To ask why it seems to be the holy grail for so many women to look younger than their age?

[CounsellorTroi]

Before I start I'm not immune to this. I'm 59 and I do still dye my hair and use anti ageing moisturiser. But I do have fine lines and creases at the corner of my eyes when I smile. I don't care though. I've never had any fillers or Botox. I reckon I could pass for 55 in a good light.

But it does seem to be that the ultimate compliment to a woman, apart from "have you lost weight?" is "you're how old? Gosh I would never have guessed". It doesn't seem to be an issue for men - in fact for a 40 year old man to look in his late 20s would be a bit embarrassing.

It seems though that women are indoctrinated into this "you must not age" from a young age. Just recently a poster's 16 year old daughter had asked for a subscription treatment that is usually only available on prescription for acne. It's really sad. So why do we still buy into this idea that our main worth as women is our youth and beauty?

Dontforgetyoyrbrolly “ but is there one person on here that would not want to look 20 years younger. ”

I wouldn’t. It was quite a lot of hassle, sorry to say. Dealing with men in a work context, and tradesmen, is much easier now.

@TinselToedElf

I have no problem looking my age and find anyone who thinks they are defying the ageing process to be pretty tedious.

So you're happy to call other women, who may have issues getting to grips with ageing, tedious? Nice!

You see I find talk of "getting to grips with ageing" problematic. Isn't it better than the alternative?

It might be nature's way but it's the patriarchy which tells us we are useless after a certain age.

I find anyone one tedious who is obsessed with self image whether they be male or female. You don’t get special treatment just because we share sex chromosomes.

@Proudboomer

I am a couple of years younger but I have embraced my grey and the only thing I put on my face is a bit of vitamin e cream. I have no problem looking my age and find anyone who thinks they are defying the ageing process to be pretty tedious.

I find it weird to be so accepting of visible signs of your own mortality to be honest.

Since I'm firmly of the opinion that we only have one life, I find it a bit shit that my body decides to mark the years passing like a bloody calendar, reminding me of the inevitability of my physical decline towards death.

That's nothing to do with my fertility or sexual viability.

Ageism is rife in our society. I’ve heard a lot of people (both sexes) complain that it’s difficult to get a job once you are on the wrong side of 40. So I can definitely understand it from that perspective.

I'm with you OP. I'm 51 and have grown out my grey. I don't bother with lotions and potions and would never have botox and the like. I do wear some make up when out but that's more because I have a skin condition and the colour on my face is patchy so I prefer to even it out. I noticed I became "invisible" around the age of 45. I mourned for a short while, then thought "great!". It feels a little like being a child again, in that that was the last big period in my life that I remember not being judged on how I looked. As I type that, I realise that actually is quite sad and says a lot about our society.

One big advantage I have found is that when I have heavy deliveries (I live upstairs in a converted victorian) the delivery guys always carry the stuff up for me! Which they wouldn't do when I was young I'm taking the perks where I can!

Counsellor I don't see my issues as problematic, I'm just taking longer than others might. The fact I have virtually no grey hair yet doesn't help the process.

@NomadNoMore I'm in NYC and it's sort of similar - lots of focus on looking good for your age rather than looking "young". The goal is to look amazing while looking like you've done NOTHING. And then claiming it's down to Yoga and good genes as opposed to an expensive Park Avenue dermatologist.

You don't want to look 20, you want to look really good for 40.

You make it seem like being paid a compliment is wrong. “Oh you look younger than your actual age” isn’t nasty, if we are all being honest, we all like to receive a genuine compliment.

I agree about ageism and I think ageing is something that many women struggle with at times in their lives.

I also think that when we say 'I do this (patriarchal expectation such as shaving/painting nails/dyeing hair) for me' we are doing it because we've been indoctrinated by patriarchal societal expectations.

I put 'we' in the above paragraph because I'm not pretending to be a paragon of virtue myself, I have a good skin are routine and I dye my hair because I want to look good. However I am aware that I want to look good because it's expected, i don't enjoy the effort,I have to work hard at the little bit I do and it definitely goes against my default setting of being rather scruffy.

I truly admire women who do absolutely nothing regarding their looks. However, they usually have something striking about them. Whether it's amazing hair, or an amazing way of speaking, or great posture or it might just be confidence. I don't really have any of those things so I work on things that are slightly easier to change.

I should also point out that I am rather proud of my 45 years and I aim for looking a well preserved 45 year old than anything younger. The reason I asked a PP about looking younger is because I love the wisdom that age brings and I'm happy to be seen with this. I don't understand why someone older would want to look 30, as when you get to 40, you realise 30 year olds don't know nearly as much as you!!