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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To do what’s best for you or baby?

20 replies

mom2babygirl · 10/12/2020 13:35

Hello everyone!

We have decided that we are going to my FIL for Xmas on the 25th afternoon and staying until 27th. We said that we would leave after my 9 months old baby’s second nap (around 13:00 until 14:30/15:00) and which I think is the most important because is the longest and last nap before bed time (around 18:30)
Now my hubbs is questioning whether we should leave the house before the second nap! To get to his father earlier as it takes 2 hours to get there, he says that by the time we get to his dad our baby will have to get ready for bed.
Now the thing she does not sleep on the car!! is like she hates the car and she gets hysterical crying even chocking! 😰 so tbh I’m dreading the driving there and back.
His thought is that we get there early so his family can spend time with her and my thought and aim is for her to have her nap so she’s not overtired. Also his family is kind of new for her so it will be too much for her and might overstimulated her??
I would love to know your opinions and advises please!!??
Thanks so much in Advance!
3R

OP posts:
ChocBeforeCock · 10/12/2020 13:39

Personally I’m with you - it’s stressful enough taking a baby to a new environment without them being sleep deprived! She will also be doubly cranky in the car if she’s tired. So unless going before the afternoon nap is an option, I’d go after. Yes it will affect the time she is awake with his family on Christmas Day but they’ll have all of Boxing Day and they won’t get to enjoy her if she’s overtired.

DuggeeBear · 10/12/2020 13:42

Can you go after the first nap?

Kippure · 10/12/2020 13:45

I would do whatever is easiest for you. If the baby screams like a banshee throughout car journeys, I certainly wouldn't inflict that on myself so someone could encounter my baby.

MummaBear4321 · 10/12/2020 13:49

Having been in a similar situation many times with my inlaws living over an hour away, I say go with your plan of going after her nap. You 100% do not want her meeting people who are basically strangers when she is overtired and has been screaming for hours. They have this idea that they will get to hold and cuddle her when she arrives. Good luck with that when she is throwing a fit at them. It wont be the picture perfect moment they imagine and you will just be a ball of stress.

Mousehole10 · 10/12/2020 13:59

I hate it when people let map times take over their lives. What does you FIL want? It’s his house! I would go in the morning then they actually have time with your baby on Christmas Day. Doing a two hour journey at 3pm is a bit pointless as you’ll have missed the entire day. I I invited someone round for Christmas is expect them there by lunchtime.

OhToBeASeahorse · 10/12/2020 14:02

You have to do what sits right with you it too me a long time to be comfortable with this.

My life is governed by naps. I dont mind that, its not forever and it means the children are happy. I'd go after the nap. It's a bugger he doesn't nap in the car but you get the baby you get.

Ohalrightthen · 10/12/2020 14:06

Oh god just let go a bit! Being a slave to naptime is such an error.

Pipandmum · 10/12/2020 14:07

If there's a reason why you can't go in the morning before the nap then go after. The family can have more time with a rested baby on the 26th.

MumChats · 10/12/2020 14:09

Are you not getting there then until around 5pm on Christmas day? I think that seems late, and sad for your FIL who effectively will spend the day alone even though he invited you to spend it with him.

Can you either

Go 24th-26th rather than 25th-27th, so you travel at thr time you want and then have all Xmas day together
Go during her first nap?

I get she'll be grouchy etc if you do it your DH's way but I also think its unreasonable to plan Christmas entirely around her sleep.

helloxhristmas · 10/12/2020 14:10

So what you need to do and be prepared for them not to sleep anyway in a strange place.

I was a nap slave, had to be with DTs, just tell them you're doing what works for you.

UnbeatenMum · 10/12/2020 14:15

It's quite late to be arriving at 5pm, can you go in the morning? One of you could sit in the back with her and see if that helps. Bring toys/ bottle/ dummy/ snacks etc.

Chamomileteaplease · 10/12/2020 14:26

All those who refer to nap slaves - surely it's just common sense - a baby who has slept is a happy baby. A tired baby is grouchy plus it's cruel.

OP - also not sure why everyone has their knickers in a twist about you getting there late afternoon - you are there for two nights. The 26th will be a proper day for FIL. It's fine.

to get back to your question - if you do what your dh suggests then you get there just in time for the baby's second nap surely? And would she nap in a strange house? And wouldn't the FIL etc be upset if you whisk her off for a nap which she probably won't have after 2 hours grouchy in the car?

I think you are right. Get there for 5pm. You have 1.5 hours before bed. She could be fed whilst you all chat to the family together, not too much in your face stuff from the family she doesnt'know well.

Then you escape upstairs to put her to bed and have a fresh day the next day.

Best of luck!

Original poster
mom2babygirl · 10/12/2020 14:33

Thank you everyone! I take in every comment! My FIL has her daughter and family with him so he won't be alone Smile this year we have compromised that we will spend Xmas day at home as a new family and go for dinner with his family. (We spend Xmas every year with his family)
I wanted to go after her second nap because I don't really want to rush after her first nap being our first Xmas as parents. My thought was that at least she is rested and won't have a bad night.
If we leave after the first nap means leaving the house at 10am which means I won't enjoy my first Xmas as a mum with my baby and hubby.

OP posts:
Mousehole10 · 10/12/2020 14:38

If that’s the arrangement, that you have Xmas day at home and go to FIL for dinner then your plan sounds sensible. Getting there around 5 is pretty reasonable for dinner.

Original poster
mom2babygirl · 10/12/2020 14:44

@Chamomileteaplease

All those who refer to nap slaves - surely it's just common sense - a baby who has slept is a happy baby. A tired baby is grouchy plus it's cruel.

OP - also not sure why everyone has their knickers in a twist about you getting there late afternoon - you are there for two nights. The 26th will be a proper day for FIL. It's fine.

to get back to your question - if you do what your dh suggests then you get there just in time for the baby's second nap surely? And would she nap in a strange house? And wouldn't the FIL etc be upset if you whisk her off for a nap which she probably won't have after 2 hours grouchy in the car?

I think you are right. Get there for 5pm. You have 1.5 hours before bed. She could be fed whilst you all chat to the family together, not too much in your face stuff from the family she doesnt'know well.

Then you escape upstairs to put her to bed and have a fresh day the next day.

Best of luck!

Thank you! I guess as a first time mum all I want to do is put my baby first and I know her not having her naps affect the way she is and sleep at night.
OP posts:
OhToBeASeahorse · 10/12/2020 14:47

Honestly OP there is so much judgement for this and I really dont know why. I like having a routine, my babies like having one. Yes it's a pain in the arse to have to think about it all the time and of course there will be times where it gets buggered up but in always just felt it was doing right by my babies to give them sleep.

Hope you have a lovely Christmas x

steppemum · 10/12/2020 14:51

to be honest I think the nap is the leats of your issues.

Have you done a long car journey with her?

If she is going to scream for 2 hours, she is going to be a complete wreck, as are you.

Sounds distressing all round.

MummaBear4321 · 10/12/2020 15:30

I hate when people say 'dont be a nap slave'. Its such a judgemental 'oh look how modern and brilliant I am. My baby just fits easily into my life' way of looking at things.

Yes. I was a nap slave. Who wants to deal with a screaming child while doing whatever it is you insisted on dragging your sleep deprived child to, just to not be a 'nap slave'? I will be a nap slave and have a quiet rather than a screaming child, not to mention I will have my sanity, thanks very much.

BringMeThatHorizon · 10/12/2020 15:38

I was a nap slave - my DS was miserable when tired and just screamed non-stop. Go whenever is easiest for you. If you agreed to spend Christmas Day at yours and then go there for dinner then your timings sound good, and will give you and DH some time to relax as a couple on Christmas Day while the baby is napping and happy at home.

How old is baby? We were lucky that my DS could never stay awake in the car, so we timed everything around that and drove anywhere that was any distance away during nap times, which made things easier.

oldshoeuk · 11/12/2020 01:34

I would say the person who isn't driving gets the final choice, that's the one who has to coax the baby back to rest.

I remember our eldest screaming for a solid 3 hours one journey, now he can handle 10+ hours trapped in a car and be ok, things change.

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