MIL Ghost

[Phillipa34]

So... I haven’t heard from MIL since 20th Sept. That was when I sent her a picture of DS (in an outfit she’s bought previously for him)

She has always been like this - goes weeks and weeks without checking in.
Is it me or is this very cold behaviour?
She isn’t close with my ex partner, her son. They don’t have contact with each other. Both claim there is no issue but I’ve never wrapped my head around it.
All contact is through me but she is just so irregular.

She only seems to contact around the kids birthdays/if she has family from abroad over/Christmas.

On top of that, we are in a pandemic, She is on the front line of this but doesn’t think to check in ( a text to see if the grandkids are ok)..

My eldest DS has a chronic heart condition. She knows this.
He spent 2 nights last week in a specialised cardio unit (routine appointments needed GA for a procedure)
MIL seems so oblivious.

Anyway, she’s just text me now..ELEVEN weeks after I last sent her a pic..to ask what the kids want for Xmas and can she see them soon.

I want to tell her to f**k off!!

She obviously has no interest in them really so why bother and do fake family for Christmas?

This is the first time I’ve ever thought like this.
I tried to talk very directly to her about communication but she shut me down. Told me there is no problem.
I had resigned myself to thinking we just have different ideas of family etc

Am I being unreasonable??

On top of that, we are in a pandemic, She is on the front line of this

What do you mean she’s on the front line of this?

YABU - her and her son obviously operate very very differently from you. She will never be the kind of Grandmother you want her to be.
I wouldn't make the effort, just respond if she bothers to get in touch, and don't worry your head about it.

Different families operate in very different ways.

Some people would be shocked at the way my DC speak to each other sometimes - not rude just extremely open and dark humour. Some people would be shocked at the Jokes my Uncle and I cracked at my mother's funeral - we just are the kind of people who joke to stop ourselves crying.

She's your exes mum? I wouldn't be holding out for any relationship tbh.

oh, I'd just text back ''whatever you think''

If she's your X's mum, then I'd be relieved she's not bothering you tbh

Not cold necessarily, just different from you (and tbf, most people).

What is she like when she is with them? My grandmother cared but we only saw her every couple of years. The caring was through occasional letters, birthday and Christmas cards (different country, pre internet and shaky phone usage).

Do you ever phone her, or ask her over?

I go months between speaking to my own Dad. All families are different OP.

If she and her son aren't close, there isn't automaticlly going to be a bond with your children.

She remembers them, that's enough for now. Maybe the kids will make their own moves to know her when they are older.

If she's working on as a medic through the pandemic, she's hardly going to choose now to grandparent according to your prescription.

And I'm a little disappointed not to read that you're being haunted.

Yeah I though she was haunting you so am also a bit disappointed....

My parents are the same.... don't take it personally! Just answer her and ask her how she is?

Everyone is different, some people want daily contact, others want very sporadic contact. I'm not sure it's that difficult to wrap your head around..

Reply in 11 weeks...

Tell her to ask her son what the children would like for Christmas and when she can see them

Most posters on here are bemoaning interfering MILs who are a constant presence. Clearly as a MIL you are dammed if you do, etc.

From what you've said she isn't unpleasant, difficult, doesn't overstep boundaries. She's more distant than you would like but clearly that's just her style. I think you just need to adjust your expectations accordingly and be grateful she's not over involved/ toxic.

Just text her back with what the kids would like? She remembers their birthdays and Christmas that’s more than some grandparents. It’s nice she wants to get them a gift. I’m sure you could manage to meet her for an afternoon for the sake of the children, I’m sure they would like to see her and receive a gift. Just do it for the children, yes she sounds a bit of a pain but at least she remember and cares for her grand kids.

I'm proper pissed off this wasn't a story about someone's MIL haunting their house.

Just accept her level of contact. You cant force someone to want to spend more time with you. Send ideas for Christmas and let her know when she can visit.

I also thought you were being haunted and am a little bit disappointed.
I agree with pp that is just the way she is.
I kind of get where you’re coming from though. My mil is similar, although my DP thinks there is a problem with their relationship so it’s not just me.
We haven’t spoken to her for a over a year now, but there is much more going on.
If you text to meet up for a coffee and a catch up with the kids would she respond ?

If she's your ex's mum why are you trying to forge a relationship between her and your children? Isn't that his job? If her son is that useless that she can't even ask him for present idea that's their issue.