Help me with my mother. AIBU to go no contact?

[Jakey056]

OK. Long story.
Very difficult family. My dad passed away 15 years ago. Two siblings not talking to me for past three years. My mother is 83. Difficult but 'sweet' exterior. Silently undermines. Very self centred. Gets very sad about sibling non contact 'If only' etc. Despite the fact that she is allowing it and playing one off the other.
My third sibling is like me - exhausted by the drama.
I do my best to stay non engaged. Minimum contact etc.
I do sometimes feel sorry for her but she really affects my physical health and mental health. I go see her one weekend in four. I will have stress that weekend and the following week I will have headaches etc.

I ended up experiencing sexual abuse outside of the home, alcohol dependency, drug addiction all now thankfully passed and recovered. I have a fairly stable home an marriage (usual ups and downs) but I have for the main part successfully not brought my family of origin stuff to my kids.

Extensive psychotherapy worked well for me.

Just feel I cannot go on with this like this. Its awful but I wish she were dead at times.

Choices are:

Learn to cope better
Disengage
Go no contact
Challenge
Try repair relationship.

What do people do??

Please be kind, I'm a guy but I get very very traumatised by this.
Christmas is very difficult.

Thank you.

@Cheesypea

Ive read alot of therapy books. I always go back to the drama of being a child by Alice Miller. It's only about 200 pages. I'd recommend it to anyone who is processing their childhood.

@Cheesypea Thank you. I will order it today.

@runninguphills

Sorry - i posted too soon. I think you know what's best and I agree with the poster above. If you aren't sure, try small first. Give yourself a month off visiting her and review how you feel.

I wish you well in this though as I know how difficult this is.

Thank you so much for your post.

@SkittlesRainbow

We are at the same place as you. We feel we have tried and exhausted every option and that NC is the only one left and the last key to having a happy life. But it comes with its own cost. Its extreme and hard to come back from, so in my opinion the last resort (without us having to sacrifice our own health and happiness), it also has implications within our family (also three siblings) and we wonder the long term impacts on our relationships, and of course there is the worry about what happens in the event of death or illness. That's what plays on our mind a lot.

On the forum a few weeks ago, someone said to me that I needed to accept that I would not have the relationship I want from these people and that no matter what I do, it won't achieve the outcome that everyone just gets on, is respected, and has healthy boundaries. I think I was striving for that all along. It's made me face a reality that no matter what I do, or what I sacrifice of myself, I can’t change or control the way they treat me. I feel like this realisation was a big step and my husband and I are now grieving a relationship that never existed - the loss of hope that things would ever improve. I hope that coming to terms with this reality will make it easier for me if / when we have to interact again as my expectations will be gone, the hope of making things better won't be there, and I will no longer be fussed at bad treatment because I have already moved on. Thats the hope. I want to be able to laugh it off, or at least just roll my eyes and move on with the rest of our life - which i have no complaints about!

@SkittlesRainbowI fully understand. Inside I am raging at what she has done. I used to feel so angry at my siblings for cutting me out without much explanation. Awful for my kids and my wife who are innocent parties. Now I feel just sadness for my siblings both of whom are smart and lovely women but have had probably the same stuff I have had. My mother has sat in the middle pulling strings and I've nearly had enough. I think I do accept that there will never be a real relationship there. Its trying not to get triggered on visits thats the thing.

I never remember her telling me I'd be OK.
I never remember getting a hug.
I never got told I was loved.

All difficult stuff but I really cannot sit and think about it when there is a life to be lived.Its the interactions that are hard. I can decide not to have them but this costs too in a different way.

I totally understand your anger. My husband has had such a similar experience as you, everything down to having no memories of affection of being told he was loved or worthy. There was never one big event that he can pinpoint, he says it has been death by 1000 cuts. And like you she has pulled the strings with his siblings, I have watched one sibling completely turn against him and has gone from having a brilliant relationship with us to hating us and wanting nothing to do with us. And another of his siblings has distanced himself completely. Like you say its just them coping with the same toxic upbringing in different ways. Luckily he has one sibling that has also been cast off from the family and he maintains a good relationship with us. We try to channel our energy into all the positive relationships we do have but its not always easy to do that.

Its totally rubbish and I feel bad for you as I do for my husband. I am sure your wife feels the same and that she and your children are just glad to have you in their life. Continue to minimise contact, remind yourself of your boundaries and if she crosses them feel empowered to step away and make it into a positive learning experience. I have found therapy has been great for us, but also doing some of my own reading, at the moment I am reading about resilience and realising that if nothing else these negative experiences have helped shape me into a more resilient person.