To have access to our household finances?

[fionabeeb]

My Husband and I have a main join account and a secondary account linked to our credit card which is in his name and I am a second card holder. I have the banking app for the main account but not the secondary account. We have disagreed tonight as I asked to be able to view that and he doesn't want me to as he believes I will scrutinise his spending. I have mental health issues and I struggle with unnecessary spending so he does have a point however to remain equal I believe I have a right to see it and him denying me is wrong. Is there a form of manipulation involved here or what should I do? This all came about as he bought an air humidifier which is huge, unsightly, draughty and noisy and I learned tonight cost £200 which I was rather annoyed about and I said I should be involved in a discussion about spending that sort of money and he said he can buy what he wants without my approval.

There's three things here, really:

1. You should absolutely have access to household finances, including being able to see what goes in and out

1. Discretionary spending and what you're both comfortable with as a couple.

1. What your issues with spending are and whether anything needs to change as a result.

A £200 purchase to me would be a lot of money - it's the kind of thing OH and I would discuss first, even just a quick heads up. But for some people, it wouldn't be a big enough dent in their finances to need a discussion. I think setting that kind of boundary with your husband would be good - any purchases under X amount don't need a conversation, but anything over should be at least a brief conversation. You can set the level between you - so your husband doesn't feel you're setting it too low, if you have anxiety about spending and vice versa.

Are you anxious generally and that includes money? Do you have a specific issue with money being spent and why is that - there's a big difference between 'We have a lot of debt' and 'I panic over every £5 purchase for no obvious reason', and addressing the issue there might be useful. If it's connected to childhood money issues, for example, look at therapy. If your household is short on cash and you're in a precarious financial position, then your fears are more founded and he should be appreciating them. If you're 'just' (and I know anxiety is much more complicated than that, trust me!) anxious about lots of things and money is a thing you feel you can control to stem the anxiety, then you need to address that and work with your husband so he doesn't feel scrutinised (if your budget allows for unscrutinised spending, of course!).

So - you might be unreasonable, or not, but it would be worth a frank conversation.

@yelyah22

There's three things here, really:

1. You should absolutely have access to household finances, including being able to see what goes in and out

1. Discretionary spending and what you're both comfortable with as a couple.

1. What your issues with spending are and whether anything needs to change as a result.

A £200 purchase to me would be a lot of money - it's the kind of thing OH and I would discuss first, even just a quick heads up. But for some people, it wouldn't be a big enough dent in their finances to need a discussion. I think setting that kind of boundary with your husband would be good - any purchases under X amount don't need a conversation, but anything over should be at least a brief conversation. You can set the level between you - so your husband doesn't feel you're setting it too low, if you have anxiety about spending and vice versa.

Are you anxious generally and that includes money? Do you have a specific issue with money being spent and why is that - there's a big difference between 'We have a lot of debt' and 'I panic over every £5 purchase for no obvious reason', and addressing the issue there might be useful. If it's connected to childhood money issues, for example, look at therapy. If your household is short on cash and you're in a precarious financial position, then your fears are more founded and he should be appreciating them. If you're 'just' (and I know anxiety is much more complicated than that, trust me!) anxious about lots of things and money is a thing you feel you can control to stem the anxiety, then you need to address that and work with your husband so he doesn't feel scrutinised (if your budget allows for unscrutinised spending, of course!).

So - you might be unreasonable, or not, but it would be worth a frank conversation.

@yelyah22 thank you so much for your insight. I am generally very anxious and money is only one of my difficulties. I've never considered it as something I could control so that is really useful as it's unknown to me why I find it so anxiety provoking other than going back to my childhood when my family didn't have very much money and I was encouraged to save. I would in fact like to be looser with money and allow myself to spend it without guilt. We are financially able to afford to buy things however I feel like you suggest would be a really good idea.

The first part is the big stumbling block as my Husband can't see any reason why I should have access to see it as I will just scrutinize is his perspective. We both work and contribute to the household and in my opinion this should be an equal right.

Do you make a contribution to the household that you are both happy with? If yes then yes, you do deserve to know. Then you deal with your anxiety or scrutinising as a couple.

A shit analogy wpuld be if you never let him look in the cupboards because you cook all the meals so he doesn't need to see whats on there because hell just get funny ideas about what youve bought or want to make for tea.

And your contribution doesn't have to be financial.

By "secondary account" do you just mean the credit card account? If so it's technically not a joint account. Not sure if all banks let additional card holders do all the same stuff online that the main cardholder (the account holder) can do. Technically any outstanding balance is his debt - not a joint debt.

@An0n0n0n

Do you make a contribution to the household that you are both happy with? If yes then yes, you do deserve to know. Then you deal with your anxiety or scrutinising as a couple.

A shit analogy wpuld be if you never let him look in the cupboards because you cook all the meals so he doesn't need to see whats on there because hell just get funny ideas about what youve bought or want to make for tea.

@An0n0n0n yes I contribute to the household substantially.

@bobbiester

By "secondary account" do you just mean the credit card account? If so it's technically not a joint account. Not sure if all banks let additional card holders do all the same stuff online that the main cardholder (the account holder) can do. Technically any outstanding balance is his debt - not a joint debt.

@bobbiester it's a current account linked to the credit card I believe? Think you needed it to have the credit card? The credit card bill and some other bills come off it. We have no debt and money is transferred to this account from the main account every month to pay the credit card bill.

Ok. Yes you could have a joint current account paying the credit card bill. But having access to that you wouldn't see individual credit card transactions. Just the total monthly payment.

If it's joint account you shouldn't need his permission. Bank will just give you internet access to it using your own ID and password.

If it's joint account you shouldn't need his permission. Bank will just give you internet access to it using your own ID and password.

Exactly, although it would be preferable to have him understand that you having access is fair and equitable, especially given your contribution to the account.

If the money is transferred each month to the account to pay the bill then you see how much is on the credit card anyway

If you are the secondary card I assume the a card is actually just in his name and that’s why you can’t see transactions. Why not just ask for a copy of the credit card Bill?

I think you're probably both being a bit unreasonable.

Yes, you should have access to the account if your finances are joint.

But if you routinely get hung up on minor purchases, I can see why your DH is reluctant to have his spending scrutinised.

That said, £200 would piss me off with no consultation.

But - do you need a dehumidifier? Was the purchase actually a useful one, that solves a problem? Did your DH do something that will be of benefit, and just tried to avoid a painful row because he knew you'd say no regardless?

Finances are a tricky beast in any couple situation, but you need some rules and boundaries for both of you, that you can agree on.

Seems weirdly defensive that he wouldn't show you, could the balance on the credit card be higher than you think? You should be able to share finances with the person you're sharing your life with, even if you did scrutinize his purchases you have every right to just like he has every right to be upset and then you both communicate and work through the issue.

Surely cus he's your Husband if he was to pass away this weekend all of it would fall to you and you wouldn't be able to access it.

I just had a quick Google to see if you could just bypass h and call the bank to ask about the current balance and I couldn't find much but I did find out that because you're a secondary card holder that credit card is now part of your credit history so you should have access to viewing the account even if it's once a month.

Call the bank and see if they'll tell you the current credit card balance, then atleast you can work out if it's a reasonable number that you're both paying off (fine let him spend on w.e he's spending on) or if it's a surprisingly large number and then you know why he's was so defensive

Wouldn't it just be easier to have 1 joint as you do and then each your own with certain spending? Whether it's current or credit card?
That's how we did it.
It meant that we know household finances but still have our own independent spending accounts hence no hard feelings over buying x and y.

I can see both your points and I think this could be a good solution for you as a compromise.

We have a joint account that household expenses come out of. Separate from that my money is mine to spend as I please and my husbands is his. I would never dream of asking for access to his bank account.

Does the money transferred into the other account and the credit card balance match each month? If so, then shouldn't be an issue but if not potentially could be. £200 without a heads up would annoy me and I can afford that easily.

Seeing as you admit he may be justified in getting defensive, would a short series of couples counselling focussed on talking about money be a way to agree a ways forward?