dont know, don't understand

[winternoland]

Hi All!

As much as I love doing christmas every year, this year, I just cannot do it. We are still grieving our 2nd trimester pregnancy loss from earlier this year.

Friends just had their baby, and I am genuinely very happy for them.They know, we've been through so much, and they now are inviting us to celebrate christmas with them. I am a bit baffled and hoping that, I would not have to explain myself to them, that I dont want to be celebrating this year.

I know they are excited, but I really cannot share the same excitement this christmas.

I am disappointed, and now I feel, I'll be pressured to explain. Was really hoping for some emotional maturity from them, tbh.

AIBU ?

They are probably trying to be there for you and attempt to help you by giving of their time and company and hosting you.

I'm sure that if you explain that you're not feeling up to it, they will understand completely. They're trying to help by not abandoning you.

I'm sorry for your loss.

I think pp is right, if they are good enough friends that you are genuinely happy for them even in the midst of your own loss, they are probably trying a bit too hard not to exclude you.
I think all you need to say is your not up to it this year, they will know and understand why.
Take care

It's kinder of them to invite you rather than ostracise you.
Just say that you'd prefer a Christmas at home this year.

I'm sure they will understand why this is not something you feel you can do this year op 🌼 I'm so sorry for your loss, I can't imagine your pain.

I’ve had a second trimester miscarriage as well as a baby die neonatally, so I do understand your feelings. I don’t think they are being emotionally immature and I agree that they are trying to be supportive friends.

As someone who has been there, sometimes an event you are dreading is better with your friends by your side. I appreciate their baby might well be a step too far for you this Christmas but as a bereaved parent it’s also very hurtful to feel friends have stepped back or are avoiding you because of what you have been through or because they feel awkward they have a living baby and you don’t. I’m projecting here based on my experience, but sometimes no matter what others do they can’t win or get it right.

You only have to say that you want a quiet Christmas but thank you for thinking of you. If they push, just repeat that after all the.events of the year you are looking forward to a few quiet days. Surely they will accept that (and if you can't face it have your partner do the refusing).

I think it’s very kind of them to invite you and quite the opposite of emotionally immature.

When I was blindsided by grief, I felt like I was giving off a stench that only some people could bear and I was grateful for their support.

You don’t have to accept the invitation and I’m sure they’ll understand, but remember that it’s far easier for friends to turn their back on people who are suffering than it is to hold out a hand.

Thank you for replying. It's helpful to see the other angle too.

We have had invitations every year since we lost our son. People want to be kind. But they all accept our polite apologies without question. I doubt I will ever celebrate anything again, but I appreciate their good intentions.