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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell my dad to stop giving my son money incase he's spending it on fags.....

41 replies

Dickorydockwhatthe · 10/12/2020 18:42

He's just 16 and in with a rough crowd. Started drinking and smoking. Before his birthday he asked for money. I told him if I found out he brought fags with the money I or anyone had given him I would be fuming and I'd take it off him. 2 weeks later he tried lighting up in his bedroom which I obviously found out due to the smell. He obviously panicked and tried putting it out. I eventually sniffed out a pack of 20 in room and conviscated it from him and gave him a telling off as he was warned and then the fact he tried to smoke in the house made it worse! However now his money has run dry but he's still coming home stinking of smoke but saying a friend gave it to him. He visits his granddad now and then and is very close but he often gives him money. Today I have asked my dad not to give it to him for this reason as want to stop the opportunity or at least limit them and I sometimes wonder if he sees him for this reason 😔. My Son has basically said we aren't giving him money for his tea or feeding him when he comes home (he comes home 9/10pm when out with his friendssome nights so I'm hardly going to cook a tea then) !! He can have tea or lunch before he goes out but this is obviously not good enough. Last night he came in at 9ish and so I said he could have beans on toast but again he wants to fry or cook something and it all rusbish food and I don't want him using all my food and making a mess so late in the evening. Anyway my son now knows I've told my dad not to give him money, my dad's upset and now my son isbecause he says he wouldn't use the money for fags but obviously he's lied in the past so I wanted to make sure. It's all kicked off and I'm feeling like shit. It's not just the smoking I'm worried about he's young and vulnerable, and if he has money he's a sitting target.

OP posts:

Original poster

Dickorydockwhatthe · 10/12/2020 20:34

I do know teens eat loads I'm well aware of that but like I said when he eats all the snacks I've brought for packed lunches when I've only got it the day before and then denies it then obviously I'm going to be pissed off!! I've not told him not to smoke or punished him for smoking, I told him off for being disrespectful for being stupid enough to smoke in his room. I've told him the dangers of smoking etc. I can't stop him it's his choice but I can obviously choose not to fund it. I can also be annoyed that his room stinks of smoke as does the car, his clothes and even the dog if he picks her up. He reeks when he comes in.

OP posts:

slipperywhensparticus · 10/12/2020 20:34

Photos to every shop that sells cigarettes in the local area pointing out he is under age and they can lose their licence if they sell to him or sell to someone who is obviously buying for him

Food on a plate in the microwave to eat if he smashes his room you do not replace anything he breaks and you sell his stuff to replace anything of yours he breaks if he lays one hand on any member of the family you call the police

I mean its up to him if he smokes but you dont have to make it easy and you don't have to have it in your house

Original poster

Dickorydockwhatthe · 10/12/2020 20:38

Thank you Slippery that is the best bit of advice I really appreciate that.

OP posts:

blueluce85 · 11/12/2020 05:23

The rules should be simple... I will not support you and fund you smoking or doing weed... If you do those things, it will not be under this roof! People are so soft nowadays... Nothing you can do to stop them.... Cut them off!!

SuperCaliFragalistic · 11/12/2020 06:04

It's very worrying for you but its likely a phase. I think a lot of people on MN have forgotten what being a teenager is like. You might think his friends are rough but he enjoys their company and he's old enough to choose his own friends. Don't drive him away. You can't stop him smoking or seeing his friends. You can limit how much of your own money goes on fags but if he has a good relationship with his grandad then don't try and spoil that. Encourage him to get a job where he will come into contact with a more responsible group of friends.

LuaDipa · 11/12/2020 07:17

The smoking is awful, and yanbu to do everything within your power to stop it.

I couldn’t get worked up about the eating late though. My ds 14 is always starving. He eats dinner with us as a family, but will often head downstairs at 9 or 10pm when we are in bed to make himself a snack. Teenagers do keep different hours to adults, I remember being up late at that age myself. I would let him cook when he gets in on the condition that he agrees to clean up his mess. He is only 2 years from being an adult and should be allowed some responsibility.

Original poster

Dickorydockwhatthe · 12/12/2020 08:07

Well two of the lads beat him up last night as they said he snaked on them by trying it in with a girl one them likes. I warned him that these are not the type of kids you cross. Luckily he's always but I had to rush and get him as he was hiding in a petrol station. He just doesn't ever listen he's very nieve and gullible.

OP posts:

Ukholidaysaregreat · 12/12/2020 09:21

Sounds really worrying OP and like they are a mean crowd. He might be put off going out with them for a while. Maybe talk to your son and tell him he can tell the friend gang he is grounded and use that as an excuse. Hopefully the experience will have made him realise they are not good friends.

Emeraldshamrock · 12/12/2020 09:45

It is a shit age. All you can do is educate him on dangers of smoking.
I was a terrible 16y.o I put friends over family all the time.
Are you sure it isn't weed they're smoking? Very few teenagers smoke cigarettes unfortunately many of them smoke weed.
I'd be fearful of cutting him off financially he'll find money other ways.
Getting him away from a bad crowd would be my priority again friends become more important then family in your teens it will be hard.
I believe choose your battle with a teenager they're like larger toddlers.
Yanbu ask DF to stop supplying him cash.

Emeraldshamrock · 12/12/2020 09:50

I would definitely leave him something to heat up on the microwave
Teenagers need extra food and sleep to develop.

snookercue · 12/12/2020 09:54

@blueluce85

The idea of cutting off your 16 year old when what they actually need is help, support and love is 'horrific'

OP the food thing wouldn't bother me in the slightest. My teens regularly eat at different times, both to me & DH, and each other. I'm not fussed what or when people eat. The smoking issue would be a huge one for me but I honestly don't know how you tackle it. Not allowing a 16 year old any money at all isn't practical or sustainable.

Zenithbear · 12/12/2020 10:05

I hope he is ok. My teens, now grown ups with jobs and homes, went through similar. So it really is just a phase. I always made sure there was loads of easy to sort food in the house and never expected them back for tea unless they asked. Also it is teaching them independence, mine are good cooks as I taught them from young.
They learned like your ds has that they aren't really friends in the end. You were the one who picked him up and was there when he needed someone and he'll remember that.

Zenithbear · 12/12/2020 10:10

Regarding the smoking and money. Two of mine smoked at that age, both packed up before they were 20. I did give them some money but they had small jobs so not much and turned a blind eye that it would probably be spent on fags even though it annoyed me. As for birthdays and Christmas I gave gifts mostly never wads of cash.

Original poster

Dickorydockwhatthe · 12/12/2020 13:49

I think its more then just the money and food. He's just acting completely unreasonable and theirs so much expectation. He also has SEN developmental language disorder which a bit like verbal dyslexia and processing issues. He's extremely vulnerable and I am worried. I have given him money before but he's so rude and horrible I don't want too just give him it. If he did a few jobs and earnt money then that's different, if he cleaned up after himself and was more respectful then it wouldnt be so much of an issue. Obviously I'm Concerned about this group, it's almost like he's accepted the beating because he had wronged them and thinks if he keeps his head low for a bit it will be forgotten. Half his face is swollen and he has a black eye. The money thing is not just the fags but where else it may lead him because I know some of them take drugs. I do try and make sure he can have something when he comes home but like I said its late, the puppy sleeps in the kitchen and it's like we all have to adapt and fit in with him! When he's been out with his ex girlfriend, friends I know and trust I didn't have this much of an issue and could trust him to buy something.

OP posts:

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 12/12/2020 14:03

I think you might be overreacting to the wrong things. Smoking-meh. If he's in with a bad crowd that's the least of your worries. Tell him not to smoke at home and leave it at that.
Food- just leave him a plated up dinner in the microwave- simples.
The rest of it- try and treat him like a young adult rather than butting heads with him. Offer him your support. Tell him you're worried he'll get in to drugs and ask how you can help and support him. Tell him you love him but he does need boundaries. It's really hard, you have my sympathy.

Emeraldshamrock · 12/12/2020 15:06

Awh jesus I just saw your update I hope he is okay.
It's an awful worry at 16 I'm dreading my DC getting there.
Trying to be a man but still very much a boy. Definitely no smoking in the house that is not negotiable other than that I'd lay off the battle for now. Good luck.

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