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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Please help I am going insane

44 replies

BastardCancerBastardCovid · 09/12/2020 19:07

My mum has ovarian cancer, apparently either stage 3 or 4, as it has spread to other organs. I live in the US, she's at home. She wants to see me. I want to go. DP is terrified for me to fly home and take a bus or train to my mum's house because of covid. I have type 1 diabetes. We have been very cautious all year, avoiding public transport and bars etc, only doing food shopping/ pharmacy/ hospital appintments. We are almost arguing. The main issue is, if I test positive when I'm there then where will I go? Who will look after me? So I understand these fears but I have no answers. I can quarantine with a friend on arrival.

I feel like I am going mad. I need to make a decision, one way or another, very soon. How do I choose the right option? What is the best thing to do?

What would you do in this situation?

OP posts:

FiveFootTwoEyesOfBlue · 09/12/2020 20:35

If public transport is the main worry, could you hire a car from the airport or hotel?

(Though I agree the risk is low, especially if you don't travel during rush hour.)

SinkGirl · 09/12/2020 20:35

Hugs to you OP. My mum was diagnosed with stage 4 ovarian cancer, had treatment and went into remission - then they discovered the primary cancer was actually a terminal form of stomach cancer, which is almost always fatal (it’s very rare for them to misdiagnose the primary like that and ovarian cancer is very rarely secondary). With surgery and chemo she lived for 18 months - has it just been the ovarian cancer I am sure she would have been around much longer. I think whether you need to go right now or not depends on her treatment plan, her prognosis, where it has spread to etc. If you want to be with her regardless then of course do that - I’m just pointing out that this may not be swift, when we thought it was just the ovarian cancer which had spread to the pelvic cavity we were told it was not curable but treatment could keep things at bay for a considerable time. I know it’s a really difficult thing to discuss from a distance though.

Original poster

BastardCancerBastardCovid · 09/12/2020 20:35

Yes, good idea to call. I'm not thinking efficiently at the minute.

OP posts:

Original poster

BastardCancerBastardCovid · 09/12/2020 20:41

If public transport is the main worry, could you hire a car from the airport or hotel?

No, this is frustrating me so much. I'm not medically fit to drive at the moment because diabetes has damaged my autonomic nervous system. Neurologist says it may improve in time, which is a bit fucking late for the emergency at hand.

OP posts:

Original poster

BastardCancerBastardCovid · 09/12/2020 20:43

@SinkGirl I'm so sorry about your mum it's really shit.

OP posts:

PimlicoJo · 09/12/2020 20:48

I think it's important you see your mum OP. where are you flying into and where are you going? If I was able to I'd help with driving you to avoid public transport and maybe others might feel the same.

Blondiney · 09/12/2020 20:51

You must go and be with your mum. I say that as someone who is generally considered Covid cautious.

MollysMummy2010 · 09/12/2020 21:14

My to your mum.

Original poster

BastardCancerBastardCovid · 09/12/2020 21:27

Close to panicking.

I have to apply for an emergency travel document, as I am a legal resident but don't have a green card yet.

To get the emergency travel document, apparently I need documentation of the family illness or emergency - I cannot badger my mum for that? I need her to rest and relax as much as that is possible?

i don't even know if she has a letter or somesuch that would be classed as fucking bastarding proof for crying out loud. She doesn't have all the details or a treatment plan yet, she's not had that appointment.

If i leave without it it is classed as abandoning my visa and I won't be allowed return to DP and my home at any point.

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.

OP posts:

Original poster

BastardCancerBastardCovid · 09/12/2020 21:29

My head is so jittery and jumpy I cannot figure out all the fucking bastarding complicated steps to do all I need to do without a fucfking collaossal disaster. Apart from you know, the already fucking existung horrific disaster that is the ovarian cancer.

OP posts:

Dobbyismyfavourite · 09/12/2020 21:32

Can you not get your DM or a relative to either phone her Doctor or Consultant and ask them for a letter giving a prognosis so that you can travel? Good luck OP.

noctu · 09/12/2020 21:51

Big huge hugs. On the T1D thing. UK airports are - now, and on the whole - good with pumps and CGMs/flash glucose monitors. They may ask to see a letter. Husband has flown from/to the UK with Omnipod, Libre, MiaoMiao, Rileylink, plus backup pens in his hand luggage - no problem. It was fine with his old tubed pump too, although they did ask to see a letter/prescription for it when he told them he couldn't go through scanners.

Elisebev · 09/12/2020 22:00

@M0rT

Get some FFP3 masks and go. Hopefully your DM will be starting treatment soon and it will mean a lot to her if she can see you then. I have stage 4 breast cancer and am stable on maintenance treatment and well enough to work. But when I was first diagnosed I was terrified both of the disease and treatment and really needed my family around me.

@M0rT, I’m almost 3 years into treatment for stage 4 breast cancer. I still have days where I’m terrified of what lies ahead.

2bazookas · 09/12/2020 22:25

Ask your mother to contact her GP for a medical letter about her illness. There is a charge for such letters.

If you contacted the GP yourself they would still have to get consent from your mother.

Where in UK is she? some areas have low incidence of covid. Do you know which tier she's in.?

LouiseTrees · 09/12/2020 22:46

@BastardCancerBastardCovid

Close to panicking.

I have to apply for an emergency travel document, as I am a legal resident but don't have a green card yet.

To get the emergency travel document, apparently I need documentation of the family illness or emergency - I cannot badger my mum for that? I need her to rest and relax as much as that is possible?

If i leave without it it is classed as abandoning my visa and I won't be allowed return to DP and my home at any point.

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.

Is mum alone at home or is your dad, a partner or a sibling here in the UK with her?

Original poster

BastardCancerBastardCovid · 09/12/2020 23:04

Her husband is with her, yes. So she is being well looked after.

OP posts:

Cornettoninja · 10/12/2020 09:25

I think it would be fine for your mum to ask for a letter. Failing that go through her husband so he can make sure you can get a copy. Provided your mum doesn’t mind, I don’t think you’d need a special separate letter to the ones she should be getting outlining her diagnosis and treatment. If you do, tackle that if it comes.

I’m presuming it’s the same in all trusts but in mine she should have or be having soon, contact with a cancer nurse specialist who will help her chase any consultant letters etc. alongside walking her through what any plans for treatment etc. are being put in place.

It’s understandable your head is in a spin right now, you’re in shock and under immense stress. When DP was taken suddenly to hospital I couldn’t figure out how to get through a revolving door!

It sounds trite, but I hope you’ve managed to get some sleep since you last posted, it does wonders for helping our brains process events like this and helping you think straight

MatildaTheCat · 10/12/2020 09:50

@BastardCancerBastardCovid

Close to panicking.

I have to apply for an emergency travel document, as I am a legal resident but don't have a green card yet.

To get the emergency travel document, apparently I need documentation of the family illness or emergency - I cannot badger my mum for that? I need her to rest and relax as much as that is possible?

If i leave without it it is classed as abandoning my visa and I won't be allowed return to DP and my home at any point.

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.

Yes you can ask her, just say you need a form of evidence of her illness. Either her husband can find something or ask her to call her surgery and give permission for the doctor to speak to you.

Flying is apparently very safe, just follow all the precautions.

I hope you do come and spend some lovely time with your mum. She will value your visit so much. It certainly doesn’t have to be a goodbye visit.

Original poster

BastardCancerBastardCovid · 10/12/2020 22:07

Well, my friend can't have me to stay now. I get it, her family aren't comfortable with her spending Christmas with her if I've been staying with her.

But....fuck. I will manage but just, fuck.

OP posts:

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