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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Ghosted by a friend?

12 replies

Emily15 · 08/12/2020 09:18

We’ve all heard about being ghosted by a man/woman on internet dating, casual relationships etc.. but has anyone ever been ghosted by a friend? How did you deal with it?

I had a friend, we knew each for years- since we were 10. We were “best friends” growing up. As we became adults, sometimes we’d be close, other times not.

Anyway, a couple of years she just stopped replying to my text. Once our sons had stopped going to pre school together. I asked if she fancied going for a walk, no reply. I text again a few weeks later asking how she was. No reply.
About a month later, a mutual friend mentioned that she was going to this friends wedding soon.
I felt upset, and analysed absolutely everything. The last few texts, our last conversations.
I mentioned it to our mutual friend, but she said she didn’t know. I sent a messages to her. It was a nice text, just saying that I hope i didn’t upset her, and that I hope she has a lovely day. It was genuine and I was careful to word it incase she took it as passive aggressive. She read it and didn’t reply.

Last year the mutual friend did mention that the friend did say something but she couldn’t exactly remember. Something about me being “bitchy”.
I don’t feel that I am. I never talked badly of people to this friend, the only people we used to talk badly of were our ex’s!

Every few months or so, I still think about it.
I think it is the lack of closure. That if I have done something wrong to cause offence, I’d like to know.

However, she has done this to someone before. She cut someone off, who she was really close to. When I questioned it, she said it was cos this friend was “toxic” to her. Maybe I was too? Maybe there is something about me that I don’t see?

I understand cutting people off is needed at times, when they harm your well-being. But I don’t agree with just leaving them hanging and wondering what they did wrong.

Any similar stories?

OP posts:
ILoveYoga · 08/12/2020 15:17

I know a lady like this. I really liked her. A few of my friends and I were all friendly with her. She eventually cut us all off. No reason we could figure out. Each of us cut off over time.

FlorenceNightshade · 08/12/2020 15:20

I think in situations like this you have to remember there is your reality and her reality and they may not necessarily be the same. Her recollection of events, what was said and in what tone etc may be different from yours.

She is a bit immature for not just replying with her reasons for going no contact but she may be genuinely hurt by something you’ve said/done.

If you can’t leave it alone then I’d send her a final message expressing how you feel. Leave the ball firmly in her court and then try to move on. And remember that sometimes people are just weird.......

hulahooper2 · 08/12/2020 15:22

Yes I had same experience as you but have never heard a whisper why she did it , some people don’t care how they hurt others

WellyBootsAreYouFrom · 08/12/2020 15:23

I did it to someone. I'm not proud of it, but I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that she knows that her behaviour towards me and my family was awful.

I don't think this sounds like the case here though, if you've really reflected on your past relationship with this friend then I think you have two choices. You are well within your rights to ask her why she's cut you out, alternatively you remove her from your Facebook etc and try to forget about her at the friendship has been ended.

Mylittleturkeysandwich · 08/12/2020 15:25

Kind of, so me and a friend had a disagreement about something she said to me but we spoke and cleared the air. I messaged her again as I was due to return from mat leave and again she assured me that we were good. Then a couple of months ago I realised she wasn't replying to my messages. We're working from home at the moment but she never replied to anything I said or wrote. Then I realised she had blocked me on social media too. Called her out on it last week and basically she's turned the whole thing on me. I'd start a thread but I'm still too upset tbh.

Emily15 · 08/12/2020 15:43

There is one thing that I had thought of, but I can’t see why she would end a 20 year friendship over it.. she sent me and load of other people a jewellery party invite. I couldn’t go to it as it was my sons parents evening.
That’s it. That’s all I can think of.

I don’t think I will ever know really.

Mylittleturkeysandwich- I’m sorry you’re going through that. It is upsetting when someone turns something around on you x

OP posts:
PhatPhanny · 08/12/2020 15:49

Yep, best friends for years, holidays, days out, staying with each other until stupid hours of the morning being silly but also knew we didn't have to live in each others pockets.

Spoke to her one day, then the next messaged and asked her if she wanted to do lunch, while my DC was at nursery, never heard a word since.

I still wonder why, it did hurt like hell, she was like a sister, but learnt not to lose sleep over it, not the type of person I want to be friends with, if you can cut someone off like that.

Emily15 · 08/12/2020 15:51

To be honest I did do it to somebody years ago.. though this was good reason, and I’m pretty sure she knew exactly why.

Long story short- I met my now husband through her group of friends. She was not happy we got together. We had a good chat, and I asked her if she wasn’t happy cos she maybe liked him, as if she did, I would leave well alone. She denied this and said “I would if he was taller!” She also had a boyfriend herself at this point. She was then ok with it for a while. Until I got pregnant. She wasn’t very happy about it. I’m not sure why.
She then went travelling.
When she got back, she met our baby and remarked that the baby didn’t really look like his dad.
Then we got engaged. Her reply to that was “you don’t need to get married to prove your commitment you know!” And just blew up at me. I gave her a chance to explain her behaviour but she wouldn’t. So I cut the contact.

7 years later, and we’ve made contact and met up just before the second lockdown. We didn’t mention what happened, but she seemed a lot happier, and it’s nice to be in her life again, as we’ve known each other for 30 years. I think sometimes, a lack of communication can cause such tension.
Which is why I always tell anybody in my life why they’ve upset me, rather than just leaving them hanging x

OP posts:
lyralalala · 08/12/2020 15:52

@Emily15

There is one thing that I had thought of, but I can’t see why she would end a 20 year friendship over it.. she sent me and load of other people a jewellery party invite. I couldn’t go to it as it was my sons parents evening. That’s it. That’s all I can think of.

I don’t think I will ever know really.

Mylittleturkeysandwich- I’m sorry you’re going through that. It is upsetting when someone turns something around on you x

Was that an MLM jewellery party?

I’ve lost two friends in the last few years and it took me (and others) ages to realise that we’d been binned off for “not supporting their business”.

Emily15 · 08/12/2020 16:03

I’m not sure, I think it was one of those jewellery parties where someone comes in? A bit like those Ann summers parties 🤔

OP posts:
Emily15 · 08/12/2020 16:04

Do those friends still have their businesses that they ended your friendship with you for?

OP posts:
lyralalala · 08/12/2020 16:27

@Emily15

Do those friends still have their businesses that they ended your friendship with you for?
One I don’t know as she cut everyone off, one by one, completely.

The other has been in touch twice. Both times, coincidentally, she had an exciting new business that she was recruiting for...

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