To be torn over second baby

[byefelicia363]

I have a dc9 from a previous relationship. Been with dp 5 years and due to be married next April covid permitting.

I'm mid 30s. He's late 40s so he especially would be an older parent.

I'm happy with our life. We are financially secure. My dc is and always has been a really placid, well behaved child and never causes us any issues. He spends EOW at his dads so we get plenty of free time too.

But I can't shake off the feeling that something is missing in my life. I had dc relatively young and a lot of my peers are only just starting families now. I can't help but feel jealous and broody. I always wanted another baby but I was single for 4 years after splitting with my ex and then dp and I have spent the past few years enjoying life as a new couple.

Would be I mad to consider another baby now that life is so chilled and easy? Dp says he would be happy either way but he does like his holidays and adult time. He's also a bit worried about being the oldest dad at the school gates which I can understand.

I'm on the pill at the moment so it would be a deliberate decision to stop taking it and I just want to feel secure in my choice. My first dc was the unexpected product of failed contraception so I've never had he experience of planning a pregnancy before and it feels quite overwhelming. Has anyone else felt like this?

Dp says he would be happy either way but he does like his holidays and adult time
Don't under estimate this. He might be telling you that he is ok with the principle, not that he is ready to be a FT dad prepared to make sacrifices to dedicate time and energy to a child. Don't become another poster morning that her OH does do little with the baby.

You need to talk more and ascertain that your OH wants it enough himself to give up a big chunk of his freedom for the baby.

This is where it might not work so well, he might like the idea of a baby in the background, not do much having to be up at 5am to entertain it or at 1am to rock it when it cries or at home in the afternoon when his mates are all out doing what they've been doing.

Late 40s for him... I would say that he would have to really want it.

Yes this is a big consideration. I think he just wants me to be happy but obviously this would be a massive and life changing thing for him too. He has a very demanding job and it would be me doing the lions share of childcare anyway but still, I would hate it to cause any resentment between us.

Late 40s - he is in a different phase of his life and it seems like he would be happy to do it for you. Don't underestimate the age thing, if he really wanted a baby he would have brought this up way sooner. A baby would put a halt to your lifestyle in many ways.
I feel for you though because you are still young enough to have another baby.

I wouldn't.It could ruin your relationship if both of you aren't really keen to conceive.

Dp says he would be happy either way but he does like his holidays and adult time

Not exactly a ringing endorsement, is it? I'm sorry, op, but this sounds much more like a 'no' to me.

but obviously this would be a massive and life changing thing for him too

Not if he just leaves it all to you and carries on his life as before. Which sounds like what will happen.

Hmmm I thought as much. It wouldn't feel right to go ahead if we weren't both fully on board with it. It's not something I'm desperate for but now my lovely dc is growing up I do wish I could do the baby stage again, with someone I love.

Sounds like he doesn’t really want one but also doesn’t want to upset you by saying it.

It would be a no for me.

Your life sounds really nice...I wouldn't rock the boat

Tricky one OP, if you’re undecided I’d probably say on balance, better not to do it. Having a baby absolutely blows a hole into a calm, comfortable life and relationship and unless you REALLY want it, it could cause serious resentment.

I’m not one to ask mind you as I had twins when we were going for a second baby and I’ve found it unbelievably hard.

Given your partner is in his late 40's, if he really wanted children he would have made that happen by now, or at the very least this would have been something he discussed with you from the beginning. You would definitely know if he were anxious to have a child. I think he loves his life exactly the way it is.

Don't get me wrong I do enjoy our free time but when my dc is at his dads I just feel empty. Like something is missing. I have a lot more love to give lol.

I try and keep busy and see friends, do my own hobbies and things like that. But I just feel now is the best practical time to have a baby in my life yet I'm with someone who doesn't really want one. He is great with dc by the way but that's a lot different to having your own newborn baby.

From my own experience, it is REALLY hard to go back to the baby period when life has become so easy with an older ds.

My older ds was almost 6 when his younger brother was born. Life was great just the 3 of us, it was manageable, enjoyable, which was helped by ds being past the baby years.

We decided to have another (who is now 18 months) and it has been a massive shock to the system going back to the baby years. I feel like I have aged about 10 years in the last 2 years. He sleeps all night and has since he was 3 months old, I just think being so comfortable before he was born is a factor in why it seems so hard now. My advice would be not to go there unless you are both really committed to the idea.