Friendship issue at school

[lollipoprainbow]

My 8 year old daughter changed schools in March and was befriended by another girl who I have serious doubts and worries about. She is very bossy and controlling and because my daughter is very shy and finds it hard to make friends they end up playing together. On the very rare occasion my dd attempts to make any other friends this girl will come and tell her not to and cry so my daughter then feels guilty. My dd is very young for her age and this other girl is 6 months older ('my dd is a summer born). I have let them FaceTime a few times but it always ends i tears with this other girl saying vile things. The teachers at school seem to encourage the friendship and can't see anything wrong ! Despite me telling them the problems. Where do I go from
Here? I can't move schools again !!

Give your daughter some coping phrases. Keep reminding her what they are so she can draw upon them when needed.
Ask her how she feels about situations and then condense it into a short phrase.

You need to teach your daughter to stand up for herself, otherwise this is a problem that is just going to keep on happening into adulthood.

If the teachers aren't helping could you go to the head?

@CrotchBurn easier said then done though isn't it ??

Well I guess so but I guess you're going to have to. What's the alternative, keep moving schools? That would be insane! Theres got to be blogs or threads on here about how to build up kids'confidence and stuff. You cant keep intervening either as otherwise shes going to be laid open to being walked all over later in life too.

I agree with @CrotchBurn. There are lots of things online about building children's confidence up but your daughter needs to be the one to end the friendship. By going to the teachers etc, she's learning that you'll always fight her battles (so to speak) when in reality, thats what she needs to be doing.

Why did she change schools in March?

You should be getting more support from the school than you are getting but at the end of the day they are not there to micro manage children's friendships but to support them in developing good friendship skills. So this has to move forward by your dd being supported to advocate for herself, both by you and the school.

What “vile things”

@KatieGGGG the school was way too big for her and a long way from home so the school run was awful ! I applied to this school which is usually oversubscribed and they happened to have a place for her.

@Hellotheresweet "I'm going to kill your family" amongst other things and lots of the f word too! Her behaviour is rubbing on my dd now and she is copying her horrible behaviors.

We have had a similar issue in the past. We did go to the school who were only a little bit helpful. You could specifically ask if the two girls are not put in to pairs for activities. As I expect they are paired up all the time and your daughter feels she has to. This may help a little in class.

I also had to reiterate frequently to my child that it was his choice who he plays with and nobody else. And that it’s fine to say sorry I want to do this today and don’t want to play the game you are doing. Or even just run away and do her own thing without explanation. Kids do that all the time.

I know it’s difficult at the moment with Covid but normally I would say invite other children to play to expand on friendships.

Often I think if a new child becomes friends with another child who has struggled in the past with friendships. The school think they have solved two problems and found a friendship for someone who was previously struggling. So that may possibly be what is happening

@Ninbuscl so true all that you are saying ! I can't help feeling that this girl was a bit of a problem and the school thought 'oh good a new girl we can palm her off" !! No other children seem to be that keen on this child so they avoid my daughter too. Once COVID has eased we can invite a couple of girls for a play date and maybe this will help.

@lollipoprainbow one big favour you could do your dd is to make it clear to her that she, and only she, is responsible for her own behaviour. The world is full of bad behaviour to copy, but she doesnt have to choose it. Dont fall into the trap of blaming others for her poor choices (understandable as they are).

There is no harm in you discouraging the friendship though. No more zoom calls. You could also encourage other friendships by arranging to meet ups with other children your dd likes out of school.

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[quote lollipoprainbow]@Hellotheresweet "I'm going to kill your family" amongst other things and lots of the f word too! Her behaviour is rubbing on my dd now and she is copying her horrible behaviors. [/quote]
Excuse me? She threatened to kill you daughter and you didn’t contact the school within nano seconds and no more calls?

@Hellotheresweet I don't think she meant it ! Vile as it is I did show the school a message she had previously sent along the same lines and they didn't seem that bothered. I've blocked her now anyway.

I hope it improves for you. I do find as the children get older they do settle into friendships more suitable. When they are very young and more easily manipulated by others it is hard as they just don’t know yet how to deal with things.

Also agree that trying to impress on her that she is responsible for her own behaviour is a good idea.

[quote lollipoprainbow]@Hellotheresweet I don't think she meant it ! Vile as it is I did show the school a message she had previously sent along the same lines and they didn't seem that bothered. I've blocked her now anyway. [/quote]
Op I didn’t think an 8 year old girl meant her threat to kill your daughter and her family FGS

But another could threaten to kill my daughter - I would contact the school immediately

[quote lollipoprainbow]@Hellotheresweet I don't think she meant it ! Vile as it is I did show the school a message she had previously sent along the same lines and they didn't seem that bothered. I've blocked her now anyway. [/quote]
So she sent a message to this effect and you then allowed a call take please

You are allowing this girl to frighten your daughter but allowing access.