People think it’s odd Im happy being childfree because I enjoy being a stepmum

[lala2221]

Bit of background info - I’m 34 with two stepsons aged 7 and 8 , I wouldn’t say being a stepmum is easy but I am luckily in the situation I am in and most of the time I genuinely enjoy it. I don’t however plan on having my own children and people seem to find this strange and can be quite opinionated about it! Especially now I’m in my 30s. I have never really wanted my own children and I think mums are amazing how they do it all. You would think in 2020 people would be more open minded about people being childfree or stepparents actually enjoying being a stepparent?! Surely it’s ok to not want children?!

My friend and his wife are 38&36;they've decided not to start a family.About 8 years ago they were expecting a baby his wife had a MMC.

I've no idea if the baby was planned or not but they've since decided not to try again

It's absolutely OK to not want children.

Many times when I expressed to others that I wasn't sure I wanted any (after they asked) people seemed to take it as a personal insult. As though me saying I didn't want children was a personal attack or criticism of their decision to have (or want) them. It's all very strange.

I’m a teacher and said in class the other day how refreshing it was that some students feel able to say they don’t want children and for it to be a valid choice.

I wonder if you enjoy being a sternum because, ultimately, they're not your responsibility? Which is fine, it's one of the reasons I like being an auntie....all the fun but none of the responsibility!

Before I had kids I couldn't understand people saying they didn't want them. But now I have them I totally get it, if someone says to me know that they don't want kids I just think "good for you". I love my kids and would have always pinned for my own if I hadn't had them, but God I can see the benefits of a child free life!!

Sternum? I meant stepmum?

Damn you autocorrect. No fun being a sternum, especially if someone performing CPR on you.

Lol that was funny spidey! You would think by now people would be more open to the different decisions people make in their lives!

@Whoopsies I feel totally the same as you!

I suppose I’d find it a little odd initially in the sense that I don’t want children because I don’t want children and all the faff and hassle and expensive that comes with them in my lifestyle, and have always assumed that’s why people choose not to have their own children. Having stepchildren is essentially still having children. Yet not the same dynamic. Sort of all the negatives without all of the benefits, in a way.

But you’re happy. And that’s great. You don’t have to justify how you feel to anyone. Just point out how dull the world would be if we all wanted the same.

I rarely bang the feminist drum but I do think this is more commented on when it's a step mum rather than a step dad. DP is the resident (non married ) step parent and has been for years ,takes a far heavier amount of parenting than exdh , in fact was the one to teach them to ride their bikes , picks them up for school feeds cleans them etc etc. Noone has questioned that he doesnt want his own DC. Funny isn't it ?

I've heard it a couple of times to step mums asking when they will have their own children 🙄 and have never heard it even hinted at with DP.

There is definitely an odd sexism there.

To be fair I find it incredibly intrusive to comment on anyone's children or otherwise status I mean what on earth has it to do with anyone else?

Childfree not children

I am in exactly the same situation as you except my ss is 13. I dont want children never have. I cant be dealing with the responsibility the whining the crying and the endless football, rugby, swimming etc. I like stepson more now he is older we can go more places with him.

I havent ever been asked when i will have children but then i have never shown any maternal displays towards family babies, never held one and cooed over baby and always managed to worm out of holding one.

I think if i was asked i may take offence that my partner was not.

I totally agree with @Whoopsies. I never really wanted kids but ended up with my DD who’s now 6 months. I would never ever change her for the world she’s been a blessing in a year that has been so shit and has kept me going but I can totally understand why women don’t want to have kids and don’t understand why when they say this it’s such a big thing!

In my experience before I had my DD, it was mostly the older generation that was shocked and dismayed at my answer and by older I mean late people in their 70’s 80’s. My gripe now is I keep getting asked when I’m having the next 1 and when I say I’m not it’s the shock on peoples faces followed with oh god you can’t leave her herself!! And I can honestly say I am done at 1 but she’s not herself she has 14 cousins ( I am the youngest of 4 ) on my side and 3 cousins on the other side who we are all really close too and amazing grandparents and aunties and uncles so god help the next person who asks and looks shocked because it’s got to the point I’m ready for telling them to keep their mouth shut! As long as your happy with your life that’s all you can ask for

It does annoy me that the socially acceptable feminism is not for women to have a choice per se but more about them being able to do it all. So if we choose a career over a family, what a shame. If we choose a family over a career, how old fashioned. Nobody does this to men! It's not feminism it's repackaged Misogny for the 21st century! It's just heavily internalised and women's expectations of other women.

We should be empowering other women to make different choices, not asking them to make the same choices in order to make us feel better about the ones we've made.

@AurorasGingerbreadHouse

It does annoy me that the socially acceptable feminism is not for women to have a choice per se but more about them being able to do it all. So if we choose a career over a family, what a shame. If we choose a family over a career, how old fashioned. Nobody does this to men! It's not feminism it's repackaged Misogny for the 21st century! It's just heavily internalised and women's expectations of other women.

This. Beautifully encapsulated my irritation with this particular attitude.

Yes @AurorasGingerbreadHouse EXACTLY

people seem to find this strange and can be quite opinionated about it

I’ve found “why do you care?” can work a treat with people like this.

Fuck off is probably too blunt, particularly for a work setting.

I agree with PP, it’s an attempt to validate their own choices. I find it incredibly boring when people can’t see past their own opinions and choices, or can’t see that not everyone wants to do exactly what they’ve done. And pretty narrow minded.

My DP doesn’t want any of his own children. He’s very happy to be step dad to ds. He is amazing and everything I would wish he would be. He’s never wanted his own. People are perfectly fine accepting it, probably because he’s a bloke.

It’s no-ones business what you do with your life. Tell them to get lost.

I feel the same a lot of the time. Like, ultimately, if anything needs to be done, it's not my responsibility (even though I absolutely do a lot for him and am happy to!)

I’m childfree by choice - exH and I never wanted them and we were both very happy with our choice, though some people found it difficult to get their heads around it.

My DP has two children (DSD 16 & DSS 10) and I love them. However, it has not in any way changed my mind about having my own. I get to have all the fun of having children around without any of the “heavy lifting”, as it were. They have parents who love them and care for them and do all the parenting, and I’m almost like a cool aunt.

It's fine. My DS has a stepmum and she doesn't want kids of her own. I'd say she gets all the fun parts rather than the negatives as a PP said - she doesn't have to do any of the discipline or make the hard decisions. DS lives mainly with me so she gets plenty of time to herself too.

its totally ok, obviously! if anyone really presses you on it you can tell them its none of their business! they also have no idea why you don't have children - I can't imagine how painful it might be if you were never able to have children and people are constantly quizzing you on it!

Lovely responses from you all thank you!