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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect a polite birthday message?

49 replies

Whyistheteacold · 10/12/2020 18:17

I suspect I am being oversensitive... 🙄 It's my birthday today, and not a single person I work with said anything at all. The women on my team are all very friendly with eachother inside and outside of work, and for some reason I have never really felt 'in' with them. On birthdays, maternity leave, new job etc we always put £5 in each to get presents and a card, which of course I have always put money in. One of the other women went on maternity leave just after we went into lockdown. We had a zoom babyshower for her, and our manager took her a bundle of presents which we all put in money towards. A few months later, I went on maternity leave and.... Nothing. I wouldn't have expected anything if I hadn't put in £5 every time it was an event/celebration for someone else. I didn't say anything of course, just felt a bit put out. We are in a group WhatsApp, and they always ask the other woman how she is getting on during her maternity leave, and it would be so lovely for her to join team meeting and so on. But since I have been on maternity leave not a single one of them have spoken to me. And today, the straw on the camel's back I suppose, not a single one said happy birthday 🙄 I feel upset to be honest, but I also feel petty for being upset about such a small thing. I get that I'm probably not their cup of tea, and they are colleagues rather than friends, but AIBU to expect just a polite happy birthday anyway?

OP posts:
Brefugee · 10/12/2020 19:51

Happy birthday OP and enjoy your toffee pavlova (that sounds amazing)

agree that you should just smile and say "oh sorry, i thought you'd sacked that kind of thing off right before my maternity leave" when they ask for a contribution

earthyfire · 10/12/2020 19:55

I wouldn't be putting in any more fivers, I'd just say I'm not participating anymore as no one does for me. I am very blunt irl though.

Aprilx · 10/12/2020 19:58

It is unkind to get a maternity gift for one person and not another. But I was thinking same as another poster, maybe they didn’t remember it was your birthday, particularly with you not being in the office.

🥳 Happy Birthday anyway.

katy1213 · 10/12/2020 20:03

But do they even know it's your birthday? I wouldn't expect colleagues to have a clue, except for the few with whom I socialise. And even more so if I was out of the office; people usually say happy birthday if you bring a cake in or something.

Ginger1982 · 10/12/2020 20:05

In my team all our birthdays are written in the shared calendar. Someone will notice a few weeks in advance and agree to organise the presents and the rest of us will chip in.

I'm sorry OP that you have such a shit team Thanks

Airyfairymarybeary · 10/12/2020 20:07

Happy birthday!
Fuck them!
Mute and archive the group until you return from may leave!!!

Gotothewinchester · 10/12/2020 20:19

Ah that's shit OP - but a very happy birthday to you! FlowersCakeBrewWineStar

Maybe they didn't realise it was your birthday today but its very mean of them not to do anything for your maternity leave when they did for someone else!

Like you said, I think it could be a good idea for you to look for something else instead of returning there after mat leave!

Foghead · 10/12/2020 20:25

That’s horrible of them op.
Cake Happy Birthday and May you move on to better things.

Mary46 · 10/12/2020 20:29

Not nice op. Im with a clicky bunch too I hate lunchtimes some days feel I nothing to say. They know each other well. I know what you mean hard not to feel it

Shamoo · 10/12/2020 20:35

Basic rules: if you are going to do team birthdays at work you have to do everyone! Anything less than that is absolutely unfair. I feel for you OP, terrible management and unpleasant colleagues. I would do as others have said and totally disengage from birthdays moving forward.

I hope you have had a lovely day despite this. And congrats on your little one.

justfreedes · 10/12/2020 20:38

That's so poor from them, sorry OP.

Aroundtheroom · 10/12/2020 20:43

Speak to your HR department, it’s a form of bullying if life events are usually celebrated within the team and yours was overlooked.

You may be glad at a later date that you logged this with HR. It sounds like a difficult working environment and if there are other incidents in the future and you leave, it may help with any claims you may wish to bring.

rubydoobydoo · 10/12/2020 20:52

Happy birthday OP!

I had similar in a previous job, the team decided we had too many collections and they were going to stop doing them - just before my birthday. The next birthday came around and they did a collection - I pointed out I thought we had stopped doing them and was told "ah but this is her 50th, we'll still do them for the big birthdays!"

Mine had been my 30th. Collections carried on for all birthdays after that.

I'm not still bitter, honest! Grin

LuckyNumberThirteen · 10/12/2020 20:54

I don't think you read it how I meant it.

They're fuckers. But if you raise it, I imagine they'll say "well you didn't contribute to Hannah's birthday" as a way to excuse them "forgetting" yours. Al

Burnthurst187 · 10/12/2020 20:54

OP, this is really not very nice behaviour from your work colleagues. In fact, it's absolutely disgusting

You contribute £5 every time and then when it's your birthday/maternity leave.... nothing. I would be very unhappy about this

I think I'd have to stop contributing because it doesn't appear to work both ways

Original poster
Whyistheteacold · 10/12/2020 20:54

@Mary46 🌼 yes I definitely don't miss lunch times!

To answer the question yes we have a calendar with the birthdays on. I do think that it is very likely they forgot/hadn't noticed which is completely understandable. I guess I thought they would notice because we are all Facebook friends and you get the notification that tells you when it's someone's birthday. On its own its such a minor thing, I think it's just bothering me as I've noticed a pattern.

Thank you all so much for the happy birthdays 💖 and kind words. Some of the suggestions have given me a right giggle

OP posts:
Original poster
Whyistheteacold · 10/12/2020 21:03

@LuckyNumberThirteen ahhh yep I see what you mean, that would be the perfect excuse for them really wouldn't it!

As a further update, I feel justified in my feelings, and I've now muted the bitches 💅🏼😂 for Christmas I'll ask them for a piggy bank so I can start putting aside my £5 contributions for myself

OP posts:
Original poster
Whyistheteacold · 10/12/2020 21:11

@rubydoobydoo the absolute cheek of it!! Happy belated birthday to you as well 🌼

OP posts:
Mary46 · 10/12/2020 21:12

Lol. God office politics!! Yes not nice if they give to one then not the other

todayIdrankmilk · 10/12/2020 21:35

Happy birthday op !!
To be honest I would just leave the WhatsApp group and save my money .
I had a similar situation a few years back in that nobody said goodbye or anything on my last day on the job. They did have a child draw me a picture ( I saw the picture as I left the building) but nobody actually gave me the picture.

Don't upset yourself ive this op. They are obviously not nice women.

Lulu345 · 10/12/2020 21:36

Happy Birthday @Whyistheteacold Hope you got some lovely birthday cuddles from your LO. That's really mean of your colleagues not to acknowledge your mat leave or birthday. I would be really pissed if that was me. As a pp said keep all your £5 for yourself and tell them why the next time they ask for a contribution! x

todayIdrankmilk · 10/12/2020 21:36

@todayIdrankmilk

Happy birthday op !! To be honest I would just leave the WhatsApp group and save my money . I had a similar situation a few years back in that nobody said goodbye or anything on my last day on the job. They did have a child draw me a picture ( I saw the picture as I left the building) but nobody actually gave me the picture.

Don't upset yourself ive this op. They are obviously not nice women.

The last paragraph should say over this
Barmyfarmy · 10/12/2020 22:23

Happy Birthday OP and congratulations on your LO! What a lovely bunch of coworkers you have... Winnie had a great idea, maybe drop it on the groupchat next time someone's mentioned. Unless of course you want the satisfaction of laughing in their faces as they realise what twats they are?
As PP said it could be worth speaking to HR, an uninviting work environment can be quite stifling and it could work in your favour (you might get some late boxes of choc to extend your b-day celebrations Wink )
Hope your LO treats you with a quiet night and a good sleep Flowers

Concestor · 11/12/2020 12:51

Do you need to be in the WhatsApp? If be tempted to leave it and leave them to their bitchiness. They sound awful

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