To ask what would you do? Abusive relationship

[DifficultDifficultLemonDifficu]

So my mum is in a emotionally abusive relationship. He's essentially a cock lodger, he works but doesn't pay any bills and expects mum to cook and clean, despite her having a full time job teaching.

He calls her a cunt, gets angry when my brother goes to visit and is always provoking rows with her.

She called me up in tears the other night because he said her cooking was rubbish and she made a bad meal on purpose. I told her to leave him and have said I will help but then 5 mins later said they are planning to go on a small holiday together.

The situation is maddening, what would you do?

Difficult because when someone is in an abusive relationship they are controlled to some extent by the abuser.
You could talk to her when he is not there. That would be a start

I really don’t think there is much you can do in this situation. I had the same with my sister she was in an abusive relationship said she was scared of him, etc she wants to sneak out the house she’s worried he has a knife then texts half an hour later saying they are off to the cinema.

She pops round for dinner quite often after she's finished work and she always complains about him and says she can't stand him so I try to offer solutions or an ear and then next thing you know they are off to the pub together happy as anything

I think you need to out some boundaries in place for your own sanity or you will reach burn out. I would say - mum I love you but all this drama is starting to affect my mental health. In the past month you have told me that he has (insert this months incidents). You know my opinion, he is abusive to you and is not likely to change. I will always be here for you and when you are ready to leave him I will help you to the best of my ability. Until then please do not involve me in your relationship.

@ludothedog

I think you need to out some boundaries in place for your own sanity or you will reach burn out. I would say - mum I love you but all this drama is starting to affect my mental health. In the past month you have told me that he has (insert this months incidents). You know my opinion, he is abusive to you and is not likely to change. I will always be here for you and when you are ready to leave him I will help you to the best of my ability. Until then please do not involve me in your relationship.

This with bells on

@ludothedog I think you're right. It's maddening listening to all the things they row about and how she wants him gone, but then talks about holidays they are planning when covid clears up. It makes me so worried, thinking what if one day he snaps, I just feel like I need to rescue her!

Difficult have you looked into the drama triangle? You have just described yourself as the rescuer. The reality is you can't rescue someone who doesn't want to be rescued and your mum is enjoying the drama right now. She is also an adult who needs to make the decision to step out of her relationship by herself. You can only make the decision to step out of your role of rescuer. Its heartbreaking I know but you need to do this for you all.

It's hard. So hard.

You could try inverting your perspective. So the primary message she's giving you is that she's unhappy.

All the rest of the messages are her attempts to assuage the guilt and cognitive dissonance, to make sense of the mess, to feel less crap about herself. She's probably very fearful of many things.

Maybe tell her you 'get it' and that the door is open to her to come back into your life when she is ready, within limits, but you need to keep your own sanity and boundaries in the meantime.

But you may as well be brutally honest about what those limits are.

@JamieLeeCurtains you're right, it's just going to be so hard but it's starting to effect my MH now.

@ludothedog that diagram explained it perfectly. I'll do my best to try step back but it's not going to be easy