To think that dads that have buggered off are sometimes easier?

[Gigheimer]

Inspired by another thread - obviously the option of cohesive brilliant married parents, or a 50:50 solid separated co-parenting set up is the ideal.

But that aside AIBU to think sometimes they just buggering off is easier?

Ex is feckless and useless, loves them but isn’t capable of being a proper dad, sees them very sporadically, has never paid and it’s Hard with no break.

BUT the more I hear from online and friends about the push and pull of people in terrible marriages trying to balance the kids. Or parents who have separated with a bloody nightmare ex partner fighting over everything, trying to make decision after tiny decision with someone they hate. The more I hear the more I think at least I make every decision and have total freedom of parenting.

AIBU - no having the other parent there is always best

AINBU - it is easier to parent alone sometimes

Should also says mums too, have a male friend where his issue is the mum, less frequent but does happen!

I agree, a close family member of mine has had both (3 kids, 2 Dad's) and says that it was easier to cope as a single parent with DC1 than it was to co-parent for the other 2 as she was able to just get on with things and manage plus there was no worry of the other parent letting them down with visits etc.

But at the same time she did enjoy having that little bit of freedom when they were at their Dads so I can see that side too.

Being required by family court to "coparent" with a man who continues to abuse you and also badly abuses your child is exhausting and heartbreaking - and utterly futile. Back to court again, and again, and again just for life's basics.

YANBU OP.

My DS used to come back from his 'fathers' crying, begging for food and in the same nappy he left in. I gave ex an ultimatum: pay CSA or walk away and never come back. He chose the latter (if he'd chosen the former I'd have gone to court) DS is the happiest child, remembers ex vaguely but always says 'I don't like ex' it's been 10 years now and it's bliss....

Best for who though? My ex has been absent more than he has been around and it’s affected my children badly, my daughter use to cry her eyes out begging me to find her a dad, asking male teachers at the school to be her dad, it was awful. Obviously an absent father is better than an abusive one though and I don’t think anyone should be forced to me a parent if they don’t want to be.

My DMum's bio dad asked DGran for a divorce in a time when that didn't happen. She agreed on the condition she never saw or heard from him again. He kept up his end the the bargain. DM says she's had periods of time when she was sad, or regretful on his part, but overall she thinks life has been better.

As a dad, i could never understand how a father could just walk away, the thought of never seeing my child again would destroy me!

@bookriddle ex has another child with the woman who was cruel to my son (turned our he was working the 5 hours a week he had DS and left him with her) I have reached out a couple of times as DS has health issues but he just moves each time

BookRiddle I don’t get it either, ex even says sadly he is missing them grow up. But changes nothing.

Slightly off topic, but I’ve never understood the 50:50 is ideal rhetoric. I think that is true if coparents get on well, can see the kids in one home etc but I am a strong believer that kids need a home. A base.

Shipping them between two homes cannot be ideal. It must be massively unsettling. My brother in law and sister and law separated for a while. They did 50:50 with their child, who was 4. It was awful. He didn’t know whether he was coming or going and used to cry at nursery pick-up time because he didn’t know who was picking him up or where he was staying that night.

I coparent really with ExDP. He's always been consistent with the DC, with paying child support and is actively involved in their lives.

ExH, however, walked out when I was pregnant and has never bothered. Thank fuck, because he is an addict who hid it from me, abused me and is just generally a waste of skin. He would be a terrible parent and would cause untold damage to my DC.

Yep. Our lives have been a million times easier since my DCs dad stopped bothering. He stopped paying CM but I haven’t put in a claim because the hurt and trauma he caused the Dc is never going to be worth that and I can’t risk him coming back and demanding his pay per view access.

@AddisonM I agree. I am divorced and we agreed that it would be best for DS to have a main home "base", for practical reasons we decided my house would be best as ex works unsociable hours/shifts and I work office hours. DS goes to his dad's for overnights regularly but we don't do 50/50 as we don't think it's in his best interests.

As to the original question, it depends on what the NRP is like. I have no relationship with my father through my own choice but it has really fucked me up emotionally having a father that wasn't interested in me. Unfortunately children will always suffer if their parent makes no effort.

I can see your point OP in some situations. Like anything else its situation specific.

Exdh is reliable but very much Disney dad. He can't actually parent but I thank my lucky stars he hasn't abandoned DC because it would destroy them. He turns up , he remembers birthdays and Christmas etc and he genuinely loves them , granted he is incapable of getting them to a birthday party, doesnt know the name of their school and they would end up with rickets if they are the way he fed them permanently, but he is there and he loves them so in his case its better that he is there.

Dp talks about his df and for a short period his df attempted sporadic contact and on one occasion it meant his sm was able to be abusive. Dp breathed a sigh of relief when he finally disappeared, dp is firmly of the belief it would have been far better for him and his db if his father had just disappeared at the beginning and not screwed with their heads.

My Dad, a retired FE teacher (still with mum) has always argued (for 30 years that I remember) that the best thing for a man who leaves the family home to do is to bugger off completely and leave mum to get on with things, whilst supporting his children financially. He argues it's only their own selfishness that makes them want to stay involved and that the kindest thing for the children is to make a clean break and avoid all the conflict and confusion that comes from feeling torn between two parents. I've always told him he's completely and utterly wrong.

However, a couple of years ago, I was part of a very small scale (but sadly far too large) study into shockingly high levels of teenage suicide in our county. Schools felt they were being unfairly blamed for putting too much academic pressure on kids or not dealing with bullying properly and wanted to find out what common links there were with the children we'd lost. 19, in a period of 18 months

The children came from a wide variety of backgrounds, some affluent, some deprived, some did well academically, some struggled, some excelled with sport and others didn't, some were popular with strong friendship groups, others loners. Only 2 had reported bullying and 4 were regularly in trouble at school.

The only things we were able to establish that they all (yes all 19) had in common was that they had parents who had separated with both parents still fully involved and that they had a history of self harm, although some of that was very historic.

Now, obviously there's no scientific proof that this is anything more than a coincidence, but 100% in a sample of 19 is statistically significant. Very many families manage these kinds of arrangements successfully, but I do know from my work with teenagers that even when things appear to be amicable, they feel very conflicted and under pressure with regard to divided loyalties. They also feel a lot of pressure to pretend that they're happy with arrangements where they are constantly moving between homes etc.

I agree with you. My ex is an absolute nightmare (as is my current partner, to be honest!) I used to have a friend who doesn’t know the identity of her fathers child, so theyve always been alone, and I honestly envy her.

@Waxonwaxoff0@AddisonM

Completely disagree, me and EXDH separated when DD was 4, she is now 15. We have always have 50/50 shared custody and has not effected her she has two ‘base’ homes (seriously what does that even mean ) She is a wonderful, well adjusted, bright girl who always knew ‘where she was going each night’ dramatic much!!

What an amazing piece of research becomes stronger. This is an area that we could do with a lot more insight into.

Yes, I agree and 50/50 seems very damaging to a child.

Damaging in what way @Wishitsnows

Evidence of this damage you speak about?

@janetmendoza

What an amazing piece of research becomes stronger. This is an area that we could do with a lot more insight into.

Unfortunately it seems to have stopped with the schools being able to comfort themselves that they're not to blame, but I agree, especially as 50/50 or thereabouts, currently seems to be most people's idea of a perfect arrangement. It might seem "fair" for the parents but I do wonder if it's best for the child.

It very often better for the mother. For the kids, it really depends. Unreliability is tough but abandonment often worse.

Definitely better in our situation that ex has nothing to do with my son. The first 4 years of him being in and out were dramatic for our child and made him very unhappy. 7 years of no contact and my son is now happy, healthy and doing really well.

Each situation is different some it works for when the children see both parents but some it doesn’t.

I don't know my two adult DC have different fathers. DC1 has maintained strong links but feels they are not a positive as the father is a negative person.

DC2 decided to cut ties as a teenager and won't consider trying again. DC2 feels the lack of A father, but not that father.

It depends on the NRP, and the RP.