To resent my own mother

[Whuut]

This could be a long one and I'm sure I'll get mixed responses but I think I just need to get it out.

I have come to totally resent my mum. My partner, our 18mo and I moved in with my mum at the first lockdown due to me losing my job. I am so grateful we had somewhere to go but I feel our relationship has suffered due to this situation. She owns her house with no mortgage but we have paid all the bills plus a bit more on top since we moved in. My mum and I have always had a bit of a tricky relationship, I moved out at 16 and never came back because of this. Without going into too much detail, my childhood was hard for many reasons but mostly because my mum was severely depressed for most of it. Every morning I would wake up to her crying and shouting. Im he middle child but always had to take of her and my siblings because my oldest sibling is disabled.

Now what's getting to me.. My mum is completely obsessed with my DS. I know I should be happy about this and I am in so many ways, she has been so helpful during his time but it's to the point she talks about him as if he is her child, she doesnt really talk to me very much anymore, and just always wants his attention. She doesnt listen to anything we ask as his parents, she just thinks she knows best and totally undermines us a lot of the time. Since getting another job she has looked after DS for me while I work (she doesnt work) but, to be clear, she always asks to have him and gets upset if she cant. I feel like she is using him as her reason to be happy and I dont feel it's right. He has recently started nursery 2 days a week and she got really upset about him going, asking if it was right for him, questioning what the people would be like etc.

I know some of my feelings are jealousy because I feel like she cares about him more than me, if we are ever talking and he does/says something, she will totally ignore me and just start doting over him. We are moving back into our own place soon so living together should take some pressure off but I just cant handle how much she is all over DS and although I know some people are going to jump on me for 'free childcare', I can't afford to work without her help, I wish I could.

I just dont know what to do, I just want our relationship to be okay. I feel like never seeing her again right now but I hope that will change. I know I've posted on AIBU so should expect some flaming but could just use somewhere to talk tbh.

Thanks if you got this far, I'm sure I've missed out loads but dont want to carry on rambling.

Sounds like a slightly unhealthy attachment on your mums part! Possibly overcompensating for what she didn't give you as a child? I think lots of grandparents seem to behave in ways they wished they had done as parents with the benefit of hindsight, but in an exaggerated form! X

@Missingthebridegene Yes I definitely think it is. She has even said in the past that she 'fucked up with us so wants to do it right this time'. My feelings are that this is not her chance to 'do it right', this is mine and my partners chance as first time parents.

I feel so guilty sometimes and I worry about moving out that she will get really depressed again.

When will you be moving out?

OP just like you'll maybe have felt guilty at points as a child wondering if it was your fault that your mum was depressed x when you move out you'll be able to establish a relationship that's abit more comfortable for everyone x living together with naturally blur boundaries but those will be put back in place once you're moved out x

@HolyBuckets in the next 3 weeks. Definitely before Christmas.

I wish I felt like moving out will solve everything but I just dont think it will

Moving out will make it easier to set boundaries, but it's still going to be some work.

Maybe she is extra loving to DS since she knows she's given her own children a hard childhood and doesn't want her grandchildren to grow up having the same feelings towards her as her own DC did. It may feel over bearing but remember she's half raising DS for you, be thankful too.

Your mother’s happiness is not your problem and you do not need to ensure she doesn’t get depressed because you want to make choices for your child. I think the kindest thing would be to ‘wean’ her off her obvious dependence on him by sending him to nursery more often. Once you move out, the extreme closeness will be naturally lessened.

@Piggieinblanket I get that but its unbearable at the moment and through doing what you suggest,
she is creating an even more hostile relationship with me- her child. As said in my original post, I am extremely grateful that she cares for DS as without her, I couldnt work.

@Cherrysoup Thank you, I know it's not my problem but shes my mum and I really love her, even if she is hard work. I would love to send him to nursery more but unfortunately cant afford it. I was lucky to get a job as it is so dont feel I can start asking for things just yet but once I have been there a few months Im going to see whether theres possibility for different hours so my partner and I could alternate and more nursery would be possible.

Keep in mind that this might not be an unhealthy attachment at all. Keep an eye out on here for all the complaints about overbearing / over involved grandmothers! It could be that she’s only at “normal” levels of grandparent cracker-ness, but it stands about because she failed to parent you adequately. That doesn’t mean that you’re wrong to be annoyed about it! But there might not be quite the potential mental health impact of reducing contact that you fear

@Cocomarine She was a wonderful mother in many ways to me and had a lot of shit going on herself, she didnt fail to parent me, it was just very tough sometimes. I think the 'overbearing grandmother' is thrown around a lot on here but honestly, she is just that. She will pick DS up and kiss him 10 times while repeating how much she loves him and how gorgeous he is about 5/6 times a day, she always has to repeat things we say for example if we say 'well done DS' she has to say louder 'oh well done clever boy!', if I say I love you to DS she will say 'oh we love you so much', she used to let him push her over as a game which ended up with him pushing other kids as he thought it was playing, I asked her to stop but she wouldnt. That's just a few examples, there are so many.

The one that gets me the most is she just doesnt listen to us. We asked for DS not to have any snacks after 4pm as he wont eat dinner but she keeps ignoring us. Also she only feeds him snacks all day and not proper meals but we just let it go because we appreciate her having him. It's so hard because she doesnt give him any boundaries, never says no and let's him do whatever he wants.