Parents never call or visit

[ginglebells2020]

I'm just wondering if I'm BU about this. My parents live less than an hour away, drive and are young with no health conditions and are not working. They never visit us. I understand this year with covid seeing our family has been hit or miss but there was a period of a few months during the summer when they could have come out evan to sit in the garden. They were even in our area at one point 10 minutes away but I only found this out afterwards.

Last year they visited twice. We invite them out. We used to visit them regularly at least once or twice a month but this year haven't been able to do that but we have visited when we could. They did ask us to break restrictions to visit but we said no although I did offer to get them stuff if they needed it but they were going out to the shops daily themselves. Phone calls are non existent, I tried to introduce them to face time but they've no interest and text messages are so far and few. If I text asking how they are I get a reply like this "we're good here hope you'd are good, send our love to the children will talk soon."

Our three children are still very young and myself and my husband are both working and haven't stopped as we are essential workers and tied up with school runs and after school activities. We've limited time off over Christmas and he doesn't think we should be trying to visit them considering the lack of effort they've made and he has said if I visit with the children he will help me pack up the car get the kids ready but he will not go. I'm inclined to agree but then I feel guilty as they are still my parents. Aibu

You say they are young, but how old are they? Have they asked you to visit over Christmas? I don’t think your Dh’s attitude is very supportive tbh. You would have the stress of driving there with small young children and then the stress of all the responsibility for the children once you are there. Your parents may have other things going on that they don’t wish to burden you with. Ill health, caring responsibilities, mental health issues as a result of the pandemic ?!

Stay at home

They are late 50s. They have said things like hopefully the children will have a nice Christmas if we don't see you before then. Sure you know you can pop over any time don't you or we have a load of stuff here for dc when you're over next. If it was just this year alone I'd be a bit more understanding but it's the last few years. Missed birthdays and baptisms of my younger dc. The thing my oldest dc is starting to notice this. He says things like why is granny Eileen here and not granny and granddad. I also don't expect them to visit during a pandemic. This is more a generalisation of the last few years.

There isn't one correct way to be, as a family. They sound as if they regard grandchildren and even you, in something like the way other people might think of ex neighbours who used to be closely involved, but have now moved.

. They did what they felt they should, while bringing you up. Possibly they think the job is finished now. Do they think they may become unpaid full time nannies? Are they not particularly keen on children? Would you say you were ever particularly close? Were they close to their own parents?

Your DH sounds as if he has judged correctly. Parents aren't pushing to contact you, and nothing makes you obliged to contact them, except your own belief that all families conform to a stereotype.

As to the DC, they are possibly being led into the same one-size- fits-all trap. Story books and adverts and social pressure and, above all, commercial pressure, will tend to present a false picture. It's not necessarily true that everyone adores kittens, or even chocolate, and human relationships are obviously far more complex.

One other possibility is they need more firm and clear invitations, to see you at particular times. People can feel a bit unsure of themselves with open invitations, or not be confident of a heartfelt welcome, not taking anything for granted merely because of a shared bloodline. You can see, if the take-for-granted because of blood is gone, and the ordinary British social code is applied instead, there's room to think that "you must come round any time " can translate as a polite way of saying the opposite. (That's why I loved Australia, after eventually realising they actually say what they mean!)