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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be so jealous/possessive? Are you?

16 replies

islanderin · 06/12/2020 14:38

my DP is constantly at the beck and call of women from his work on the farm, they have a facebook group and are often inviting him to places and events, I am not part of their hobbies and I feel consistently left out. When I mention this he asks what I have against a particular woman or activity and makes me feel threatened for my observations. There's no evidence of cheating, not that I've looked. It is getting to the point where I feel I can't be with him anymore as I feel so jealous and possessive, and I've never felt this way in any relationship before, have you...?

OP posts:
HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 06/12/2020 16:00

Have I ever felt jealous or possessive?No
No amount of possessiveness or jealousy will prevent infidelity. If a person is going to be unfaithful,they will and you’ll not stop it
You need to have a think,why do you feel like this?
Are you naturally a worrier or insecure? Has he given you an actual tangible reason to be jealous or possessive?
From what you say this is adversely affecting you

SchrodingersImmigrant · 06/12/2020 16:03

I eould also add to the quesyions above:

Do you have something yours to do? Like he has a hobby?

WorraLiberty · 06/12/2020 16:03

No, I can't say I'm really either of those things.

I've had friends who are like that with their DPs though and it nearly always boils down to them not having a social circle/hobbies of their own.

Do you have these things OP?

SmileyClare · 06/12/2020 16:06

Well most partners would feel side lined if they were consistently left out.

If he's regularly out with friends or hobbies, and you're not doing much together then that's maybe the problem. He's prioritising his group of friends and it feels like he'd rather spend time with them?

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/12/2020 16:09

If you have never felt this way before, I'd assume it's the relationship, not you. Which means you probably should end the relationship.

You talk about them having a FB group etc. but little about him. Does he always go when they ask, is he flirty, does he treat you well, does he prioritise time with you? All the things that help people NOT feel jealous.

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 06/12/2020 16:10

I have activities I do without my partner,I don’t want or need him in my activities
We aren’t glued at the hip. I have things I do for me, I don’t include him

itsgettingaberrylikechristmas · 06/12/2020 16:15

The more I read on here, the more I think women should be on their own. I'm sure a lot of us would be much happier, and more confident.

vanillandhoney · 06/12/2020 16:21

I don't feel that way now, but I have done in the past.

Looking back, it was a highly dysfunctional relationship and there were good reasons for me feeling the way I did. Are you and your DP generally in a happy place?

thepeopleversuswork · 06/12/2020 16:24

@itsgettingaberrylikechristmas

The more I read on here, the more I think women should be on their own. I'm sure a lot of us would be much happier, and more confident.
hear hear.

The older I get, the more convinced I am that women generally find their best version of themselves alone.

Obviously not all relationships are like this and you shouldn't have to feel this bad etc. But they are just such an emotional drain.

SmileyClare · 06/12/2020 16:24

I feel consistently left out. When I mention this he asks What have you got against this particular woman and makes me feel threatened

So if you mention feeling left out he accuses you of being jealous? He doesn't sound like a particularly nice person.

If he just wants you at home keeping house, cooking his dinners like his mum and for sex while he goes out to play, then tell him to jog on.

JovialNickname · 06/12/2020 16:25

Are you usually a jealous or insecure person OP, or do you think it's just this particular situation making you feel this way? A few years ago I had a boyfriend (we were both 33 in professional jobs). In his job he had lots of contact with the admin team who just happened to all be very young, giggly girls. I lost count of the times he was invited out / had to answer the phone to some 20 year old Suzy/Katy/Becky with lots of shrieking in the background. Was he doing anything wrong? No. Did I think he was cheating? No. Did I think it was slightly pathetic that these were his "friends" in his mid thirties, and that he'd run off panting like a dog at their every demand? Absolutely yes. Maybe you feel a bit like that.

firesong · 06/12/2020 16:30

If you're not usually particularly jealous, it's probably something to do with the circumstances at the mo

Does he invite you to join in? My boyfriend has a lot of female friends, but invites me along to lots of things.

If your partner treats you well and you don't suspect he is / has been cheating, then perhaps stop telling him when you feel insecure. It seems to make it worse because you then feel a bit pathetic Sad Maybe just do nice things for yourself and try to relax with the feelings. If that doesn't work, perhaps you aren't well suited.

Sparklesocks · 06/12/2020 16:41

I have felt jealous and insecure in my older days but it’s eased off as I’ve got older. I think part of it comes with better confidence in yourself.

I trust my partner implicitly so I don’t have any reservations about any of his female friends. I’ve also met them, apart from his colleagues, so it’s not like he has anything to hide.

But I also think sometimes it’s possible to feel insecure in relationships because your partner adds to that. Is it possible that’s the case here?

roarfeckingroarr · 06/12/2020 18:45

Your problem is your partner. He gets something out of always feeling wanted or needed by multiple women.

I don't feel jealous or possessive because mine doesn't act on a way that would make me insecure. I trust him. He talks to his female friends as part of groups or now and then, he doesn't have intense relationships with other women.

Skysblue · 06/12/2020 21:14

I don’t think you’re jealous or insecure, I think you’re hurt that your partner spends a lot of social time with other women and makes no effort to include you in it. Separate friends are normal at the beginning of a relationship but then, as time goes on, it’s natural to try to include your partner in your own social life. They could easily add you to the facebook group / chats and invite you to stuff, leaving it up to you to say yes or no.

I’m not saying he’s cheating but I think he is being weird and unfriendly and it’s natural that you find that hurtful.

Original poster
islanderin · 07/12/2020 09:19

thank you all so much, I feel this thread has been the kindest and most helpful I've read here... especially to me- @MrsTerryPratchett &@WorraLiberty so accurate that I DON'T have alot to do outside the house only church and art and a few friends, and so of course this will contribute to my focus on him- great advice ladies and thank you for your kindness

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