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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not spend more on DN?

22 replies

peculiarbutterfly · 08/12/2020 14:33

Hi, just wondering if this is not ok...

I am the present buyer in our house, DP and I have no children and won't for a good few years at least. DP's sister has a husband and baby who is 15 months.

What is the protocol around presents at xmas? We love DN but we aren't that close to the family and IMO the child has everything she needs. SIL usually buys me a token gift for birthday and christmas (this year it was a cushion for the house which cost £12). The money isn't so much the issue and I am not trying to be tit for tat so please don't think that.

SIL will get DP a bigger present, I assume around £50 in value for Birthday and Christmas, occasionally she makes it a joint present due to the proximity of his birthday and xmas.

I am wondering if I can still think of them as a family unit? So if I spend £70 on presents for that family, it will now be 3 ways instead of 2, or must I increase our budget?

Money is tight but we are not struggling if that makes a difference. Also just so you have the full picture, SIL is financially in a good position, probably the same as us.

OP posts:

123becauseicouldntthinkofone · 08/12/2020 14:39

Once kids were involved we had a rule adults got a token gift (think 10.00 value) and the kids got a gift of around £30.00.

Backtoreality1 · 08/12/2020 14:39

I tend to be more towards moving the budget to the children, with a token present for the grown-ups. At Christmas only though.....they all get a similar amount for Birthdays. Otherwise you end up spending huge amounts on other peoples families and it is never ending.

I think your plan is spot on....the one budget for the family and split it.

Hotpinkparade · 08/12/2020 14:40

I really wouldn't worry about gifts for a baby. I have bought my nephew, who I love very much, a book and a small toy. He is a baby. As he gets bigger and has more personality, interests etc I might spend more. Some families I buy for are more generous to me and my partner in return, and I have taken this to be a reflection that there are fewer of us than of them! But it's not expected.

Apileofballyhoo · 08/12/2020 14:43

I'd split the £70. Roughly, anyway. But your DP should be sorting out the gifts for his family.

Marshmallow91 · 08/12/2020 14:45

I agree with previous posters. Get the adults a tub of quality street and a couple of those touchy feely books for the kid or pop up book.

Original poster

peculiarbutterfly · 08/12/2020 15:48

We are about to become one family as we get married soon. We are also hosting for the first time and don't wish for awkwardness.

I have bought some earrings for SIL, a lambswool scarf for her DH and a jumper for the baby. Total spend is about £80. It just seems a small present for the baby but she has lots of clothes and toys and I don't have kids so don't really know what they like.

OP posts:

BoomBoomsCousin · 08/12/2020 16:43

I think it depends in part on what the potential for children is. If you and DH have a lot of siblings and so could potentially have an awful lot of nieces and nephews, or if BiL and/or SiL have always hinted they’d like a large family you need to be more circumspect in gift giving than if it’s most likely it will just be the one.

In general you spend more on the kids than you do on the parents (most parents much prefer their kids to get money spent on them than themselves) To me, 50 (or 70?) is a lot to spend on an adult sibling’s birthday. I’ve always done tokens with my brother so when he had kids I increased my budget, but for you, if you kept what your giving the adults the same you’d be spending a fortune, and then even more if a second or third child came along. I would stick with your budget and skew it towards the child - but not so much you couldn’t increase the budget if a second child came along (so that further children can, as far as possible, receive the same as the first always got).

An alternative is to give family gifts at Christmas - a zoo/museum membership, board games (when kids are older), a hamper, a well curated photo book, tickets to a show, etc.

BoomBoomsCousin · 08/12/2020 16:46

@peculiarbutterfly

We are about to become one family as we get married soon. We are also hosting for the first time and don't wish for awkwardness.

For the first couple of years token presents for the baby are fine. They have no idea what’s going on! But you might want to set expectations, hinting that they shouldn’t expect such big presents themselves when the child is older.

An alternative, of course, is to have a conversation with BiL/SiL and ask them what they think is sensible given you’ll probably have kids in a few years. See if you can agree on something.

Whattheactual20201 · 08/12/2020 16:46

It depends on finances really I spend 100.00 on my nieces and nephews.
But we are all very close.

TheSandgroper · 08/12/2020 21:38

I’m from the school of thought that a child can’t have too many books and that the books can’t start early enough so that’s what I do.

Pipandmum · 08/12/2020 21:41

I bought for my family, husband for his. Even if he's not buying the actual present what does your husband think? It's different for every family.

FestiveChristmasLights · 08/12/2020 21:44

I’d definitely buy for your niece and if money was an issue, I’d buy her present at the expense of her parents.

Peppafrig · 08/12/2020 21:44

In our family when you have kids they get the presents the adults get token box of biscuits .

stardust40 · 08/12/2020 21:45

We don't buy for adults just for kids but There's a £20 budget. If you want something for the family I would look at days out tickets that they can enjoy together.

Caterinaballerina · 08/12/2020 22:03

What you’ve done is lovely. I’d use this years gift giving to spark a conversation as to what they see as sensible going forward, surely if asked they’d suggest favouring their child. But it would be nice to do it that way and get them to confirm it. I was quite put out that upon the first Christmas with my own DC, my husband and I were no longer to be given gifts by his DS yet for 10 years we’d bought for her, her DH and 2 kids. It does make sense but I had a moment of feeling very invisible.

LouiseTrees · 08/12/2020 22:29

@peculiarbutterfly

We are about to become one family as we get married soon. We are also hosting for the first time and don't wish for awkwardness.

Why don’t as you hand it over say “ I really didn’t know what to get the baby so I hope this is okay”

1Dandelion1 · 08/12/2020 22:59

I get my DNs a silver Britannia coin for Christmas, they cost £20-25 each, I then spend about £10 on things they can enjoy and and I respective family members can dispose off (candy, water bombs, temporary tattoos etc).

One day they can sell their coins and hopefully they will be worth more than I paid for them, and because they are Britannia's they will be capital gains tax free.

liveitwell · 08/12/2020 23:23

I spend £20-£25 max on nieces and nephews as I have 3 on one side, 8 on the other and 2 of my own kids.

£20 is fine on a young child/baby imo. Especially from aunts and uncles.

KarlKennedysDurianFruit · 08/12/2020 23:32

We spend about £50 on each of our nephews, but no longer buy for DB and SIL we did initially, but just token gifts £20 or so, then DB and I bought each other the same gift! We laughed about it and by then we'd had DS so said let's just buy for the DC and get together before Christmas for a nice outing (not this year for obvious reasons). We still buy for our parents and them for us although the grandchildren get a bigger budget!

KarlKennedysDurianFruit · 08/12/2020 23:33

Oh DH is an only child and I only have the one DB who won't be having any more children, so 2 DNs is all we have, budget might be less if we had more to buy for

GlowingOrb · 08/12/2020 23:37

Only spend what you can afford

We spend more on the children or even skip the adults altogether ( by mutual agreement, this is generally when both parties have children)

Bikingbear · 08/12/2020 23:41

OP I think I'd leave it as what you have done this year but in future years I'd spend more on the kid and less on the adults.

Have a think about the future, as you are setting the precedent in the family over the next generation.

Another thing to think about is many families stop buying nieces and nephews at a set point 18th birthday or whatever. So while your buying now and not getting in return, its possible that in 20 years time they'll be buying for your kid after you've stopped buying theirs.

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