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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

H child access

19 replies

Rollercoasteride · 09/12/2020 20:24

I would like to know am I being reasonable or not.

H left nearly 3 weeks ago (he had an emotional affair). I have always said he can see DS 10 when ever he likes.

Having DS is tricky for H because he is living with his friend and his wife. His friend has said DS is welcome to go round there but his friend doesn't want DS to stay overnight (valid reason).
So far in 3 weeks DS has been once to H friends house. H wants to see DS here in the family home (he was here all bloody weekend)..but when DS is here he just plays on his xbox or wants to go out and see his friends, so no quality time really.
Things with me and H are at an all time low, I feel I can't move on because he is always here.
Am I unreasonable for asking him not to come and visit DS here or atleast reduce coming into the house?
Anyone got any other ideas?

Many thanks

OP posts:

RosieGirl27 · 09/12/2020 21:02

Can’t he take him out for dinner or what not a few times a week? If he’s still paying bills at the family home and can’t afford to I would be inclined to let him and go out myself/ stay in the bedroom watching tv or what not just to ensure DS gets quality time with his dad. I understand he’s been an awful husband and you don’t want to be anywhere near him at the moment but if he’s a good dad to your son I would say facilitate this for the short term for the sake of your son.

Original poster

Rollercoasteride · 09/12/2020 21:52

@RosieGirl27 yes he can afford to take him out for tea, atleast one night a week.

Its the length of time he is here bothers me, all day Saturday, all day Sunday (even when DS was out)..after school yesterday from 3pm until 8.30pm..I try and keep out of the way but it is too much

OP posts:

RosieGirl27 · 09/12/2020 21:58

@Rollercoasteride no that is far too much especially if your sons not even home. Set some strong boundaries with him. Dinner once/ twice a week and maybe come over half a day at the weekend until he gets himself sorted with his own place. He chose to have an affair at the end of the day, he has to live with the consequences. Time heals, it will get better for you.

blubberball · 09/12/2020 21:59

No, he needs to take his son out and spend the day with him. I understand that it's tricky at the moment with covid, but plenty of ways to work around the restrictions.

RandomMess · 09/12/2020 22:10

Tell him he needs to make alternate arrangements that you are separated and he isn't welcome because you need SPACE

billy1966 · 09/12/2020 22:14

He's using a visit to hang out in your space.

Put your foot down.

He needs to take his son out for tea.

midnightstar66 · 09/12/2020 22:16

Oh god no, set your boundaries now op, it will only get harder/worse as time goes on. This is your home now and not his.

millymollymoomoo · 09/12/2020 22:23

I think you need to consider short and long term
In the immediate short term I really do think you need to accommodate him
In the family home - doesn’t mean he can come and go as he likes but set days and times as you are in the fmh and he is not and clearly doesn’t have suitable alternative
Longer term you’ll need to consider housing needs and what his access arrangements and co-parenting will look like which clearly will include your ex having DS in his own home

Original poster

Rollercoasteride · 10/12/2020 08:09

Thanks for all your comments.
He keeps on banging on about DS is more comfortable being at home...but he can't have him here forever.
Hopefully he will get a place by spring, we have a rental property which is cheap to run, so hopefully he can move in there. DS has already told him he will only go there at the weekends overnight (because we live next to the school and the new property is 30mins away). He couldn't afford a property around here.

OP posts:

LemonTT · 10/12/2020 08:23

I agree with the poster who said you really need to think about wider implications of the situation. A lot of hot headed people will tell he has no rights because he had an affair. But in terms of his rights that doesn’t matter. Whatever you hope will happen won’t be shared by him. Telling him what he needs to do could back fire.

He owns the house too. He can move back in. He can stop contributing to be able to get his own place right now not in the spring.

Discuss why this bothers you with him and how you can start to move towards have separate homes of your own. Living with friends is not the solution for him. Or for you if he then needs to return home to parent.

But him getting a home of his own will rock your family finances. Something you both have to face up to.

JagerPlease · 10/12/2020 08:31

I can offer the perspective of being the ex who moved out and didn't have a place of my own for several months. I lived out of a suitcase and stayed with friends and in hotels.

I had my DS every other weekend and 1-2 weeknights each week during that time. Obviously I didn't have a pandemic to contend with, so could take him to visit friends or away for mini breaks for a weekend, but I also had some of the contact in my old family home, because at the end of the day it was still my house that I was paying half towards. My ex would go out for the day or stay elsewhere for the weekend.

Could you consider going and staying in a hotel for a weekend sometimes so your ex can have your DS in the house? Or could you form a bubble with someone you can stay with?

Original poster

Rollercoasteride · 10/12/2020 09:28

@LemonTT thanks for your reply. Yes we do need to discuss a way forward. He could actually afford a place right now as he is on a good wage. But we need to wait for our tenant to move.
Like I said previously, its the length of time he is here, even when DS is out, he is here.
Which is no good for anyone. DS can't understand why his dad is here so much if we have spilt up, so thinks we are getting back together.

OP posts:

Original poster

Rollercoasteride · 10/12/2020 09:45

@JagerPlease thanks for your reply.

I can see his side of things. I really can, but when DS thinks we are getting back together because he is here so much is a massive problem.

We have mentioned about staying in a Premier Inn etc as its cheap at the moment. He was going to take DS to stay there, but I am not sure what they would do.
I don't mind staying in a hotel the odd weekend, I hope he can move into our old flat ASAP.

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Elfieishere · 10/12/2020 09:45

If it’s a joint house you live in then you can’t stop him really.

I would just say if your DS isn’t there then he leaves and he takes him out for tea on a week night evening instead of staying at the house.

Lalaloveyou2020 · 10/12/2020 09:57

I do have a bit of sympathy for him as he's gone from having a family home to living on the charity of his friend. He probably feels awkward and can't relax himself in the friend's house which is why he is in yours, but that won't work long term. It's great that you have an end in sight but I would try get out when he's there. Stay in a hotel or with friends and family eow if you can but set the limit with DH that he's only allowed visit when you're not there. It's crap, but he could have stayed if he had wanted to.

RandomMess · 10/12/2020 10:10

I was going to ask if he's using it as a way of worming back in. I see it is confusing for DS so you do need to put your foot down and say for x weeks we need space and distance and make some suggestions.

Block him in time when he can come over and you will go out but yeah if DS isn't there he needs to leave.

Simplyunacceptable · 10/12/2020 10:13

Sounds like he’s trying to worm his way back in. You have separated, he shouldn’t be spending every weekend with you. He needs to find an alternative arrangement and you need to set the boundaries.

LindaEllen · 10/12/2020 10:27

He shouldn't be there when your son is unavailable. He should take him out somewhere, for a walk, for a meal, to see his parents - whatever. But don't have him in your home. Put a stop to that right now. He doesn't need to step over the threshold.

Original poster

Rollercoasteride · 10/12/2020 10:58

I am not sure what he is trying to do...I think he doesn't want to shut the door completely with me and him.
However this is because OW has cut contact with him, I think he is hoping she is secretly leaving her husband so they can be together.
I think he views me as a backup...but its not happening.
He stayed longer at the weekend because he wanted to give his mate space. It was so bizzare watching TV together etc.
I know I can't stop him coming inside here, but need to reduce my contact with him...its just trying to get the balance right so DS can see his dad.
I think I need a weekend in a hotel, sounds like heaven.

OP posts:

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