To not speak to my grandmother...

[yahyahs22]

So there's been a lot of drama since my mother passed away. My grandmother is a very self centred woman, everything is about her and its not she doesn't care in the slightest.
My DF was with my DM for over 30 years, completely and utterly besotted. They had normal relationship issues like anyone else, but my Grandmother has told me my mother was miserable with him, wanted to leave him etc (unbelievable, there's just no way) and when he called to check up on her she hung up and said she didn't want anything to do with him. He was heartbroken.
I haven't spoken to her since, almost a year to the day, even though I've had a new baby, she hasn't even asked after him. She moans that no one calls her yet NEVER calls anyone herself. Her son (my uncle) has cancer and is very close to passing and she still makes it all about her, I mean I know her sons passing away and that must be awful but I mean she'll say 'I'm in pain too!' (She has a lung disease and still smokes 20 a day)
Theres so much more to this as I'm sure you can imagine, family = drama! But my question is, its her birthday soon and obviously Christmas too, aibu to not call her? If I'm completely honest I don't want to after everything and I know she will play the victim card if I do, but it feels a bit wrong to just ignore her even though she's bloody awful tbh. (She once told me my mum tried to commit suicide because of my dad...not true at all!) What would you do in my position??

How old is she?

83

I would avoid any further contact. It sounds like she’s had chance after chance, but has refused to change her ways.

You will get responses saying ‘I would give the world for just five minutes more with my grandmother; count yourself lucky’, because that’s par for the course on MN. Ignore them. You know what your grandmother is like and only you can decide if you want her in your life. The fact that she won’t be here forever doesn’t have to determine your decision.

I'm sure the ones who say that have had a relationship with their grandmother i could only dream of! She used to tell me all about her sexcapades when I was 7/8! Used to make my mother feel guilty for having her own life, made her call her every single night. And yeah, there's so so much more to the story. My mother was on chemo but still had to hear about her complaints. It was hard for me to hear. I can forgive, but I can't forget and go round in circles!

I forgot to add my father also has terminal cancer. He's doing okay but the doctors have said 5 years at most, almost 2 years ago. So I'm even more protective of him than I would be other wise. Hes been an amazing dad, husband and son, he didn't deserve the crap from her. Hes cut her off guilt free and he is an extremely kind hearted man. I'm just playing tug of war with my conscience..

Just because she's related to you, doesn't mean that you have to have anything to do with her. She sounds toxic. My aunt was the same as your grandma. When my DM was dying of cancer, she had no sympathy, but just moaned about how bad a time she had had recently looking after her husband who had been unwell but recovered. I haven't heard from her since, and good riddance.

Just because she's related to you, doesn't mean that you have to have anything to do with her.

This. She sounds awful, and based solely on the way she has treated your DF I would not bother contacting her. If she ends up being alone and lonely it is her own fault.

I have that view too, she did this to herself.
My family is so close and we all talk all the time, so it makes no sense to be an us problem..

Sometimes you just have to let people go if they are making your life more unhappy than it needs to be. You sound like a very good daughter.

I don’t think I would make contact, she sounds awful. Just ensure you’ll have no regrets about it if anything happens to her.
Would you bother with her if she wasn’t related? If the response is no, then there’s your answer.

My Grandmother was like this, she damaged all of us. It wasn’t dementia, just spite in her case. I don’t feel bad about how little I visited her, each time was awful.

Thanks for your replies guys. It makes me feel comforted knowing what I want to do isn't evil!