AIBU to try and make my daughter nap?

[MagicCurses]

My daughter is 17 months old has has up until now been mostly a fab sleeper. Self settling for bedtime and naps and rarely any night wakings. However she started with a runny nose and decreased appetite last Saturday so 7 days ago and since then it’s gone downhill. She napped Saturday and Sunday and took over two hours to settle for both of the naps and the night ones. Then slept 12 hours both nights. Then Monday Tuesday and Wednesday didn’t nap because she was so difficult. Thursday she napped fine but took ages to settle at night. Friday she napped but took a while then was okay for nighttime sleep. Yesterday (Friday) she took over two hours to get to sleep and was crying every time I left the room. Today she hasn’t napped again and started to cry when I left so I gave dummy and left and she’s so exhausted that she’s passed out okay.

Her molars have just broken, she still is quite bunged up. All week she hasn’t had a before bed bottle which is very unusual for her. She usually self settles but won’t be left and I’ve tried CC but it seems to prolong everything then the next day we’re back at square one. I know she can self settle as she has a few days this week but the past two days she has been a nightmare. Last night after two hours I held her and she fell asleep on me. Tonight like I say she absolutely exhausted so I don’t count that as a win.

Am I unreasonable to carry on putting her down to nap when she fights it so hard. Ie throwing her dummy out of the cot instantly. Crying. Screaming like she’s being tortured. Another thing she used to say night night when she wanted to go to bed but now refuses to say it. I think it’s behavioural but my partner thinks it’s her being unwell and her teeth.

Am I being unreasonable to make her nap? I’m sure toddlers of 17 months still need naps but with her nighttime sleep being okay is it something I should just drop and see how it goes? Will she loose the ability to self settle if I do this and she’s always so exhausted by bedtime? She is okay behaviourally in the day and still eats normally and is pleasant to be around until around 5 then she starts getting cranky. She has phases in the day where she gets cranky but I don’t want to try and force her to nap for her to get upset and then cause issues at night iyswim.

Any and all advice welcome,

A very tired mum of a toddler and a 2 month old 🙏

I second the Huckleberry app, it's amazing at giving you a rough schedule based on age, it would also be very useful for your 2 month old.
If she's fighting her nap it could be that you're trying to put her down too early and she's just not tired enough yet. What time does she wake up, nap and go to bed?

Do you have a sling? Put toddler in sling on your back and then carry on looking after baby, meals etc. No doubt she wants to be as close as possible to you as is desperately jealous of the baby, as well as poorly and teething.
Forget ideas about sleep training etc, rules you 'should' be following-this is just survival right now!
Cut back in all other jobs . Let the house get messy. Eat cheese sandwiches, tinned soup and fish fingers only with regular takeaways! Take a multivitamin and eat fruit, you'll be fine.
Then explain all this to oh- you have to do mothering all day, he has to do cleaning everything at weekends. Or is there someone else who can help so you can dedicate your time to the children?
Really I sympathize, such a small gap between them must be blooming exhausting.
Yes co sleeping looks like the way forward.
If you were to nap in the day I'll bet your toddler would snuggle up too and you'll all feel better after a bit of rest. Go from bed to sofa and stick on some kids telly. Cut your self some slack. Try to get a break completely when you can -even 15 minutes can be massively beneficial in terms of rechargingbyoye batteries

Thank you for all your replies. I’ve just logged this week in huckleberry and signed up for the monthly subscription so hoping they come back to me with something as they offer a sleep analysis. She really won’t sleep with me and if the tv is on she won’t lay down and be still she’s constantly into things taking things apart and putting them together again. No she’s not acting up because she wants to play but she is fine then we go to her room after she shows signs of being tired usually same time everyday always has been really we tried later nap time and it was a disaster. She isn’t jealous. She loves her sister and to be honest she gets more fuss anyway as the baby is generally asleep for large portions of the day. Just never seems to be at nap or bedtime for my toddler ha. Like if I put her down she screams and cries to get down what do I do? I sing to calm her then after w few mins she’s back screaming again wanting to get down and out of her room. I do give nurofen or Calpol 10-30 mins before sleep when she needs it. Which has been a fair bit lately with her teeth and being unwell. As for ear infection my doctor won’t see anyone in surgery so it’s all over the phone. She does pull on her ears a fair bit but she always has.

So her general sleep schedule before this was;

7-7:30 wake up
12 nap for 30mins - 1.5 hours then started sleeping consistently at least 1.5 hours a few weeks ago
6:15 bath and bed usually asleep by 6:45

Now it seems to be up at 7-8 depending on what time she went to bed. Nap at 11:15-1 maybe if she naps then bed same time. Today she was up 7:45 wouldn’t nap at 12 then asleep by 6:40

No 18 month old needs a dummy

There are 15 months between my two and when my little boy was around that age I used to do cuddle naps on the couch. Feed baby to sleep and then in basket and then cuddle the oldest. Meant I got a nap too! It worked for us and lasted a good few months. I have never done self settling and this seemed like the best solution for us

Sorry, I haven’t read everything but have skimmed and nobody seems to have mentioned that lots of toddlers have the 18m sleep regression. Could it be that? Because it could be a case of riding it out as best as you can and then it may just end!

@Corner13 she can have it until we decide. The dummy right now isn’t my issue. It gives her comfort and she doesn’t understand oh you can’t have it anymore. Why would I cause her more upset.

@peanacat yes I have read that and to be honest she was a bit hit and miss with the last sleep regression which only seemed to affect her naps so could be I hope. But the issue is I don’t know what to do. If she protests should I just get her out or what.

It’s such a hard thing to decide isn’t it 😩 Mine has just turned 19m and has been a pain with sleeping for the past month or so. She has also had colds mixed in with that but for the most part I’ve tried: shoving her in bed with us when she wakes and won’t go back to sleep, one of us taking her down to sleep on the sofa while the other gets some sleep, and then swapping out, or letting her get up and play for 20 mins and trying her back in the cot after that, cuz she plays but is constantly rubbing her eyes etc so is clearly tired. It’s really hard to decide what to do. We were just hoping it was the sleep regression and it does seem to be turning a corner. We were literally just trying anything we could to survive it, and praying it’s temporary, but I understand its difficult to know. I was also worried about her losing her ability to self settle, but she has been fine for a few nights. (Though by no means are we out of the woods yet!)
I feel for you having a baby as well though, I’ve only got her and the sleep deprivation has put me off having another! 😬

It sounds like it is probably her teeth/being ill that is disrupting her napping, but maybe it is worth putting her down for her nap later? My daughter is nearly 17 months and has a much longer awake stretch before her nap (up at 5.45am, naps around 1pm)

@peanacat she doesn’t actually have any trouble in the night sleeps a solid 12-13 hours so it’s literally just naps and getting her down to sleep some nights that’s the issue. @Arrow03 yes I’ve tried longer stretches but that seems to cause her settling to nighttime sleep to be a nightmare. It’s so hard.

Oh I see, sorry, clearly my skim reading wasn’t good enough 🙈 hm that is difficult. My 19m wakes around 6-6:30 and naps 11-1 so seems a bit longer apart than yours, and recently we’ve had to push her bedtime back later to about 7:30pm (but probs falling asleep around 7:45-8) as she won’t go down at 7 anymore. Would it work to try for a later nap, and potentially wake her up at a time where she normally goes to bed fine?

Napping is such a minefield! Hopefully it will be a short lived blip and things will improve really soon!

All mine quit naps forever around that age
I would just sit down with baby BF/cuddled & toddler leaning on you while you read stories.

Also is she getting as much fresh air as she did pre baby? It makes a massive difference to how mine slept but tricky when weather is vile & you have a wee one too.

@peanacat that’s what I’m hoping will work. Maybe try her at 1pm if she gets up at 7-8am then letting her have an hour and up again for bed at 7pm

@Gibbonsgibbonsgibbons not really with fresh air no as she has had a cold and I haven’t wanted to make it worse to be honest but the day she woke up sick was the day it all started - she’s getting better but still snuffly but obviously I don’t know how she feels in herself. Just giving nurofen when she seems to need it but it’s really hit and miss. This week if she naps it seems to screw her bedtime.

Honestly she doesn’t sit still I’ll read to her but then she will want to kiss the baby and try and feed her give her a dummy 😂 stroke the cats. Kiss the cats. Have a drink. Dance. Everything she never ever stops.

She sounds like fun magic
Maybe just ride it out & hope things go back to her normal once she’s feeling better? New sibling (there is a point when they realise the usurper isn’t going back!) plus a bug is bound to throw a curve ball unfortunately.

@Gibbonsgibbonsgibbons would you still put her down to nap and try and settle her and then get her up? Would this not show when she’s better she can just cry and get up? I’m at a loss I don’t want her to be sad and upset but I know she needs to nap it’s just really taking too long with the baby. She adores her though she’s constantly running when she cries with dummies and bottles and clothes trying to give them to me and blankets. She honestly adores her so much more than I expected.

I’m afraid I’m not the person to ask as mine only slept on/with me so our baseline is different iyswim.
it was like a switch they didn’t nap one day & that was it as if they had discovered the world went on without them & were determined to stay awake thereafter my second would occasionally fall asleep in a 4oclock car in the couple of months after which made for hellish bedtimes...

On the self settling, I had to walk mine in a buggy for naps at that age but bedtime was ok. I’d just suck it up for naps. It’ll only be for a few months probably. Just if this makes it easier to actually get her down for a nap.