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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To stop exP from seeing his DD for a while

29 replies

Doingitforyou · 10/12/2020 12:47

This might be lengthy so thank you if you get to the bottom with out wanting to stab your own eyes out.
But I want to know if this is a reasonable thing to do considering the following.

DD is 8 years old. Myself and my husband have raised her for the past 5 years and she visits her dad on a weekend and he also has her during some of the school holidays as me and DH work full time and EXP doesn’t currently work nor has he for nearing 9 years. EXP has never paid maintenance for DD my self and DH have provided everything for her.
EXP has a long running history with cannabis He puts his addiction above everything in his life including his DD he has with another woman, to whom I have become friends with as my DD and her DD are siblings. During the time he was with the other woman ( they have now since separated) he started selling drugs from the home that he shared with her and his DD and my DD on weekends. I will make this clear now I was not aware of this. She was but turned a blind eye. During lock down he got caught and was arrested with intent to supply turns out he was growing a substantial amount of cannabis. This is where I was made aware of the situation as DD was sent to grandparents during the weekend and social services became involved on their end due to the state of disrepair of the property and the general uncleanliness of it. Again I want to make it known that he lives over an hours drive away from me so I have never seen the property although I had my suspicions it was unkept but not to that point!
Anyway. Things have slowly been unravelling since and it turns out that he is due in court just before Christmas. He hasn’t told me anything about this the other woman did as she thought I ought to know. He has made plans with DD over the Christmas holidays knowing full well he may not be around to fulfil them which will break DD heart. What am I supposed to do. Keep quiet on the unlikely chance that he may get a suspended sentence? He won’t tell DD. got his head buried in the sand and hasn’t even consulted a solicitor about this. EXP consistently lets DD down. Asks her to keep secrets from me. To which I have always said to DD to never keep a secret from me especially if someone tells you too ( for obvious reasons).
Me and DH had a discussion with EXP and said it was about time he started to provide things for his DD and asked him if he could get DD an item of clothing she wanted to wear for a dress up day at school to which he agreed. I gave him a months notice of this. He let her down stating he was skint Turns out he’d spent all his money on weed. So me and DH purchased her this item of clothing. Turns out she doesn’t like it. Again fine.
EXP Then tells her, ok fine I’ll order you it online but don’t tell your mum! Obviously because he had no intention of getting her it and knew I’d kick off.
Which leads me on to today when I speak to other woman about it and I say “ oh EXP didn’t get DD her item like she asked for so looks like she will be wearing the one she doesn’t like” other woman then asks EXP why he hasnt got it for DD and that he needed to tell me.
To which he said “ well I told DD not to tell her mum so it serves her right. I’m glad I didn’t get her it. You live and you learn” what the fuck! She’s 8 years old!!!!
This is just a small example of what the past 7 years has been like trying to deal with this colossal dick wipe. DD still thinks the sun shines out his rear end as we have tried to protect her as much as possible regarding his behaviour so we pick up the slack. But I’m really edging towards stopping contact until he sorts his life out! The chances of him going to prison his highly likely due to his previous record also.

AIBU?

OP posts:

SpudsandGravy · 10/12/2020 12:53

Yes, I think you'd be unreasonable to stop contact. You've said your DD loves him, and she's used to seeing him, so as long as she's safe with him then I think contact should continue, no matter how much of a waster you know him to be.

Original poster

Doingitforyou · 10/12/2020 12:57

@SpudsandGravy that’s what’s stopping me there’s no denying her love for him. But he’s willing to break her heart over Christmas. But drugs before providing for her. Put her in a situation where there is a large amount of cannabis in the home. I don’t know what’s for the best. How can I let this continue. I was always of the stance she will make up her own mind about him when she’s old enough. I’ve protected her from everything he’s ever done or said so she actually has a very skewed picture of what’s really going on.

OP posts:

TeddyBeans · 10/12/2020 12:57

I wouldn't let my DC keep being let down by a father that has no time for them. Your DD deserves better than that. Have you spoken to her about how she feels when she's with her dad? She might be putting on a happy face so she's not letting you down

Original poster

Doingitforyou · 10/12/2020 13:02

@TeddyBeans we have and will always tell her she is welcome home at any time. She has never be forced by us to go to her dads. She genuinely enjoys going. Mainly because there’s no boundaries. She can eat what she wants. Sleep when she wants. I’d be shocked if she returned home on a Sunday and she’d has a shower. There’s a long running joke that we have to pressure wash her on arrival home.

OP posts:

pepsicolagirl · 10/12/2020 13:03

I don't think it's as simple as considering only whether your DD loves her dad. Of course she does. She's 8.

You need to approach this from a safeguarding perspective I think. Have you spoke to social services about it all? I would be very unhappy with the chance that he is either dealing drugs still or at least keeping company with other users and I believe you have a responsibility to shield your child from such behaviours

Plus he sounds like an absolute tool

TeddyBeans · 10/12/2020 13:04

Yeah the lack of boundaries doesn't surprise me. That's not going to do your DD any favours. Tbh in your shoes I would stop contact at least until you know what's going on with the court case

Original poster

Doingitforyou · 10/12/2020 13:07

@pepsicolagirl
I have not spoken to social services no. They were contacted by the police because of the state of the home when they raided the property. They were given my details and schools details but they have not contacted me.
I don’t know if he is still dealing drugs. He is definitely still smoking weed though. I didn’t want it to come to this. I didn’t want him to tell her “ your mum stopped me from seeing you” I wanted her to come to her own conclusions but I realise I’ve covered for him for so long she won’t.

OP posts:

RatherBeRiding · 10/12/2020 13:10

Totally agree with pepsigirl I'm afraid.

You need to consider her welfare over and above her loving her DF. He obviously doesn't - no boundaries, eats junk, more than likely around other drug users.

Plus - there comes a time when you need to allow her to know the truth about her DF - in a child appropriate way of course. She'll find out eventually. Better coming from you but obviously don't just come out and tell an 8 year old her father is a drug dealer facing a prison sentence, but gently introduce the fact that he hasn't always made wise choices.

notdaddycool · 10/12/2020 13:11

I imagine if you stop her seeing him you will be the one she feels badly about later. I may well try and stop her from staying over, but not stop all visitation without a court order or similar.

Sparkletastic · 10/12/2020 13:13

Supervised contact only?

wimhoffbreather · 10/12/2020 13:18

Yeah I echo the posters who say to call SS for advice. You sound really lovely and measured and like you just want to do right by your girl - but now that there’s the potential of jail, and tbh safeguarding issues re: the weed, you can’t do this all on your own. I’d seek external advice. Good luck with it all!

BrumBoo · 10/12/2020 13:19

@Doingitforyou

Of course an 8 year old loves their parent. But when the parent is unstable, a lot of it love comes from fear as well. A fear that if they don't love their parent, no one will. It's similar to an abusive situation, where you're allowing an unsupervised situation with a toxic person, and that toxicity will rub off on her. The longer it goes on, the more she will feel the need to protect and defend him. You need to start setting boundaries for her sake, because the way this is going she'll eventually quite possibly replace her dad with a boyfriend of the same ilk. When SS/police got involved, that should have been a clear sign for you to stop contact.

Did SS or any other service have advice for you on how to explain the situation in an age-appropriate way? Would the NSPCC possibly be a consideration to call?

Alexandernevermind · 10/12/2020 13:19

I would go supervised contact and no overnights. It isn't about stopping him seeing her, it's about stopping your DD being exposed to his chaotic and dangerous home and lifestyle.

blackcat86 · 10/12/2020 13:20

Sorry but now you have that info you have a responsibility as a parent to take it on board and not willing send her off to a house in such disrepair if warrants an ss referral, where they have been growing cannabis and with a drug dealer. You need to speak to ss and do not send her back to his home. Perhaps GPs can help facilitate some contact but you would be complicate in potential child abuse by neglect as an act of omission for failing to protect your child. What if she consumed drugs she finds? What is someone your ex has pissed off comes to the house looking for a fight? If ss are already involved you risk them turning up at your door next unless you put her safety first. Her relationship with her df can be facilitated in other ways.

Mammma91 · 10/12/2020 13:26

The weed, the being caught and not telling you, he is in a big mess. I’d never tell you what to do, but personally I’d keep my DD away from him.

He sounds manipulative, dangerous and down right nasty.

Explain to DD that she may see him in the new year but right now she has to stay at home, but don’t let off why (better to protect her). Even a white lie that it is due to the virus. Social services may also agree with you that you want to protect her. If he’s selling, who knows what kind of people will show up at his door?

FlaviaAlbiaWantsLangClegBack · 10/12/2020 13:26

YANBU but I don't think you're doing her any favours in the long run if you cover for him and seem to accept how he treats her as normal or ok.

Maybe now's the time to start to make her aware in an age appropriate way?

Original poster

Doingitforyou · 10/12/2020 13:27

@blackcat86
I had never thought about it in that way. SS have not contacted myself throughout any of this. This is my first time ever dealing with SS so I’m a bit naive in how to go about it if I’m completely honest. She is and always will be my first priority in everything I do.

OP posts:

DeciduousPerennial · 10/12/2020 13:32

I don’t see how in any conscience anyone could consider her safe in his care in that environment.

purplechairandcat · 10/12/2020 13:32

I think you need to reach out to SS and ask their advice to be honest. If they're involved but haven't contacted you, that is very odd. So I would be on the phone to them asking them what level of contact should happen at the moment.

KatieB55 · 10/12/2020 13:33

I wouldn't let her go until you have taken advice from social services or the school safeguarding officer.

letsnotscaretheneighbours · 10/12/2020 13:37

@Doingitforyou I've been in your shoes. Definitely contact social services in his area. You need to find out their point of view before you make a unilateral decision to stop contact. It is shit but honestly best thing to do.

Whatisthisfuckery · 10/12/2020 13:37

I haven’t managed to follow most of that OP, but, your XP has been growing and selling drugs in the house your DD was staying in, and he takes drugs in her presence. I would suggest that in order to safeguard your DD you keep her away. If the father wants access he knows where the family courts are. My guess is that he won’t bother though, because I know what stoners are like.

Original poster

Doingitforyou · 10/12/2020 13:38

@DeciduousPerennial i understand where you are coming from and most of this is of my own
Doing by trying to protect her from his behaviour but as you can appreciate a lot of this is fairly new news to me also, And slowly but surely it’s all beginning to turn into a big old nightmare and it seems like contacting SS may well be the best way forward. I just am at a loss what to do. Do I break her heart and stop her from going and be the bad guy ( because she can’t see he is). Or do I just let him swan off to prison and let him tell her via phone call. Do I stop her going tomorrow knowing this may be the last opportunity to see him as he might be in prison. I have a thousand different scenarios running through my head and all of them will cause her upset that I’ve protected her from her whole life.

OP posts:

Gretnacastle · 10/12/2020 13:41

Ss deal with cases like this,( and far worse) everyday.

If they advise you to stop contact (without you pushing for them to recommend it) then fair enough.

If they don’t see sufficient concern to do so (given you admit you haven’t been to the house) then you let your daughter maintain the fun and loving relationship with her Dad and encourage it as much as you can.

Shelby2010 · 10/12/2020 13:43

I don’t think you should be covering up for him all the time. She must have some sense of his unreliability, but you being complicit in the lie that he’s a ‘good dad’ will cause her confusion.

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