AIBU for not accepting my brothers toxic gf

[HappinessSeeker]

HappinessSeeker

Hi,

Long story short, my brother is in a toxic and mentally abusive relationship. I have been there to pick up the pieces many times. However, after the birth of their dd they decided to get back together for the sake of the baby. I have not yet met his 4 month old daughter because I refuse to accept his gf in my life after everything she has done- abuse, threats and stalking of both my brother and family whilst they were not together. Threats that nobody would see the baby unless he got back with her and that she knew people who could harm us for keeping her away from him. Lies about the baby’s health to get people to worry, requests for money for extravagant gifts for the baby despite all of the above and other all round craziness.

Now, I have accepted that I cannot keep my brother away from her. He is an adult and must make that decision for himself. I do however want to have a relationship with both him and my niece. Am I being unreasonable for asking my brother to meet with me for half an hour without her, so I can meet my niece and catch up with my brother (who I really miss!).

Currently I am in the wrong for asking this as he says I should accept they come as a package and I will only get to see my niece or brother if the gf is invited too. The gf will not let him go anywhere alone with the baby- she said if he dares meet with me then she will come in the car and wait in the car and he has no longer than 2 mins with me. My brother thinks I should invite her to make things easier.

Our parents and my other siblings have all tolerated the gf through fear of losing my brother or the baby. I feel like as a family we shouldn’t be supportive of such toxic behaviour.

Am I being unreasonable?

I think if this was the other way round and it was an abusive man telling a woman she couldn't go anywhere alone with the baby, see family on her own with baby, history of abusive controlling behaviour etc there would be uproar, its quite sad that it's being tolerated within your family. I don't think ybu at all

It sounds like it could be potentially dangerous to ask that of him.

In your shoes I would just be civil to her for the sake of the relationship with my brother and niece.

It sounds like she is trying to cut everyone out of his life, and he is in a dangerous place if she achieves it.

It sounds really tough for you all

In refusing to see her you’re sending a strong message that her behaviour is intolerable. The rest of your family continuing to socialise with her is a sort of gaslighting. Keep the lines of communication open with your brother, but don’t push to meet him and your niece.

At 4 months old I wouldn’t have wanted my baby to go somewhere without me tbh. I think you need to be a bit patient for a while or take him up on the offer of meeting all of them

You cannot force a woman to be separated from her baby because you want to play with the baby!

You can ask your brother to meet you without his partner and without the baby, but if he is trapped in a toxic relationship, he may not be able to.

You are not unreasonable to hate this woman for how she treats your brother, but I think you might have to suck up being around her and pretending to be civil for the sake of not letting her isolate your brother from you. It's hard.

You can’t force her to let you see her baby.

See your brother sure but don’t expect to see the child of someone you don’t like frankly. Most mothers wouldn’t let their babies toxic or not see someone who hated them and very much wanted the relationship to end. I wouldn’t trust you.