to say; thank you you in advance ❤️

There’s nothing ‘irrational’ about being aware that your life will never be the same, that parenting is often challenging, and that you will certainly lose friends, or at least not retain them on the same footing, especially if you’re way ahead of the curve in your circle in having children.

Personally, I’d suggest you listen to your niggles and postpone this for a few years and enjoy your life as it is now. You’re very young.

@Kippure thank you, all very good points. I am just trying to weigh it all up. We are so sure that this is what we want but I always have these little thoughts at the back of my mind. X

I think that those feelings are very normal. I think that I was OK with my first pregnancy, but I distinctly remember thinking Oh shit! What have we done? When I was pregnant for the 2nd time. Both pregnancies were planned and very much wanted, but I still had these feelings.

I had those feelings when I was pregnant (after years and years of trying) and at the age of 37..... I think it’s normal.

1. The fact you are worrying about this says to me that you’ll be great.
2. It won’t 😄
3. We were the last so kids of friends were much much older. My friends were great and I’ve made many more because of being a mum.

Good luck to you ❤️

You won’t be a terrible mum, you’ll work it out like the rest of us and love them with everything you have which is what really matters.

Life will not be the same but you’re certain it’s what you want. Life will be a whole lot busier, louder and chaotic but you’ve created a person, you become a family and that’s very special.

You may lose friends but you’ll gain a whole load more who are going through the same stuff and will support you through this amazing journey.

Good luck OP!

Well, its certainly a big step into the unknown, especially if you are the first of your friendship group to have a child. So your questions are good ones. But....

What if you're a great mum? All parents take a step into the unknown with their first. No-one is sure what to do, how they'll cope, but they do the best they can. And generally that's good enough. You'll lose some friends and you'll gain some new ones. You're going to meet a lovely new young friend soon and you'll be surprised by how much more love you have in you. Life will change, will get harder; but it will probably get more rewarding too.

There are no certainties, but this is life. If you really think you're ready then crack on and hold tight. It's going to be quite a ride

Thank you all. I think I just doubt myself sometimes. I know I can do it, it's a dream we have both shared for years before now, finally deciding to go ahead.
I think sometimes it's just a scary thought as well as exciting! Xx

It’s perfectly normal to have niggles. I’d be worried if you didn’t!

It’s a massive shift so the fact that you’re aware of that bodes well.

As for your friends - well, to be honest it will change a lot of your friendships. You’re very young so your friends will be too I’m guessing. Your life will just be at a completely different stage. That doesn’t mean you’ll lose them but don’t be surprised if you get left out of stuff. That comes up on here a lot! I think if you accept that you won’t have the same interests all the time, and they won’t always invite you to single, carefree stuff then if they’re true friends you’ll find some middle ground.

You’ll also make more friends- mum friends. Maybe not massively close but people who are at the same point of life as you. Someone to have a coffee with etc.

Don’t underestimate the value of a couple of acquaintances! They can be a lifesaver during the ups and downs of nursery/school etc.

I hope I don’t sound patronising - I had my first at 24 and I needed to because by 30 I was infertile due to medical issues, so I don’t have an issue with young mums! BUT I would encourage you to train in a skill/degree whatever and focus on that alongside having a child. I’d suggest going back to work or studying at home when the baby is small...I think at a young age especially it’s important to have something for yourself that you can turn to when the kids are older but you’re still quite young!

Good luck!

Why not talk about your niggles with your DP? Life will change, but if you both pitch in, it doesn't have to stop. When he says he wants to be a Dad does he mean an equal hands-on parent? Many men don't mean that and see the Mother as the default parent. Have you sorted out everything around your maternity leave and not having an income?

Doubrs are normal. I had some while in labour with my third! My DD had two wanted and planned children by your age. I had one. I'm not saying what I did because of your age. Not everyone wants a career first or at all. I had secondary infertility and if I'd waited, I might never have had the children that I wanted.