BF out with the boys 3/4 days... AIBU

[notenoughgintonight]

My BF, of two years, has gone out on the lash again third time in four days. We don't live together but stay at his regularly. He NEVER stays here. He can't, won't go into it as too revealing but he has no children. He had to work yesterday and this morning, fair enough. We'd had words around his actions on Thursday where I couldn't get hold of him at all and he couldn't remember the convo the morning after. Got asked to go out today and told the boys he wasn't sure as we'd had words. Found out he'd planned to go out, drinking again I'm guessing, I asked him to
Come for Sunday dinner and obviously he's said no! AIBU to think I'm in a relationship with a bloody man child?! He's a bit older if that's relevant and said this morning he's basically not used to someone keeping tabs on him. I'm just not impressed at all. It's a Sunday, family time IMO bit most of his friends are heavy drinkers who basically desert their families when they want. Fed up. Happy to give more details if I can get an AIBU?! Thanks

In my experience if he wants to spend time with you he will.

If he wants to make you a priority he will.

He's isn't.

He's showing you who he is.

He needs to be binned.

^^this

Has he always been like this? Or is it new?

I'd say he's making it clear what his priorities are, you need to make it clear what your tolerance is

Three times in four days sounds excessive.

When I had a girl friend (she is now my wife) I wanted to spend as much time as possible with her. we probably spent 6 nights a week together, sometimes at her place sometimes at mine.

If you have only been together for two years he should want to be with you as much as possible.
I don't understand why he won't stay at your place.
He needs to think what matters to him, or rather who matters to him

I'm confused by 'family time' - you're bf/gf who don't live together, not family. Like others have said, he's showing you where his priorities are.

If you're prepared to put up with it keep him. If not, don't.
You don't sound compatable. He wants freedom, you want more time with him

To give more context... we were apart for a year reasons we won't get into but were still seeing each other regularly. We were FWB off a year before. We've only got back together recently. He did up a bedroom in his house straight away with New single beds for my children. He used to come to mind during the split around three nights a week, but since he did the room he never comes in the evenings. Always used to feel like he wanted to go home anyway. I just feel like he's fitting me in between his work, anti social hours, and his friends. We've had words this week about a female friend of his but I know I'm being paranoid. He's text saying I know you're effed off with me and I've just said you get on with it. I'm just fed up of being the facilitator of our relationship. Sometimes I want to be in my lovely, comfortable home and he can't be and it's wearing.

Maybe we're not compatible and no we're not a family. We were meant to be buying a house together last year which went tits up and maybe I'm still living off that 'dream' as such. He is honestly a lovely bloke, I love him to bits but yes I want more from this.

Is he giving you you want in this relationship?

Hand on heart - is he going to anytime now?

If no then get rid. What are you getting from this?

He can't be that good in bed surely.

I'm making assumptions from one post that he doesn't fulfil your life in any way as it's enough for you to post about.

Find a nice fella. Who values you, your family dynamic and leave this fucker who just stresses you out from the sounds of it.

I think until you find a good one you put up with this type of shit. Then when you find someone decent you want to kick yourself.

So you're on and off, he's inconsistently in your life and your kids are in the middle of it sleeping over at his?

You don't live together so I don't understand why you resent him seeing his friends. You and BF are not a family so why expect him to spend "family time" with you.

Of course this relationship is doomed and he doesn’t give a shot about you. Obvious. You’re convenient to him when it suits. Get rid

I never resent him seeing his friends. However I see my friends for a coffee and he criticises me when I drink more than he would like. Since lockdown ceased I've seen friends for a drink maximum once a week due to the rules. Plus all my friends are in relationships or have children too. I'm obviously asking for or expecting too much and this isn't the relationship I thought it was.

Your last post.

Get him in the bin. He's a twat.

@nancybotwinbloom friends have told me many times to get rid. I'm mid 30's he's coming up late 40's but I don't know what it is. We just seem not to be able to part. I can't say we do t love each other as we do but our lifestyles are so different. Honestly though i just think I'm getting old, I'm constantly knackered, my life is hard work and I want to give up on everything every day.

You need to prioritise your kids and stop bloody pining around him like a star struck teen. He's telling you that an involved family life isn't something he's going to prioritise.

Either demote him to fuck buddy status, and keep your kids out of it (you're moving too quickly and expecting him to behave like a long term partner or step dad, why are you so willing to loosen up on healthy boundaries so soon?!)... Or get rid.

You seem to have some sort of romantic fantasy stuff going on. Snap out of it and provide consistency and stability for your children - this shouldn't be coming from a man, and you shouldn't be willing to sacrifice that to have a man (fuck buddy) in your life.

Where are you both going to meet your mates drinking?

P.s. 3 time Les in 4 days might be fine (my almost teetotaler DH has done similar on a whirlwind tour of catching up with friends while traveling, it's fine). Or maybe it's the same every week. Or maybe your boyfriend gets only 1 alcoholic drink in with food. Or maybe he gets totally rat arsed.

There's no right or wrong, there's only behaviour you're willing to tolerate in a relationship.

This isn't about number of times going out drinking.

It's about why the heck you are pining after someone who just uses you for sex but you're trying to push into step dad / life partner territory, and he's fallen short of meeting your expectations.

This isn't an ihbu situation. You're just not compatible and/or you're not a priority for him. Dump him, and find someone who's hobby isn't going out drinking four times a week.