To not know wether to cuddle this woman in John Lewis or shout at her......

[happytobemam]

I was in the cafe in John Lewis this weekend with my daughter and sat near me was a woman with her elderly mam who was in a wheelchair. The woman kept losing her temperament with her mam, shouting at her and getting cross with her because she had to keep repeating herself etc.

On one hand I felt very sorry for this lady and wanted to give her a hug, I know it's hard to care for an elderly relative. I helped nurse my father with dementia and my mother through cancer and I do understand that it's hard to always be calm and never get frustrated.

On the other hand, I felt angry, I'm 30 (ish) years old and have no parents in my life and no grandparents in my little girls life and I just wanted to tell her to love and cherish her mam as it can end all too soon.....

I know IABU and it's never fair to judge, but I couldn't help myself!!!!

No, I don't think you are being unreasonable. Taking care for an elderly is hard and frustrating, but doesn't justify harshness and unkindness. Unfortunately there are many elderly who are victims of abuse .

yanbu
But having lived for many years and loosing my mum to a brain tumour. It can be so hard to see them loose what they had. I would cut her some slack.

Francagoestohollywood, thanks for the comment, Agree with what you say, but I do know it is easy to get frustrated eventhough that doesn't help the situation.

2shoes, I'm sorry you have lost your mum. I have lost my mum (6 months ago) to lung cancer and my dad to dementia. I helped to look after them both and I know how hard it is to watch them fading away either through memory loss or illness. I felt sorry for her and angry with her at the same time, although I was having an emotional day myself as my little girl hit some big milestones this weekend and was very sad mam wasn't here to see them.

I felt awful for judging her!!

happytobemum YANBU - its so awful to lose a parent, i lost my dad to alzheimers when DD was 8 weeks old and he never saw her. At the begining of his illness i would get very short tempered with him as i refused to believe he was being anything other than a forgetful old fart! If only i knew how it would end up, i would give anything for just one day, the same cliche, just to say look dad, im OK, ive done ok, im settled with a man that loves me and two wonderful children, as i remember vividly him saying to me when i had DD1 as a nineteen year old single mum, that he just wanted to know that when he died i would be "looked after", i wanted to tell him that its OK, he doesnt have to worry. I totally understand how you feel about the woman, but do take a step back, its such a difficult situation. I think your reaction says more about your feelings about losing your parents than this woman in the shop, have you had the opportunity to talk about how you are feeling with anyone. I know that i haven't dealt with losing my dad yet and he died two years ago. Despite that, my patience has run to a halt with my mother at the moment, she isnt speaking to me, im rather enjoying the rest, i daresay i'll live to regret that too.

when you say you helped nurse your father and mother, did they live with you?

I grew up with elderly relatives in the house and for mum it was a 7 day a week, 24-hour commitment. She loved her parents very much but the last few years of their life there was no place for her social life, her me-time or even her marriage

you just don't know the situation that the woman is in

Happytobemam - I too lost my dad to dementia (almost 6 years ago) and my mum to cancer (almost 2 years ago).

I can remember being really cross with my mum once when I heard her shout at my dad.

I just didn't understand what she was going through at the time, and was shocked because I don't remember my mum ever shouting at me!

But having spent more time with my dad as he got really ill I never heard my mum shout at him again, and I think it was a phase that she went through. She went onto care for him at home for another 3 years or so until he passed away.

Since I have had DD and realised that it is very easy to lose my temper or just get really frustrated I can now understand why my mum got cross at times.

I do understand how you feel, especially the bit about having no parents around and no grandparents for DD (as DH parents also passed away), but I also understand the frustration of carers sometimes, and it doesn't mean that the lady didn't love her mum or care for her properly, she may just have been having a very bad day.

sorry, I didn't want to sound sanctimonious or anything like that, and I'm certainly not known for my patience. It is just that that ad about abused elderly people sprang to my mind, it made a big impact on me.

My Mum is in the early stages of Dementia and at the moment is convinced that she can't breathe and now chain smokes as she says it keeps her alive
My Dad does get angry with her at times, last Sunday i went to visit her and he was stropping at her because she had wet the bed (is becoming incontinent) and was refusing to change her clothes and have a bath.
After almost 1 hour of gentle persuasion i got her into the bath and into some clean clothes.
As she got out to be dried i just burst out crying and gave her a big hug...don't know why, maybe it's because i felt like i was loosing her and wanted her to know how much i loved her.
At least she hugged me back and said i was just being a "daft apath".
When my Mum started to get ill almost 4 yrs ago i used to get very angry with her as she almost bankrupted my Dad by spending loads on rubbish, she has run up over £30,000 in debt but this is when she had a "manic" episode when she had her Manic Depression.
Since starting work as a Home carer i've become much more understanding and i don't get angry anymore as i see that my familly is NOT alone in this and lots of people do this everyday behind closed doors in lots of cases.
AB

Hug her.

Message withdrawn

Ripeberry sorry that you and your family are going through this, it is such a horrible illness.

I found with my dad, the worse he got the easier it was to look after him (my mum looked after him and I helped out)..

I began to love him as as a totally different person, it wasn't the dad I knew, but a softer older man,who needed help with everything. He was quite argumentative before he became ill, and as his illness took its toll he became far more agreeable!.

It did take time though, as he fought against his illness and didn't want people helping him (can't blame him for that)..

Your dad is bound to have times he is cross wih your mum, it is such hard work looking after someone that has dementia, but it sounds as though you are around to help out sometimes to give him a break..

Ripeberry, is your mum getting treatment and your dad getting some help? If not, now is the time to start shouting! We cound social services slow to help and we had to stamp our feet, eventually before my dad got really bad and had to go into residential carethey did arange for him to go to day centres which he enjoyed (he thought it was his job bless him) and it gave my mum a break. There are drugs out there that slow down the progression of the disease but you often have to stamp your feet to get them. Apologies if you know all this already, but we were told nothing and it made things much harder. Contact the alzheimers society as they are a great help. Also, if your mum does have to go to respite care or a care home, start looking BEFORE she needs this as there are some lovely homes out there, but sadly as we experienced, there are some terrible ones.

heifer-sadly the opposite was true for us, dad got difficult and violent, where before he was lovely and that is whywe had to put him into a care home

I know what you mean - my dad did go through a voilent stage but it passed (although have to admit I don't know how long it lasted as my mum didn't tell me at first)..

As my mum wanted Dad to stay at home she did manage to get some help with his care, and respite every few months (althoug she hated him going, she really needed the rest).

My mum also got carers help of some sort, whic did help her out, but it was more social than practical but at least it as something..She went on art courses etc whilst I looked after Dad.

Definately agree shouting having to shout for help, but once it comes it is a lifeline. My mum couldn't have keep my dad at home without it, as it got the othe point that my bed was bedridden and needed to be turned etc.

Thank you all for your messages, they made me cry.

I'm so sorry that so many of us have lost our mums and dads to dementia/cancer. I know all to well how easy it is to think that we should never lose our temper and always deal with the situation with a great big smile, but in reality that's not always possible and through physical and mental exhaustion it's easy to get cross which doesn't help.

I'd like to think I did my best to care for my parents through illness but I certainly would never say I was perfect (by far)!!

Huge hugs to each of you who has lost or is losing a parent, it's just not fair!!

PS Ripeberry, where are you from, 'daft apath' is a saying I know all to well!!

xxxxxx

It's daft 'ha'p'orth' - which means 'half penny's worth' - presumably a small thing.

I'm from Wiltshire and my mum said it a lot..