Help me decipher this friendship

[Tinselerama21]

I posted on here a long time ago about a particular friendship. I am still having issues with this person!!

Sorry it’s a long en original post www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3459083-To-be-offended-close-friend

So to pick up from the thread I took the Mumsnetters advice and just left it and concentrated on making other friends - best advice ever and through NCT and another baby group have met some what I think will be treasured and lasting friendships eventually. So thanks to those that suggested that.

Whilst some of the comments were quite mean I did what it says re this friendship and backed off. I got a hey how are you message about once a month until March then stopped replying. As was never anything more than that. She obviously didn’t want to be friends and that was fine so I essentially let her out of it. Weeks passed and I got a frantic message asking what was wrong why was I ignoring her etc. and also one from her SIL. I politely explained to both how I’d been feeling but kept it top line and didn’t go into specifics. She suggested meeting, I repeated the same to her face no angst v casual, she flat out denied, basically told me I was being stupid whilst at the same time going increasingly redder and more hot and flustered. I felt like she knew she’d been busted.

In the months that followed she started being a lot nicer and inviting me to things. I also continued to see friend Y separately quite a bit. Turns out they had regular Friday breakfast club Fried, friend Y and two other school Mum’s all nice, was added to WhatsApp group. Late 2019 friend also instigated a book group which had worked well and been very nice. Same people as this Friday breakfast club, plus friend X who can’t come to the breakfast club due to wk. And two other friends/colleagues of my original friend who lives across the other side of town, all very nice.

However this year I’ve noticed (and I know COVID numbers etc. and it’s not that) that I’ve started been excluded from things again. The odd thing will pop up on social media and it’s all the people as above and not me. Friend had a New Year’s Eve party again and we weren’t invited (everyone else in the book group was). The latest things was a walk, on Sat over the fields and marshes that are literally at the back of my house. Lots of lovely pictures posted on Instagram, mince pies mulled wine. All the people from the book group who live in the village - who I’d only just been conversing with on WhatsApp the day before. Who all live on my doorstep, having a walk on my doorstep and I wasn’t invited.

And before anyone starts with the stop behaving like a 14 yr old bollocks, I think it’s clear this is a bit shit and I can’t really ignore it!

I just feel so wrong footed all the time by this friend/friendship group, I gave this friend an opportunity to phase me out and I have some lovely other friends now so would have been relieved in all honesty. But it’s her that clung on. I mean all this year she’s made a weirdly massive effort as well me slowly being left out of things. Nice birthday cards and expensive presents for us all delivered to the house despite all the restrictions. Pass downs of expensive toys and clothes for DD which she could have given to others or most definitely sold. Again all delivered to the house. The latter I’ve been touched by. But then there’s this keeping me on the periphery socially. I just don’t get it. I feel horrible and anxious i can’t help feeling like that but don’t know whether it’s normal.

I certainly wouldn’t dream of doing this excluding and would be well aware of how it would look.

I just don’t know what to think.

Some people absolutely cannot feel good about themselves or their position in society unless they are in the act of excluding, isolating or belittling someone else. To those of us who have no interest in this sort of manipulative drama it is baffling. It takes us months, or years even, to realise it is going on because we try to rationalise the behaviour.

You have been demoted to the role of 'Poor Tinsel'. Worthy of good quality hand me downs but not of social invites. It's utter bollocks. But very common.

You are meant to feel there is something wrong with you. There isn't. There's nothing wrong with you. But drop them now. Immediately and totally. These days when the Instamums bounce up to me and breathlessly exclaim: We never see you now, I just say, no, we don't do we? Because I have zero interest in getting entangled in their dramas.

You already have other friends - not the shiny in your face crowd, but quieter, pleasanter mums from school, people with shared interests etc. You can join other book groups, or set one up yourself. You can meet other friends for coffee nearby. They think they are the centre of the universe. They are not.

The clue is that they jeffing post images of themselves eating mince pies on marshland on Instagram. How sad is that? When I go hiking with friends and eat something nice, it would never occur to me that the world would be interested in my snack. It's quite desperate attention-seeking.

@Labobo I had to laugh at the last part 😂. My DH said a similar thing!

It is baffling to me I don’t understand all the effort and presents but then being excluded or not being thought of for social things. The two things are at complete odds. DH said this morning but she hand delivered you a birthday card a week ago and sent you a message afterwards saying how well you looked. But then doesn’t want to see me socially

I'm sure you're going to get a bunch of arsehole posts telling you "you're not entitled to be invited to every meet up" and "groups of friends are allowed to get together without inviting everyone".

But you are right, the book group walk yesterday, right behind your house with posting on social media is shit. It's clear exclusion.

I'm really surprised that nobody in the book group mentioned it to you, and I'm sure one or two of them must have asked the organiser, either during the arranging, or whilst on the walk "is Tinsel not coming with us?".

So I would message the book group - "Looked like a nice walk yesterday, I'd have loved to have come along if I had known about it. Hope you all have a wonderful Christmas, best wishes".

And I'd see what the response was. It could be that several of the group were not aware that you'd been deliberately excluded.

She's keeping you dangling with the faux attention so that you stay in her sphere in order for her to exclude you.

She will also revel in telling others how much she does for you.

Block the cunt and get on with your happy, lovely life

You are on the hook! These people don’t really like you massively but keep you on the hook as it’s comfortable and they know you will always come running. It’s like you are second choice. People do it romantic and platonic relationships.

She’s keeping you just involved enough they can fall back on you if needed.

Your self worth isn’t based on how many friends you have, sack them off. You only live once and you will feel silly thinking you spent x amount of time even thinking about this person in years to come. You don’t have to be mean but always decline outings as you have better things to do with your time. Say hi and be nice but that’s it. You only live once and honestly they aren’t worth it. You will mentally be so much happy when you get rid and stop caring. Don’t unfriend but unfollow on Facebook.

Can I just ask if you ever initiate? Do you issue invitations? I was on the other side of this. I know that my friend felt like she was being excluded but the reality was that she never asked to meet up with me, it was always me issuing the invitations. And if x or y or z were the person organising then they didn't automatically include her but it wasn't for me to tell them who they had to invite.

Drop the rope she has you dangling from.

Shes clearly getting something out of this and you are not, so step away.

Exactly @SewingBeeAddict something similar happened about 6 months ago then I got all the message a nice hand down and I can remember thinking then just leave me alone, why won’t you let me go!!!

They don’t do they @Ilovesugar !!

Please don’t take this the wrong way, but it could be she doesn’t like you or feel as close to you as much as she’s making out.

And that’s not personal to you.

When she first moved you were her only friend, but then others came along so she formed a new group and didn’t want you part of it...not in a malicious way, she may just get on better or feel closer with the others.

I suspect that when you called her out, she felt terrible that she’s made you feel that way, hence why she went to such lengths to include you again and give you gifts, etc. And now she’s going back to her old ways.

I say that because I’m in a group of 4 where I used to be friends with all 3 separately at uni and then we all became a group after uni. Two of the three are my close friends but with the third, over the years I’ve realised I wouldn’t be friends with her anymore if it wasn’t for this group.

So sometimes I want to see the other two without the third, because there are personal things I want to talk about without her. And I just get on better and have more fun with the other two.

But, we would never post about it in social media so she doesn’t feel left out. I also make sure she doesn’t feel bad or aware that I feel that way, so I make sure every birthday, etc I make her feel special. She’s never actually done anything to me, and I don’t dislike her, we just don’t have that connection anymore and if it wasn’t for the group, I would not bother making the effort at all and let the friendship die out.

I wonder if it’s something similar?

@NotPrude I suspect so, but likewise I don’t mean to be rude but this is so horrible and calculating. Your ‘friend’ possibly doesn’t know but I do in my situation but I do honestly it’s making me feels horrendous that some could be being so manipulative towards me. On occasions I’ve felt sick to the point I can’t eat. It’s really very unpleasant being the pawn in someone’s game.

And in a wider context in friendship groups there’s always naturally one/two people you’re closer to and seeing them separately is normal. But when the whole group meets and not you then that’s shitty. I’ve given her plenty of opportunities to leave it. I’m not sure why she doesn’t take them if she doesn’t like me. I ignored her for nigh on 6 weeks. Yes I called her out but only because she wanted to know why I was ignoring her. I’d have been quite happy to leave it to fizzle.

I would disagree. She’s not a pawn in any sort of game and it’s not manipulative or calculating.

There are various things about my personal life I don’t want her to know and I don’t want to talk about with her. It can’t be a choice of speak to all 3 about it, or none of them, when the other two are my closest friends. I can stop being friends with her, but then the other two are stuck in the middle. And because it’s easier to talk about problems in person that on chat, it does mean I arrange dinners and evenings with the other two and not her.

Are you saying that because it’s a group, I am forced to include her in my personal life and my personal problems? Surely it’s my choice who I share my problems with, and my choice who I want around me when I go through something? That doesn’t make me horrible and calculating.

She probably doesn’t want to upset you or hurt you, just as I don’t want to hurt this friend.

if it wasn’t for the group, I would not bother making the effort at all and let the friendship die out.

I wonder if it’s something similar?

No, it's not similar at all.

The OP has given this friend ample opportunity to let the friendship die out. As soon as the friend realised OP was backing off, she went out of her way to reel her back in. It is manipulative and calculating.

People have different friends for all sorts of different reasons , not all of them are nice.
It sounds like she is enjoying this game and the feeling of control it gives her.
In , out, in ,out .
Its a game with these type of people.
You feel sick because you cant imagine treating someone like this.
You cant control how she behaves, only how you behave.
Drop the rope and step out of her game.

Cut ties with all of them. She probably won't play cat and mouse again because if you drop her twice, she's been rumbled. She will just move on and do it to another person in the group if you won't play along.

It's only hurtful because you keep expecting her moral values to be in line with your own. They're not and never will be.

I have a friend who still hangs on by a desperate unhappy thread to the insta-fun-mum group. They are awful to her. I am not as close to her as I would be because I don't want even bland news about my life being picked over by them, so I keep her at a friendly distance. But I do wish she'd drop them and hang out with nicer people. (They are her best friends but can never make it to her birthday or Christmas parties.) Don't be that person. You sound lovely and worthy of much better friends.

It is baffling to me I don’t understand all the effort and presents but then being excluded or not being thought of for social things. The two things are at complete odds.

This is to screw your mind. They must be lovely to remember your birthday like this. So it must be you who are unlovely and unworthy of sharing their gorgeous society. Get worried: are you socially inept? Do you smell? Should you be thinner? Wittier? More glittering in your career? Did you offend them? Accidentally sleep with a husband of theirs?

Have you watched Motherland? These strange women are rife. I was so lucky at school and uni - I just never mixed with any - all my friends were lovely, loyal people, or fell out with me for good reasons. It wasn't until I met a crowd of school gate mums who sucked you in and spat you out and bitched as though they'd mastered the art of circular breathing, that I realised such people existed. Now I just think they are an anthropological oddity that amuses me from a distance, except when they bully the sweet woman I mentioned above.

@NotPrude

I would disagree. She’s not a pawn in any sort of game and it’s not manipulative or calculating.

There are various things about my personal life I don’t want her to know and I don’t want to talk about with her. It can’t be a choice of speak to all 3 about it, or none of them, when the other two are my closest friends. I can stop being friends with her, but then the other two are stuck in the middle. And because it’s easier to talk about problems in person that on chat, it does mean I arrange dinners and evenings with the other two and not her.

Are you saying that because it’s a group, I am forced to include her in my personal life and my personal problems? Surely it’s my choice who I share my problems with, and my choice who I want around me when I go through something? That doesn’t make me horrible and calculating.

She probably doesn’t want to upset you or hurt you, just as I don’t want to hurt this friend.

But the OP's 'friend' can just back away. As can you. Be friends with the two you like and leave her out. If the other two like her then they see her without you. If they don't then she's lost everyone, but you can't keep pretending.

You’ve explained it hurt your feelings and she has persisted. There is one thing doing things as a smaller group and there is quite another plastering things over Instagram to purposefully let people know that they were excluded - why else do you post things if not to say look at the fun I’m having (and pointedly in some cases without you) - it’s pathetic. So the new tactic has to be drop the rope. However, you should absolutely feign ignorance if she asks you about it. A quizzical look and a head tilt to every single question she asks you. Always be unavailable and if she absolutely corners you one day, cancel when you’ve come up with a good enough excuse. Be lovely to her and the others, but drop them. Life is too short. I know it’s game playing being nice and you’d prefer to tell her the truth, but that didn’t work. Let her know you’ve dropped her through your distance, just always with a smile on your face.

Block them all, sound like dickheads

These type of people will never tell the truth because they dont see it the way you do.
Essentially she is making herself feel better by doing this so in her mind it is justified to behave in this way.
Agree with the post upthread about messing with your mind.
Its a sort of hoovering technique ( look up what this means in psychology terms) to reel you back in then bam!
Shes excluded you again.
Abusive people are never always unpleasant or they would be rumbled very swiftly .
There are often gifts, flattery etc. In between to keep you hooked and so others can see how nice she is.
When you complain it will be "oh but Wendy is so nice, she gave you gifts"
Its very manipulative.
Please step away for your own good OP.
It will only get worse.

If she lives locally to you and you enjoy her company - and others in the book group - just regard her as a casual acquaintance and join in with stuff you enjoy (and are invited to) but don't fuss about whether you are invited to everything.
You have a widening circle of friends , so does she - no need to invite each other the everything, or live in each others' pockets.