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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be very annoyed at DH

18 replies

coralpig · 05/12/2020 15:42

This might be sleep deprivation talking but I’m miffed at DH. We have 18 day old twin boys who are currently quite needy and want holding or feeding or changing round the clock. I’m bf and expressing and recovering from a section. My mum came up after birth and was very hands on with house work. I get on well with his mum and agreed to his mum coming for a few days too and she arrived today. We have a shift system between us so that we both get a bit of sleep. He takes 11-3am ‘shift’ and gives bottles of my milk (I often have to express in the night but this is easier than boob feeding as they are a bit premature and struggle). I then take 3.30am onwards shift. today I let him sleep in til 9am - they were mega unsettled through this time and I was also up at midnight in a lot of pain and expressing but I managed to put on some laundry and sterilise some bottles. I woke him up at 9 saying I really needed a nap- got an hour- then we were due out with some friends for w walk. Since his mum arrived at lunchtime he has gone out to the bakery and then spent 2.5 hours trying to set up the coffee machine that his Mum has bought him. I’ve been feeding and changing constantly whilst also entertaining his mum. I’m annoyed and I’m knackered as he’s not pulling his weight today and I’m feeling unwell- he knows this- I’ve had to supervise his mum as she’s constantly asking for reassurance with the babies whilst also feeding and expressing. It’s only day 1 and I want my house back Aibu?

OP posts:

Sirzy · 05/12/2020 15:45

Leave them with Nan and go for a sleep? Tell her to call him if she needs a band

londongirl12 · 05/12/2020 15:46

18 days, I don't know how you're out walking, I stayed in the house a month! Have you been direct and say you need a lie down? Even ask him mum if she'll mind watching them.
You're doing amazing, I struggled with just 1 DS, let alone 2!

MajorMujer · 05/12/2020 15:47

YANBU at all. Tell him now that you need to rest & then do it. If he moans or faffs remind him that your milk supply could drop off unless you get rest.

Veryverycalmnow · 05/12/2020 15:50

Very different having MIL there instead of helpful mum by the sound of it. Your partner needs to step up. Hope it gets easier soon.

SinkGirl · 05/12/2020 15:51

Oh OP, hugs to you. I have twins and also had an emergency section and premature plus quite a lot of time in NICU for one of them. Even when your partner is pulling their weight, the slightest thing will push you over the edge. It’s so shit when you have to wake to express even if they’re not awake - mine couldn’t feed directly and I pumped every two hours round the clock until they were 7 months old and it definitely did not help my mental state.

Tell him you need to go for a lie down and will be going after you’ve fed / pumped, and he and his mum can handle the babies for a couple of hours. Then he can go after you if he needs to.

Divide and conquer and get through this, that’s the best advice I have for you.

SinkGirl · 05/12/2020 15:52

Oh and we didn’t have any family to help or to stay - my mum passed aways and MIL didn’t visit until they were 3 months old. I wouldn’t have done well having her there either as she’s not very hands on, and what you need at this point is actual help!

PlanDeRaccordement · 05/12/2020 15:52

YANBU but I think most of the problem is MIL being over, not your DH. As he wouldn’t have spent 2.5hrs messing about with a coffee machine of MIL hadn’t brought one over. I’m sure she did it too because she wanted coffee while at your home. Which is why DH is feeling a need to get it running for her. You’d probably be coping better without MIL being a useless guest.
Then too you have twins which are much much harder as newborns than a singleton. I know as I flew out and stayed with my sister until a month after birth when she had her twins. Her and her DH always had a baby attached to them and I got on with the housework, laundry (cloth nappies), grocery shopping and cooking for them. I held the babies now and then when one or the other needed a shower or held/walked both of the twins so they could have a private time together. Twins never seem to feed or sleep at the same time. As soon as one is fed and sleepy, the other one is hungry and awake.

Smallsteps88 · 05/12/2020 15:54

@Sirzy

Leave them with Nan and go for a sleep? Tell her to call him if she needs a band

This.

Just tell him you’re off to bed.

Missgemini · 05/12/2020 15:55

OP, this must be so difficult. I'm 6 months post partum, but still remember how tough those early days were. I only had one baby as well, so you must be knackered!

You have to say something asap. If you don't rest, you'll have a breakdown and won't be able to look after your babies.
Your husband and MIL are there. I know how protective we women can feel with our babies, but you need to tell one or both of them that you're knackered, leave them with bottles and go and sleep until you wake naturally. You need the rest!

Missgemini · 05/12/2020 15:56

Oh, and you're not here to entertain your MIL. 18 days post partum, she needs to be helping you or she just goes home. You're not being a perfect hostest 18 days after c section!

Possums4evr · 05/12/2020 15:57

She will get more confident with the babies as time goes on - especially if she's left to mind them for a bit.

MrsBrunch · 05/12/2020 15:59

I’ve been feeding and changing constantly whilst also entertaining his mum.

Why? Just go to bed if it's his shift.

Nottherealslimshady · 05/12/2020 16:25

Hand babies over to MIL say "if you need anything just ask DH." And go to bed. There are two adults available, they're capable between them, you need some rest.

LannieDuck · 05/12/2020 17:26

Tell him to leave the coffee machine. He can do it when the babies don't need anything (... which might be a while..!)

2bazookas · 05/12/2020 17:27

MIL might not be ideal but she's better than nothing. So don't send her away.

Forget the laundry and sterilising bottles , perfect jobs for MIL. I'm amazed you feel like going for a walk with friends (or anyone). 10 minutes walk in the fresh air by yourself would help clear your head; just tell DH and MIL you're going and go.

Leave the nappy changes to MIL and DH; they can teach each other.
Let them make all the meals and do everything domestic
Let other people take the load (and don't organise it for them ). They 'll work it out. If DH needs telling to pull his weight, leave that to his mother. She's been a new mum, she knows the score and can get him up to speed.

Whenever you get chance , just go to your
room, lie down on your bed and relax for a few minutes. Eat chocolates and mincepies and listen to music.

Your tasks are limited to

Self care
healing your belly.
Catching up on sleep/rest
Expressing milk
Feeding and cuddling those gorgeous babies.

BonnieDundee · 05/12/2020 17:30

Agree with go to bed. And due to go on a walk with friends at 18 days? You cant commit to stuff like that for a while.

billy1966 · 05/12/2020 17:38

OP,
Please take every opportunity to rest and heal.
This is critically important.

Leave him and his mother to it.

You can't do it all and if you try, you will suffer.

Congratulations

Backbee · 05/12/2020 17:40

Hand babies over to MIL say "if you need anything just ask DH." And go to bed. There are two adults available, they're capable between them, you need some rest.

Yes, this.

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