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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask have you ever been told off at work?

48 replies

Rainbowb · 06/12/2020 21:20

Got yelled at the for the first time ever at work on Friday by my boss. Never in any job has that ever happened before. I’m a quiet hard working type who always goes the extra mile, I just slipped up by concentrating on the wrong thing. I feel so silly but I had no idea I was so fragile. I was gutted, went home and cried and now am dreading going back tomorrow. The little confidence I had seems to have disappeared. Wish I could just get over it! I often get the impression this woman just tolerates me she never chats to me like she does to the others, never asks about my life and lets others get away with far worse. Can anyone make me feel a bit better and tell me they’ve had a rollocking too and it’s all been ok?

OP posts:

Ideasplease322 · 06/12/2020 22:03

A very senior manager once called me in to talk through how I handled a situation, and set out what he would have done in the same situation.

It only dawned on me hours lasted that I was being told off.

He was brilliant, and gave me some really good pointers which ten years latter I still use.

That’s leadership😊

raspberryk · 06/12/2020 22:03

Yes I have for my own bosses incompetence so I stopped him and went and got HR and asked him to continue in a private office with HR present and he backtracked big time.
A non senior person to me shouted at me once and I walked out and said I wouldn’t be back until they’d been dealt with. I would never put up with being shouted at at work.

justgeton · 06/12/2020 22:08

This says more about your manager than you. Never in all the years I was a senior manager in a large organisation have I done that.

Ask for an appointment to see her and tell her you have reflected on your performance and her bollocking and tell her you acknowledged her point but are upset and wish to move on... and expect her help.

furryer · 06/12/2020 22:12

This is exactly the sort of shit that causes me anxiety and leaves me terrified to find a job. Really don't want to put myself in any of these situations, I wouldn't cope

wellthatsunusual · 06/12/2020 22:16

Yes, I used to work somewhere that it was just incessant yelling and belittling and temper tantrums. And if you said you didn't like being spoken to like that you were the one with the problem.

I think it's a bit like an abusive relationship in some ways - I should have walked the first time it happened but I ended up with my confidence crushed and feeling trapped until I was such a shell of my former self that I thought that was just how it would always be.

I work for a fantastic employer now and it would never happen.

islockdownoveryet · 06/12/2020 22:23

Yes a few times over the years and I think 2 different bosses have made me cry .
All times were unprofessional and not necessary.
I think the tears have been mainly due to anger at feeling partially humiliated and not sure what to say back .
I've had a few twatty bosses .
In my opinion if you shout at your employees you are shit at your job and shit at management.

JacobReesMogadishu · 06/12/2020 22:29

Multiple times by an ex boss. She used to shout and rant. Not just at me but most of us. After years of it people whistle blew, there was an investigation and she was sacked for bullying, properly marched off the premises by security.

pumpkintree · 06/12/2020 22:31

You should not be shouted at in work. I would email whoever done this and make it clear it is not to ever happen again and an apology is required in public if they shouted in public. Really, I have only once been shouted at and I immediately asked them why they were shouting and if it was to intimidate me. They apologised on the spot!

BackforGood · 06/12/2020 22:39

Yea, I've been told off. My Manager's Manager always wants the Team to be presented "in a positive light", even when her Manager's are doing a 'listening ear' session and claim they want to know what the issues are. She also wants us not to be honest with the service users, but to 'present a positive front' even when there is little positive to report.
However

I’ve never been yelled at, that’s unprofessional and nobody should be yelling at you.

This is spot on. That should be addressed.

Original poster

Rainbowb · 06/12/2020 22:42

Thanks for your support. I was in the wrong so I don’t feel able to challenge her although I do feel very reassured that so many of you think she shouldn’t have yelled. I wish I could just shrug it off, we were putting the tree up today with the children and I just felt numb and detached, it’s normally one of my fave things to do.

OP posts:

Cherrysoup · 06/12/2020 22:51

Several times by a boss who was (wrongly) protecting someone on my team. She was utterly incompetent, had so many complaints. The minute a new boss arrived, she was put on a competency programme (my line manager told the new boss she was the biggest problem in the establishment) which she failed miserably and was sacked.

Girlzroolz · 06/12/2020 22:55

See, now, I grew up in a shouty family. I’m fairly immune. When it’s happened in the workplace, I’ve been able to see it instantly as a weakness on their part. It doesn’t touch me, or cause me to doubt my general professionalism or self esteem.

What has caused hell with my insides is the syrupy, passive-aggressive, low-level background bullying/put downs in some unhealthy office environments. That two-faced shit that middle managers are known for. Nothing ever directly dealt with, nothing ever acknowledged, apologised for, escalated properly. Just a subculture of demeaning unproductive micro-actions and micro-neglects. Little fiefdoms and a million ‘unwritten rules’ designed to trip you up. Does my head in.

Give me a shouty bollocking anytime! I can walk off (as you can) knowing that whatever I actually did wrong, they’ve done worse by being so openly unprofessional. They are basically handing you the higher moral ground, so take it and let it strengthen your confidence!

Flapjackninja · 06/12/2020 23:00

God yes completely toxic environment, no people management skills what so ever. Regularly told I'm costing the company money, this project will end us, lucky to have a job etc.. He will then out of earshot apologies and say he handled it wrong and and just trying to "protect the business". I'm not singled out he's like this with everyone even the other director!

Annoyingly he has made me cry a few times not because I'm upset but in anger which pisses me off more.

yeOldeTrout · 06/12/2020 23:06

I had a boss who could be shouty. This was all hot air.
when I truly screwed up & upset him, he spoke very very quietly.

Miriel · 06/12/2020 23:07

Once, in one of my very first jobs. I was so new I didn't have an ID swipe card. Needed to leave the office for something, realised afterwards that I couldn't get back in and had to knock on the door. Manager yelled at me for forgetting my card. I explained I didn't have one, so then she yelled at me for not borrowing someone else's before I left. A lack of common sense on my part, maybe, but not something that deserved being shouted at in front of the whole open plan office. I left that job after a couple of weeks. Not a great organisational culture in general. At the time I felt bad for not having tried to stick it out but in hindsight I think I did the right thing. 'Telling off' is necessary for a manager sometimes but yelling is never justified.

ImaSababa · 06/12/2020 23:10

Yeah. I was reprimanded for only working my hours and not staying late, which was apparently "expected" of me. I told them that they'd need to pay me for those hours if they wanted me to work them...

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 06/12/2020 23:11

Yelled at? Nope. Told off.. a few times. Nod my head,make the right noises then moan and rant about it because I know I'm right and they're wrong.

I get exceeding in my performance review every year so I must be doing something right.

thepeopleversuswork · 06/12/2020 23:15

Yes. I've lost count of the number of bollockings I've had at work and I'm fairly senior in my industry.

While there's nothing wrong with hard work, being " a quiet hard working type" isn't necessarily a recipe for success. Being a people pleaser isn't always a great thing if you want to be successful.

Being a shouty, aggro type who winds people up the wrong way and always works to rule isn't great either. But there's nought wrong with being able to stand your grand from time to time.

JovialNickname · 06/12/2020 23:18

That's really a failing of your boss, to shout at you and let her emotions get the better of her over a one off incident (which is what this sounds like from your initial post). There are ways to correct and discipline staff that don't involve that kind of loss of control. However times are hard at the moment and people are only human. Assuming its not a pattern of vindictive behaviour I would rise above it whilst taking any constructive criticism on board. Its not nice but by dealing with things this way you will look like the better person.

Scarby9 · 06/12/2020 23:20

Once, yes.
It was completely unjustified and came totally out of the blue and winded me, if I am honest.
She was under a lot of pressure at the time and was taking it out on us all generally. I had defended her to others who had been upset or annoyed by her and was working doubly hard (as were others) to try to support her and the organisation through a really difficult period.
I didn't expect gratitude but I did not expect a gratuitous unprovoked and unjustified personal attack on my professionalism.
I had always been very confident at work- I was good at my job and enjoyed the challenges and working with a great team. It says a lot that when redundancies were required two months later, only four of the 13 in the team applied for the five available jobs, and two of those only did so because they were within three years of retirement.
I would say it took me about three years to rebuild my confidence and I still actively avoid her when our paths cross.
It does feel unfair and inappropriate in a professional context, and I sympathise, OP.

DuesToTheDirt · 06/12/2020 23:31

No but I've been present a few times when managers at my company tell employees off, sometimes in quite a nasty way, in front of other people. It has certainly given me a dim view of those managers, not of the employees.

Glitterblue · 06/12/2020 23:36

I had a bollocking from my rather volatile boss, 2 days after MIL passed away suddenly. I was off the first day because we got the call in the middle of the night and had to travel to be with BIL and SIL, but had to go back to work the next again day and my boss was in a vile mood anyway that day. She came down looking for a file, it wasn't in the filing cabinet and she yelled at me. I was feeling so fragile as it was and burst into tears. She did apologise - and the file turned up on her desk anyway!

Sunnydayhere · 07/12/2020 07:10

Been there, suffered that.

Sorry to read this. It happens but shouldn’t.

My troubles started out of the blue and carried on until I left. For me leaving for a better job where I was valued was the right thing to do but isn’t an option for all and, at the time was an unpleasant experience.

My union was supportive. (I was the 4th out of 5 in that school to go to that union. Other unions were dealing with other teachers’ problems) The head had bullied staff in her previous post - again with union involvement.

I decided not to let the bastads get me down. I walked tall - at least in public. Never took time off due to stress - She wanted to grind me down.

Looking back her gameplan was for me to leave as my dept was overstaffed and resignation was cheaper than redundancy. .

Going in today will be hard. Tell yourself that you are better. Walk tall.

All the best.

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