To be assertive with my anxious mother?

[GunnerPunner]

My mother is an anxious person. Im fairly sure she was on valium when I was a child. and gin. She's always spoken to me about her various stresses and strains fairly small and big too (when my Dad left, when she had problems at work, health issues etc). I have spent 42 years mostly faking being upbeat and positive to her anxious, doom opinions. I love her very much and she always says my sunny personality is such a good thing for me and how I am very lucky. However, this is because I make a HUGE effort for other people, to try and remain positive, be the voice of reason etc. It actually doesn't always come naturally I work very hard at calming everyone else down whilst furiously peddling underneath.
This has resulted in some stress related illnesses for me (IBS, high blood pressure and OCD).
My mother is currently going through a very difficult time with every day seeming to bring more and more bad news to her very close sister who is currently in hospital with various quite bad illnesses.
However, my own mental health and blood pressure is getting worse and worse, I've started having panic attacks, my bp has rocketed, I'm finding my easy ultra part time job almost unmanageable. But my mother is ringing me at least twice a day crying, hyperventilating and refusing to speak to anyone else except me or take any of my advice (see a doctor, ring friends, walk, bake, play her piano, crochet etc etc). It's a massive strain and I usually end up on the toilet after her calls with an upset stomach because of the stress. She does need and does deserve support. She rings me at least twice a day on video calls to cry at me. I spoke to her today and told her that she can speak to me but she needs to take other action as well because I can no longer absorb all of her stress so she feels better. I gave her a list of activities she can do, websites to help her, suggested friends she can call, but I did it in an uncharacteristically assertive way which she literally flinched at. Now I feel like an asshole. AIBU to say, as her daughter, I cannot keep counselling her like this? (Maybe she could call one of my other siblings who she doesn't ring because she doesn't want to stress them out?!)

YANBU at all. It sounds like years of this is starting to wear you down now and you do need to look after yourself.

you are right is saying you are not a pyschologist and its time she gets some professional help. You may need to speak to a sibling and go low contact for a little while just whilst you get yourself back on track. You are doing nothing wrong here, who is your rock? Good Luck OP x

She does need and does deserve support.

Honestly? No she doesn't. Your mother could take steps to care for herself but she doesn't because it is easier for her to drain you instead.

You need much stricter boundaries. She may be very needy but when she doesn't have you to lean on you may be shocked at how easily she turns to others.

After so many years of "being there" for your mother you may well feel very guilty and anxious about putting boundaries in place. But for all your sakes you need to. Have you considered counselling for yourself to help you do this?

ultimately, you come first and you need to set boundaries! start being more careful about when you pick up the phone, only answer her calls if you are in the right mindset - I started doing this when speaking with my parents and it alleviated all sorts of stress for me! Call back if/when you are in the right headspace to help her.
I would also recommend gently suggesting she get her own help, or perhaps speaking to another one of your siblings if they may be more persuasive?

Yanbu

I would have cracked a long time ago. I can't bear people crying, she's been thing this twice a day to you. It's so selfish.

Continue to push back. I know it feels awkward at first but do it as kindly as you can.

she's been doing this twice a day to you. It's so selfish.

You can't carry on like this. Accept her calls twice a week, and if there's crying bring the call to a close. Your mother is not a tragic heroine; she is suffering the normal ups and downs and occasional sorrows that happen in everyone's life. It's sad about her sister; but I very much doubt she'd be hyper-ventilating if she didn't have an audience.

Thanks all, my GP has referred me to a mental health team but haven't heard anything yet so perhaps that will help.
I do feel ground right down by it all really.
I do agree that boundaries need to be reinforced but it's incredibly difficult to do that now after all this time AND when she's having a difficult time herself.
I so appreciate your responses.

YANBU.

Do you have your own therapist/counsellor? I think you would really benefit from the support of one to redraw boundaries with your DM. You have paid a heavy price to support her over the years, and she should never have put you in the position of managing her anxiety like this. No one could do what she is expecting you to do. A professional therapist would have put her in her place and drawn strong boundaries long ago. And you are not a professional therapist. You owe it to yourself and everyone who cares about you to protect yourself.

@AmaryllisNightAndDay

She does need and does deserve support.

Honestly? No she doesn't. Your mother could take steps to care for herself but she doesn't because it is easier for her to drain you instead.

You need much stricter boundaries. She may be very needy but when she doesn't have you to lean on you may be shocked at how easily she turns to others.

After so many years of "being there" for your mother you may well feel very guilty and anxious about putting boundaries in place. But for all your sakes you need to. Have you considered counselling for yourself to help you do this?

Yes. OP, ask yourself why you’ve chosen to let this situation continue. It’s wrecking your health. And it’s probably actually not doing her any favours either — she needs to take control of her own MH and anxiety.

Your poor mum. But also poor you.

You absolutely cannot carry on like you are. You will become very poorly yourself.

What do you fear would happen if you stopped answering every call? If you don't feel she's a risk to herself then I would start missing the odd call and build up to at least only speaking once per day (with a plan to reduce further as time goes on).

Do you have any siblings? Do you have a partner? Someone who can maybe step in to alleviate the burden?

Maybe explain to your mum that you're finding the calls quite difficult and would prefer to meet once a week to chat instead? Or write letters? Emails (that you can ignore).

I feel for you as it's clear you have a close relationship but it sounds like you've reached the time you need to start looking after yourself.

You need to put your own oxygen on first. Unfortunately you don’t have the capacity to help your mother at the moment . You bend to look after yourself and reduce contact right back to perhaps once a week!

So you have a local carers support centre. Last year I had major issues with a relative. I was getting panic attacks and stomach pains etc.

The carers centre were great and proving support and counselling for me to help me handle it.

OP, I am in a very similar situation, my only advice is to try & create some distance - I don't necessarily mean stop taking calls, but I often say to my Mother that I won't be contactable between 9am - 2pm (for example) - I'll say for meetings or going for a walk etc. I then know I have a break from the emotional responsibility for a bit.

I also started taking sertraline a few months ago, which seems to have taken the edge of my worry over the situation (although it's tough the first few weeks of taking it)

Ultimately you are not responsible for your Mum's emotional wellbeing - only she can be.