To think DH needs to sometimes take over ‘my jobs’ when pregnant?

[UncleBunclesHouse]

I’m getting on for 6 months pregnant. Third weekend in a row I’m in pain with my hips from overdoing it. Third weekend DH has been concerned about this, telling me I need to rest more, do fewer jobs, don’t overdo things. But does he then the next weekend take over doing those things? No.

AIBU to say that in order for me to rest he needs to take over some of this stuff?? For example I usually do extra sorting out with animals to save time in the week (eg muck out chickens, fill feed bins), I also do things like sweep leaves etc. I like doing all this as I am desk based full time and I like to be outside and active as much as possible at the weekend so I’m not in anyway complaining about the situation under normal circumstances. DH has a physics job so it’s good to switch things up. I usually do as much as possible with toddler in tow, sometimes DH takes over for a few hours with him so I can do it quicker and he has some quality time playing which he loves. However I think given I’m getting a bit of SPD again as per last pregnancy there is zero point in telling me to rest then doing nothing to enable that! He does have to do some work at the weekend, but not all day. And I certainly don’t want to do any of these things, I still want to excercise and get time outdoors, but maybe offering to do a couple of these jobs or walk the dogs etc wouldn’t be too much to ask if you’re then going to tell me off for ‘overdoing it’ later if you don’t?! I don’t think I’m being princessy here and I don’t subscribe to sitting around when pregnant unless medically necessary. But unless things are different from last time the SPD is only going to get worse :( AIBU?

Just tell him what jobs he needs to do?

Well now, YANBU but you could always ask him to do some stuff?!

I do, it might happen at some point after asking a thousand times. Might not. Or suddenly has work to do.

I asked him to take some recycling and boxes out this morning. Still sitting there. So no doubt because they are annoying me and not him I’ll be doing this later. Please don’t say leave it until he does as I can’t stand living in a big mess, which is what would happen if I took this approach. He does do a lot don’t get me wrong, It’s when it’s not ‘his’ thing it doesn’t strike him to do it if i usually do and if I ask him to do it, it just doesn’t seem to be a priority.

DP is like this, I'm 18+4 and also recovering from a kidney infection and a recent nephrestomy. He keeps telling me to take it easy/relax and stop doing chores.

But what he means by this is don't do the chores today but do them on a day I'm feeling better rather than that he will do them for me. So if I don't do it, it won't get done. Or if I ask him to do them, I'm moaning at him and 'he does everything' arghhh!

NO, I personally never needed or wanted any help when pregnant three times years ago, first pregnancy ended with miscarriage at 14 weeks.

My late Husband was a workaholic kind of, and I did everything at home, because I liked to keep active all the time. I was a keen gardener and into all the diy also, so it was great doing everything.

Not sure how that last post is supposed to be helpful

OP when I was pregnant with sextuplets I enjoyed putting a new roof on the house, manually digging 6 foot foundations for a new out building and cage fighting. I made a start on those things at about 6 months pregnant, after one of my legs and both my arms fell off. I love to keep busy!

@NiceGerbil
Nice one!
Seriously op you need to stop doing just a few things so maybe the extra sorting out you have taken up. If you don't do it on the weekend will he have to do those himself or does it just add up for you during the week?
If it falls to him then that's what I would advise you to drop.
That way the easier things that keep house tidy as you like it you will be able to do and he will have to do the others

@NiceGerbil but you had all those extra little hands and feet to help you plus a whole leg of your own. Well done though.

🏅@1forAll74

I think you’re right to be annoyed BUT I don’t think sharing jobs ever works. He needs to take on some of these jobs ‘officially’ and you need to NOT DO THEM.
I know this is a pain in the arse, hideously stressful and not what you should need to do when dealing with a grown up but it’s the only thing that works. So if feed bins are ‘his’ job don’t touch them. If taking the bins out fall to him then don’t do it even if it’s overflowing. Smile sweetly (or like a serial killer) if he mentions it and say you know he’s busy but trust him to get round to it as he’s said it’s his responsibility.
I think you need to decide this issue is more important than ‘mess’ for say the next month, then grit your teeth and go for it.
Good luck!

Same as you (toddler, SPD, 5m pregnant). DH does lots of my jobs so I can rest when I need to (we don’t have dogs or chickens though so less to do). He did practically everything earlier when I had hyperemesis. This feels normal to us - so I think YANBU.

I’m doing more of the organising instead, so everything isn’t just on him. Having some building work done atm so I’m sorting that. Whatever I can do lying down is good!

He wants to be the hero by saying the right things, but the due has zero follow through. My DH can be a bit like this at times. He just needs told, and if he says he will do it in the mythical time known as “later”, I take him at his word and leave it until he finally gets around to it. No clean towels/pants/milk etc? Imagine that!

You need to spell it out for him that you need him to pick up some of slack. There shouldn't be a divide of his/ her work, if needs done then it needs done. When baby comes along will their care be divided where he won't do part of it if you're struggling for whatever reason, because it's not his task to do? Tell him and be clear that you need him to help you out.

That does sound really frustrating OP, I think you will have to be more direct with him because as you say it may get worse and he is going to have to pick up the slack if that happens, especially if you have animals to look after which can't just be left.

I feel housework is the only thing my partner and I really raise our voices about, he has far far lower standards than me but mostly does his bit. I was ill last year and couldn't do anything for 2 weeks, not even look after our son as I had to lay still for 2 weeks, he really stepped up and I've felt like a weight has lifted since then. Like confirmation that he will actually cope should anything ever happen to me!

He should be taking over tasks. You should not have to make him an actual list, but make him a list. It helps.

Mine was exactly like this when I was pregnant with all three dc. Lots of ticking me off for doing laundry at all hours, zero actually stepping in to share the load. I’m still pretty resentful.

*NO, I personally never needed or wanted any help when pregnant three times years ago, first pregnancy ended with miscarriage at 14 weeks.

My late Husband was a workaholic kind of, and I did everything at home, because I liked to keep active all the time. I was a keen gardener and into all the diy also, so it was great doing everything.*

Well bully for you!

@1forAll74

NO, I personally never needed or wanted any help when pregnant three times years ago, first pregnancy ended with miscarriage at 14 weeks.

My late Husband was a workaholic kind of, and I did everything at home, because I liked to keep active all the time. I was a keen gardener and into all the diy also, so it was great doing everything.

So what? Your situation is not the same as OP's, you weren't in pain. You've given no advice. What's the point of your post? Or did you confuse thus thread with one for sharing irrelevant anecdotes? 

@UncleBunclesHouse you need to sit down and have a clear chat with him. Start by asking him the next time he tells you to rest/says 'you shouldn't do that' ask himhow he expects it to get done if you don't do it? What is his solution to his wife being in chronic pain due to doing necessary chores? You need to make it clear that words aren't helpful, actions are.

If your spd is already flaring up, stop or you’ll be suffering by the end. With my first, no spd at all. With no.2 the effects of running around after a toddler etc really took its toll and I needed a belt really early on. By the end, it hurt a lot. If you can get a referral to a physio do it. I found it quite interesting that everyone in my class were second time parents. Most didn’t have spd in pregnancy no.1. There was one poor lady who had been on crutches since she was 8 weeks with her second.

@NiceGerbil 🤣🤣🤣 can’t stop laughing

@Sh05 it would only build up for me, I genuinely don’t think he’d notice. And I can’t leave the animals, again chickens would probably be dead for a week or two and he’d casually say he hadn’t seen them for a while!

@ShalomToYouJackie sounds very familiar. And love the username

Thanks @Ratatcat, this is good to know and we are just about to sit down for a ‘chat’ about managing the situation. It’s so frustrating but I really don’t want it to get any worse than this so I end up hobbling round all the time and can do even less