Urgency and desperation after Miscarriage

[Merrygirl848]

Hello all...I just joined this group and in need of support. My boyfriend and I have been TTC for 1 year. Found out I was pregnant about a month ago. We were shocked it finally happened. I was overjoyed. (TMI) I started spotting lightly (light brown) and it progressed progressed to pink brown accompanied by cramping. My breast soreness had diminished. We went to ER, and at this point I knew in my heart something wasn’t right. Had a transvaginal ultrasound, and there was a heartbeat. I was right at 6 weeks. I was assured everything looked fine. I couldn’t believe it, and still knew baby wasn’t ok. When I got off of table, there was fresh blood on it. I asked if it was normal, I was told yes. By the next morning my bleeding had progressed to menstrual type bleeding. It looked and felt exactly like a period, (TMI) with the blood coming out as gushes. I knew it was over. Later that evening I went to toilet, and a small tissue like mass fell out of me. It was not accompanied by bleeding. I took it out of toilet and knew what it was. After that my cramps eased up, as well as the bleeding. Went to dr next morning, had another scan. She immediately told me “there is no baby.” What a feeling to know in your heart your worst fear is coming true. And then to have it confirmed.
I was devastated and crying on and off throughout the day. I became angry that night and fought with my boyfriend. I was overwhelmed and hysterical. Over the last few days I have become increasingly depressed and anxious. Feeling very insecure and worthless.
A little backstory, boyfriend and I had been having issues for a few months. I felt like although he had been desperately TTC throughout our relationship, he hadn’t been as interested the last month or so.
Now after the miscarriage I fear he will not want to try anymore. He doesn’t talk about the miscarriage, he says he is grieving differently. He offers no reassurance unless I ask.
Today I told him how I am feeling and he told me “yes we are going to try again.” I asked him if we could immediately and he said “I’m sure we can I don’t see why not.” He seemed a little evasive.
I am having trouble putting one foot in front of the other, and seeing babies with their mothers is terribly painful for me. I am having a feelings of urgency and desperation to get pregnant again.
Should I just relax about asking him to try again? Its all I can think about :(

I'm really sorry to hear about your sad news. My advice would be to take the pressure off yourself to make a decision about anything right now. When I had a miscarriage the doctors recommended I wait at least a month and have a fully normal period before trying again, so maybe give yourself at least that time without any pressure to decide? Be kind to yourself and don't expect yourself to be "over it" or feeling like normal just now x

Thank you so much for your reply. I have never felt so pressured, pressured by myself.

I agree with the previous poster, great advice. Your body needs some time to adjust back to normal, and you mentally need a break from TTC.

So sorry to read this. I understand the sense of urgency- been there myself. Best to give it at least a month - I had the same advice from the hospital as usethedata. Get plenty of rest and look after yourself.

I’m so sorry this has happened to you. The exact same happened to me - a year of trying, fell pregnant, bleeding - saw a heartbeat at 7 weeks then at 8 weeks the baby had gone. It’s heartbreaking to think that it’s there, then it isn’t any more.

You do need some time to deal with what’s happened and let your body get over it which is why they say to wait for a proper period before you start again.

I think you might be reading things into what your DP is saying - he has said he’s willing to try again after all - take it that he means that. But try not to put too much pressure on yourself. I know that’s easy for me to say.

It happened for me in the end, I have 2 lovely kids, and I really hope it will happen for you too

I am so sorry. I completely understand and know how you feel. There is no instant cure unfortunately and the time your body needs to recover is as essential as the time you need mentally.

All I wanted after our loss was to be pregnant again. I saw every specialist I could, looking for a reason. I can’t write down what one said, it hurts so much 15 years on.

BUT you will recover, and your partner too. My husband couldn’t speak about his grief, he was too busy supporting me and it came out some months later. You need to give him time if you can. He has also lost too.

All the very best. Be gentle on yourself.

I had a miscarriage at the same gestation. It's super hard. And I don't think DH really knew what to do. I spent the weekend in bed crying then tried to get back to normality but it was so hard. It's not the same for them, to my husband it was still a potential pregnancy, to me it was a baby trying to grow inside me and I didn't protect it.
We did ttc straight away, and I got pregnant again straight away. But that loss hung over this pregnancy until the 12 week scan. And I had to explain over and over that this pregnancy started with a miscarriage rather than a regular period.

I'm worried that you dont seem happy in your relationship though and I think you should wait until you've began to recover from this loss and are feeling better in your relationship before trying again.

Are you sure your relationship is long term for a baby? It seems to be on rocky ground.

That aside, I hope you are recovering after an awful event.

Thank you for your responses everyone. They help me a lot. I am going to start TTC straight away, I just can’t wait. Trying to be gentle on my myself. Yes relationship is good. Thanks again everyone

All of your feelings are completely normal and understandable. Very common to lose a first pregnancy. It clears out the womb and gets your fertility going.
Take it easy, try not to stress. You'll get there. Babies come when they're ready and not before!

Speaking as someone who had a miscarriage at 11 weeks in January, then got pregnant straight after I would say you do need to give your body a break. I feel like my body really suffered having been pregnant for so long and I was an emotional wreck.
On a separate note it doesn't really sound like you should be having a baby with this guy. You don't sound happy together and he do was by sound particularly committed. You need at least this to have a chance at parenting a child together. I know it's very difficult with hormones raging and that urge to have a baby when you've lost one is so strong but do try and think with your head and not your hormones.

'Doesn't' that should say

It's a very normal way to feel. You and your DP are going to grieve differently, it's so very, very different for men and women. This is all happening in your body, you are so connected to it, whereas for the man it is a totally abstract concept. I would try and wait one cycle so your uterine lining can recover but you do what you need to do.

I’d recommend waiting until you've had at least one period, because it makes it easier to date your next pregnancy.

I lost a pregnancy at 11 weeks but didn’t lose the foetus until two periods later. I got pregnant the first normal period after that.