Parents staying together for the child?

[Lissy23]

Me and my partner (not married) have a 2 year old and are looking at separating, as things just aren’t working out.
I was brought up in a household where my parents stayed together but argued constantly and never really got on.
My mum was a SAHM and I remember her often telling me and my brother that if she had the money she’d run away and take us with her.
My dad ended up having an affair when I was in my late teens, but she forgave him and they’re still together now, but trust issues will always be there.
When I spoke to her about my relationship breaking down recently, she basically made it clear that she thought we should stay together for our DS and that we were selfish for considering otherwise. And that young people are so quick to give up without trying these days etc etc.
I said I felt that two people civilly co parenting, but not together as a couple, was better than two people living together and in a ‘relationship’ but ending up detesting each other and continually arguing in front of the child.
She also said to me I was to expect ‘behavioural problems’ from DS it we separate.

I just want the best for our son.

As someone who is very happily divorced after an abusive relationship and more or less successfully raising a child alone, I can only say I have absolutely no regrets about not staying in my marriage. To have done so would have been toxic for my DD and would have made me miserable.

This has probably inclined me to over-emphasise the benefits of separation, if I'm totally honest. I can think of so many relationships I know where I'm fairly sure the parents would be far happier alone.

I can appreciate that there are a lot of marriages where the participants are not necessarily soulmates, maybe no longer fancy one another but where the marriage ticks over in a perfectly functional way and co-parent well and if the family is stable maybe there is a place for "making it work" and avoiding the upheaval for the children.

The big question is where the line should be drawn and as I have intention of getting married again I hope never to have to discover this.

I do think that in most cases the only real reason for raising children in a family unit is financial and most people, if they are financially stable, would be happier alone than in a marriage.

There are a handful of marriages which genuinely enrich both partners' lives but they seem to be in a minority. Most couples I know eventually seem to grow to resent or at best tolerate one another and live like colleagues or like ships that pass in the night. All things being equal and putting aside finance and childcare (which I know isn't easy) I think the optimal environment for a child is in an affluent single parent household. I don't think marriages make adults particularly happy.

No, your kids will know there are issues, they will sense the tense environment after (what you thought was that quiet argument that really they heard all of ) disagreements.

Don't put that pressure on them, don't make them think that's ok and empower them to know its ok to leave when things can't be fixed.

I think social pressure has swung from staying regardless to leaving when it would be much more beneficial all round if there was more awareness of how to find a decent partner (and avoid the bad ones), what a good relationship looks like and how to nurture one

Yes! Prevention so much better than cure. Wish I had been on MN before I had children to open my eyes to how dysfunctional my relationship was!

My parents divorce is not the thing that damaged me and my siblings in itself. It was the war zone we were put in the middle of. My parents hated each other more than they loved us. I look at people who split up now and manage to co-parent amicably with such admiration.

thelegohooverer

"I think social pressure has swung from staying regardless to leaving when it would be much more beneficial all round if there was more awareness of how to find a decent partner (and avoid the bad ones), what a good relationship looks like and how to nurture one."

I am quite uncomfortable with this narrative: I know this isn't what you meant but that assumes that its always possible to find a decent partner and avoid the bad ones.

Knowing what a good relationship looks like and how to nurture one is one thing. But that's no guarantee. You see comments on threads suggesting women are to blame for failing to find the right man in the right time and failing to avoid the ne'er do wells. This assumes that men come with a badge of quality which you can just scan.

In reality very few people get married assuming the marriage is going to fail. All sorts of things can come between a couple. People who seem ideal in your 20s can be wrong for you by your 40s. People grow apart, fall in love with other people. People develop addictions, stop nurturing their partners. Very little of this is obvious from the outset when you're in the honeymoon period and on best behaviour.

Its not helpful to make people feel that the collapse of their marriage is due to a failure of their own due diligence.

Child is too young to really get behavioural problems, he won't remember being that young when he's older. He might take time to adjust to a new house routine if it's just you but I think your Mum’s comment was wrong. I have two kids and one was 6 and the other a year when ex left. One hates him the other couldn't care less as they don't remember him being in the home day to day. The hating is down to his actions in the years after he left abs could have been avoided if he'd chosen to civilly co parent with me

And I vote separating as two happier parents are far better than a horrid argumentative atmosphere to grow up in

My parents separated when I was 25ish, as a child/ teenager I always knew they were unhappy and not madly in love, mum told me that they had nearly split when my brother and I were young but had decided to stay together for us. We had a nice childhood so I can’t say that they did anything wrong there. However, they are now 60s having waited until my brother and I were settled with own homes/ careers, my dad has been diagnosed with a life limiting, debilitating illness and it breaks my heart that he never had the opportunity to meet someone else whereas my mum possibly still can. You must do what is best for you whilst obviously having your child at the fore front. Imagine looking back at an unhappy life like that

Its not helpful to make people feel that the collapse of their marriage is due to a failure of their own due diligence

But there are also plenty of times when there are clear signs a relationship is bad but the people in it are not picking up on those signs, for whatever reason. I was certainly one of those women and you just need to look at the relationships thread to see that plenty of other women are in the same situation.

There is lots of info on illegally abusive relationships but there are plenty of relationships that destroy you emotionally and psychologically without illegal behaviour. I would like widespread information on what a good relationship consists of and how to spot your relationship ain't.

my dad has been diagnosed with a life limiting, debilitating illness and it breaks my heart that he never had the opportunity to meet someone else whereas my mum possibly still can

You mustn't think like that. Your parents decided what was most important to them in life, and they lived that. All of the choices we make open one door and shut others. They decided what doors they wanted open and which shut.

I think that’s what I struggle with, this idea that meeting someone romantically is the only really truly important thing in life. Perhaps because when I was younger I was very focused on having a boyfriend, whereas now DH is very important to me but that’s in context of the life and child (and hopefully future children) we have.

I would have thought it’s better to split now than in 10 years time, from your child’s point of view.
My parents split when I was 2 and I don’t remember anything about it. It was my norm.
My dad remarried and split with my lovely stepmother when I was 10, and that was really sad and horrible.

I literally shudder at the thought of my childhood if my parents hadn’t divorced!

Also my mother’s second marriage (leading to my relationship with my stepfather) is a good example of why divorce can be good for children. It I’d only had my father as an example growing up, my life would have been v different (read worse)

YANBU

I stayed with my sons father for over 4 years for the sake of the boys, I was very unhappy during this time and I really wish I would have left him sooner.

If you’re not happy please leave, I know what it feels like to stay in a relationship which you don’t want to be in.

I’m now happy 🙂

Your mum is being massively unreasonable and is probably taking that stance because that was her choice (to stay) and she is maybe defensive about it.

My youngest child has SEN anyway but I do think if I had stayed in my miserable relationship with his abusive dad his behaviour would be a lot harder to deal with now. I did myself and my kids a massive favour by leaving. From a child’s point of view I’m glad my parents divorced when I was little. I think either one or both of them would be dead long ago by now.

I thank my lucky stars my parents didn't stay together. And they were relatively amicable, still call each other to say hi now, still did Christmas together til we were in our mid teens.

My friends' parents stayed together for the sake of her and her brother. She's now in therapy working through the guilt and anger of feeling responsible for what is very clearly an unhappy marriage with lots of resentment and where both parties now feel its too late to move on, plus they were evidently unhappy at the time anyway so her childhood was full of tension. Obviously it's not her fault, but it has stuck with her.

I'm not saying all children would grow up feeling like that, but unless you think there's an actual chance it's salvegable within a reasonable time frame or you're an Oscar-winning actor, I think it's preferable to make a good choice for yourself and your child will reap the benefits of happier parents.

@lostintheday

Its not helpful to make people feel that the collapse of their marriage is due to a failure of their own due diligence

But there are also plenty of times when there are clear signs a relationship is bad but the people in it are not picking up on those signs, for whatever reason. I was certainly one of those women and you just need to look at the relationships thread to see that plenty of other women are in the same situation.

There is lots of info on illegally abusive relationships but there are plenty of relationships that destroy you emotionally and psychologically without illegal behaviour. I would like widespread information on what a good relationship consists of and how to spot your relationship ain't.

Well, there are a lot of relationships that people don't expect to fail, but they do expect to CHANGE.

I.e. they know something is wrong with the relationship, but think they can change a 6/10 to an 8 or 9/10, and overlook things that are fairly fundamental.

OP - whatever your opinion, your mum made a decision long ago that she thought was best for you. I'd bear that in mind, and probably avoid discussing it with her since she's likely to take offence at your choice regardless.

I only have ever had my step dad. Him and my mum split up when I was 13 I bloody hated him as a kid but we get on well now. Its shit living in an unhappy house I was so happy when he moved out. My mum was my mum again. She was happy. Was nice. When he was there everyone tried staying out each others way and it was awkward I was always in my room. And he wasn't a monster or anything hes actually nice but it was shit.

I wish my parents hadn't stayed together. They loved each other and were obviously happy with their screaming rows, swearing, disgusting insults and occasional manhandling of each other, but it wasn't much fun for us kids.

They always went on about how great their marriage was and were very sneery about divorced people. I wish I'd worked out earlier how absolutely full of shit they were.