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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To start a relationship with someone else in recovery.

17 replies

recoveringa · 09/12/2020 11:48

I'm a recovering alcoholic having been inpatient earlier this year. I'm healthier than ever, no longing for a drink - and I'm doing really well.

Thing is, when I was in the facility, I met a fellow addict, and we really hit it off. (He's also doing really well in recovery). I've really fallen for him and the feeling is mutual.

However, we're both wary of starting anything given our situation, and having both been badly hurt in the past. It's been 6 months now and we're in daily contact by text (given restrictions) and the feelings have not subsided. We live close to each other, and I think if we were to take the plunge - it could be something really wonderful. He makes me smile, he's kind and we get on very well together... however, am I kidding myself that it could work?

OP posts:

Annasgirl · 09/12/2020 11:57

HI OP, I am not an alcoholic and therefore cannot advise you from my own point of view, however, my DF was an alcoholic and was in recovery for over 35 years. His first 3 years were hell - he really changed as a person over that time and I do not think he would have done well in a new relationship. He also was an AA sponsor for over 30 years and he was always concerned when 2 members became close - he felt it was then more likely that neither would succeed. He advised against it - now he had many female friends in AA and they were lifelong friends, but he cautioned the younger men and women (he was over 60 when he joined) from getting involved romantically as he felt it complicated and impeded their recovery.

Not sure if that helps you? Well done on your recovery.

Original poster

recoveringa · 09/12/2020 12:08

Thanks @Annasgirl

Appreciate the insight. When I was in the rehab, I think they noticed that we'd become close, and the psychologists were very against the idea of two people in recovery getting together. I guess I was hoping there might be a story of people that it worked out for that might give me hope!

I'd say we would have hit it off even if we'd met outside the facility. It's probably him knowing the worst of me - and still liking me is something I haven't had before. When I heard people talk about a 'spark' before, I had no idea what they were on about, and now I've got it, I'd love to embrace it. But of course I know it's probably a terrible idea and I don't think anyone would encourage it!

It's also lovely to hear how well your dad did - definitely gives me hope for a long and sober future :)

OP posts:

Calmandmeasured1 · 09/12/2020 12:19

It could be something wonderful as long as things are going well for you but the minute you go through a hard time it could be an absurd nightmare. Two addictive personalities together is never going to be a good thing.

There is a good reason for the psychologists telling you a relationship between 2 alcoholics is not a good idea. They aren't saying it for the fun if it. It is like 2 depressives living together. It is not a good combination at all.

Sure, you understand what each other feels about alcohol but if something bad happens in your lives you could both be straight back to the bottle. Also, you could just end up in a co-dependent relationship.

Sunshineandflipflops · 09/12/2020 12:25

I can only offer insight from my bf who has been in recovery for 2 years.

He says that he wouldn’t consider a relationship with a fellow alcoholic due to the codependency and the temptation of one person relapses for the other to do the same. He has seen it happen.

We met a few months into his recovery and I know many people wouldn’t have advised it but I could see and hear how much effort he was putting into his recovery with regular AA meetings, work with his sponsor, changing social life, home, etc.

I think he would say that keeping yourself sober is hard enough, let alone thinking about someone else’s sobriety.

helloxhristmas · 09/12/2020 12:29

Isn't it one of the key things they warn against in recovery? I would tread very very very cautiously

RonObvious · 09/12/2020 12:35

I started a relationship with a fellow alcoholic a year into recovery, and it was fine. Ultimately, we didn’t stay together, but are still friends. The general feeling is that it’s best to wait until you have a year’s sobriety, but I’ve never heard about avoiding fellow alcoholics. My ex and I both went to AA together, and both were active with our sponsors, which I think is really important. As long as you both prioritise your sobriety, then I don’t see it as a bad idea. If he isn’t still working on recovery though, definitely don’t stay in touch with him.

Stompythedinosaur · 09/12/2020 12:41

Honestly, I don't think it is a good idea. Maybe stay friends and see how things pan out as yi
Ou get further along the recovery pathway?

Justcallmebebes · 09/12/2020 12:52

This is very, very much discouraged in recovery and a recipe for disaster.
The first year of recovery is very much about you and your recovery and a new relationship is a distraction. Sorry, but it's a big no from me.

Lolastarsandstripes · 09/12/2020 12:54

My parents met during the first year of sobriety for both of them. They married but have since divorced

My mum particularly is very clear that a relationship so early on in recovery is not a good idea. Perhaps stay friends and see how you both feel in a year

bibliomania · 09/12/2020 13:05

I agree that at the absolute minimum you should be a year in recovery before you as much as think about it.

lockupyourcinammon · 09/12/2020 13:10

I’d say it’s more that’s it’s too early for you both rather than that you’re both in recovery

x2boys · 09/12/2020 13:18

I used to work with people who had alcohol and drug addiction issues ,your situation is not uncommon ,but it's still very early in your recovery , ultimately it's your choice ,but people can and do relapse how would either of you cope with that?

Original poster

recoveringa · 09/12/2020 20:56

Thanks a million for the replies. Very much appreciated. Its great to get an insight from people who have experience with partners/parents etc. I know we're both in a vulnerable position at the moment and it's not the best thing for either of us. But I think we both know that, and I'm just happy to have him in my life as a friend for now. I guess we can see in time.

I think part of it is knowing that he knows the worst parts of me and still likes me anyway... no secrets, no hiding - just acceptance and understanding. Every day is a learning curve when you're out... but I know my (and his) recovery comes first so friends for now... and a genuine thanks for all your replies

OP posts:

Isadora2007 · 09/12/2020 21:00

Keep in touch and keep on your recovery journeys and see where it leads a little further down the line?
Happiness isn’t exclusive and while there would be HUGE risks, if you are aware and keep your boundaries firm then I honestly can see it working out for you both. But stay on your own paths recovery-wise.

user1936863452 · 09/12/2020 21:05

I don't think what you're describing is a "spark" of love, rather the intoxicating feeling of being validated and rescued during a very dark time.

I would be very cautious that this connection and these feelings of being accepted, validated and accompanied on your recovery etc haven't been propping you up to the extent that you wobble when you start re-adjusting the relationship to a less intense level and begin facing recovery on your own.

You were both in a vulnerable place. And still are.

Take care of yourself.

Lobsterquadrille2 · 09/12/2020 21:05

Hi OP, well done on your recovery this year. As a sponsor I always say to avoid relationships for the first year of sobriety. Your focus should be on your recovery - you can suddenly have a whole range of emotions to deal with, which have previously been suppressed with alcohol and it can be overwhelming when you actually have to deal with them. Obviously the year is a rough guide, so I'd say it was a bit early for you.

Having said that, I know of many successful relationships forged in the rooms which have stood the rest of time - one couple I know have been married for 20 years and they met in reasonably early sobriety.

I've never had a relationship with a recovering alcoholic - I've been sober many years - partly because of some bad experiences when I first joined AA. They do say "men for men, women for women" for a reason, and thirteen stepping is unfortunately not uncommon.

Tread carefully, take your time, see where it goes.

FOJN · 09/12/2020 21:12

I've been in recovery for quite a few years now and have seen a number of people meet and marry after they got sober. They seem to have happy and successful marriages but they didn't get together in early recovery. Most were sober a few years before they got together. When both parties are new to recovery it usually ends with one or both drinking when it doesn't work out.

You've done really well, don't risk what you've achieved so far. If it's meant to happen it will keep. You've got your life back and the rest of it to learn how to do relationships in a healthy way, enjoy the journey. Good luck.

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