To think the school should've done something?

[cinerue]

My DS(16) came home from school the other Friday and his phone was broken. He told me he threw it which I didn't believe. Then later I got a call from his head of year saying he punched someone in his year so he would be in isolation for the following week (last week). When I asked him why he said he didn't know (thought this was unusual as he isn't violent) but I took his Xbox anyway and said he'd have to pay to repair his phone. Last Tuesday he told my nephew that he didn't throw his phone the boy he punched did and he kept calling him gay etc so son punched him. I phoned the school and they said they'd phone me back but they didn't so I phone on Friday and they said they can't do anything as they don't have any proof that the boy threw it apart from son saying so.

Today son has refused to go to school.

AIBU to think the school should've done something?

What do you want the school to do?

If there were no witnesses to the phone being thrown, then it’s one person’s word against another. Presumably, the punching was witnessed, which is why your son has been given a sanction.

Why did he tell you he threw the phone? If someone else had thrown it, why wouldn’t he have told you that? He has presumably spent time in isolation, so he’s had the sanction and it sounds as though this was a couple of weeks ago, so maybe the school regards the matter as closed.

You might want to find out whether the name calling was a single incident, or a regular thing. If it happens often, you could speak to the school about that. Why has he refused to go to school today? He’s had the sanction, so should be back in class. Have you found out what’s bothering him suddenly?

As the poster above has said there's several different issues to unpick here.

1. The punch - I think the punch was an escalation, violence not in self defense isn't ok and most (every?) School take this seriously so his punishment was appropriate.
2. Phone throwing - I don't think I'd have lied to my cousin about this at your son's age so I think it's likely to be true and most teens don't smash there own phone. Have you asked your son exactly what happened and told him you know what was said to cousin? While I think it's probably too late to do anything now (the school have made a decision) you need to put things in place for if it happens again, how did the other child even get the phone?
3. Name calling - a one of because they had a stupid moment (squash in the corridor, carry over from a class etc) or is it becoming a regular occurrence. The homophobia displayed by the other child is horrible (and would be the approach I took with the school) and needs dealing with but if this is turning into long term bullying then something needs to be done. I would still ask your son what he wants to be done, he will probably say nothing but he might be more open with you in the future so you can step in when you feel it's truly our of control and the school is not stepping in.

The only witnesses were the boys friends and they said he didn't throw sons phone but son wouldn't lie. He says didn't say why he just refused to get up

DS said that at break the other boy kept pushing him but he just told him to stop and leave him alone but then at lunch the other boy went up to him and kept calling him gay and pulling him by grabbing his bag and son tried to walk away but then he grabbed his phone and threw it so son punched him

The only witnesses were the boys friends and they said he didn't throw sons phone but son wouldn't lie. He says didn't say why he just refused to get up

He's said that he threw the phone and then that the other boy threw the phone so you can't say he wouldn't lie.

I would contact the school again today, ask to speak with his form tutor or head of year and explain that on X day there was a continued period of abusive behaviour towards your son and that some of it was homophobic in nature and name names. Explain that while you've only been told of this one incident that fact that it continued throughout the day makes you think that it is either ongoing or will continue. Acknowledge that your son was wrong to hit them and that you agree with the punishment given for that but that you would like something done about the nature of the abuse that ultimately contributed to situation.

Unfortunately from the schools POV someone coming back with an alternative version of events after what they where told was happened had been resolved just looks like someone trying to protect themselves.

Punching someone in the head is wrong anyway so use this as a chance for your son to learn how to respond appropriately to comments he doesn’t agree with.

In all of this I say well don't to your son for sticking up for himself. I don't normally agree with violence. But schools seem to do very little in this country with regards to bullying. The bully gets to taunt and taunt until the victim can't take it any longer and either lashes out or is in a bad way and the victim gets into trouble at school and the bully moves on to the next person. Happened in my day. I shook my bully when I finally snapped after 7 years of daily bullying and she left me alone after that. I would remind your son violence is not the way. But you understand why he stood up for himself and speak to the school about the bullying

Well done. Not don't

Sorry to say it OP, but your son started out this whole thing by lying to you, i think there's a distinct possibility that he still is.

If he's getting homophobic abuse he needs to report that officially to the school.

My son was involved in a similarish situation.

Both boys got punished. Ds for retaliating with violence and the other boy for homophobic bullying which was taken very seriously.

@Northofsomewhere has it spot on, please follow that advice.

Thank you I'll phone the school later. I know he's in the wrong for punching and I agree with the punishment from the school but I feel like the other boy should've aswell

What is the school's evidence in relation to the punching incident? If it's from witnesses or CCTV, did they pick up anything of what led to it?

I'd suggest you ask for copies of notes of their investigation - they can edit names out if they want to keep them confidential.

They should be taking the accusation of homophobic language seriously and investigating. Get back in touch with the school about that.

I think the evidence was the witnesses but they were friends with the boy.

I've phoned the school and DS's head of year will call me after school

I'm the op but cant login to my account

Anyway today things have escalated DS got home and had a bruise on his cheek and he said he was with one and his friends and the same boy and his friend went up to DS and called him gay and then punched DS and he said the school didn't really do anything apart from put one of the boys in isolation but he'll be back in lessons tomorrow! And DS got shouted at because one of them said he called them gay but he said he didn't he was just talking to his friend

You don’t know what the school have done in relation to the other boy involved, and you won’t, they aren’t going to tell you that. A conversation will have been had with him about what preceded the punching though. If what your son is saying is the truth, you need to tell him that when situations like this occur, he has to be honest about it at the first available opportunity, otherwise it is incredibly difficult for the adults involved to deal with it fairly and he could lose out from that.

Tbh I think you won't get anywhere with the phone because all they'll say is that he shouldn't have had his phone out at school. The bullying and homophobic language is another matter, they HAVE to deal with that. If they don't, you are well within your rights to report to police as he has been assaulted and with the 'gay' comments is, arguably, the victim of a hate crime.

I was thinking of keeping him off for the next few days. DS was quite annoyed that the school didn't really do anything especially as they had proof on CCTV and DS had a bruise