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Original poster

To follow the threat of grounding through

19 replies

polkadotpjs · 05/12/2020 12:45

My teen has pushed it today snd been really rude- breakfast and lunch delivered to him, refusing to shower , shouting " get out " if Ed go in (shared wardrobe in his room", taking food with one hand while looking at screen
Longer term it's going to have to be neals with us downstairs, manners or sanctions but today I snapped at the final "get out of my room" and said he can't go to the park to see friends (all Covid permitted here)

He's now gutted and saying he is going and we can't stop him. DH says ban Xbox for 2 days and let him go. I say no. What say you? My head is fried and I want my nice child back. He's 13 if that helps

OP posts:
DDiva · 05/12/2020 12:54

Why are you taking food to his room ?

I do think you should always follow through threats.

However is it the end of the world if he dosnt shower today ? If you dont take him food he'll soon be out to get it.....

Unless there are other bigger attitude problems this seems a bit of an over reaction.

Gatehouse77 · 05/12/2020 12:56

Absolutely follow through otherwise you undermine yourself.
🤷‍♀️

MojoMoon · 05/12/2020 12:58

You said it so you need to follow through.

Discuss with your DH a range of sanctions that you could apply in future scenarios, in order of severity, and agree that you will back each other up on it.

user1274245 · 05/12/2020 12:59

I think you need to get some perspective back.

Also, what's with the shared wardrobe? Do you knock before going into his room or just barge in whenever you feel like it?

MojoMoon · 05/12/2020 13:01

And decide what your red lines and and what to ignore

Not showering - leave him to it, it's his body and he'll learn he smells (someone in the family can point out to him when he does)

Being rude or aggressive - absolute red line, sanctions will be applied

Bad table manners - point out he looks like a toddler and then leave him to it

The shared wardrobe in his room sounds a pain - he probably wants some privacy to do what teenage boys do and not have people knocking at the door wanting to get a shirt. Can you possibly rearrange this so it's not there?

DimidDavilby · 05/12/2020 13:02

Why are you delivering him meals Shock

But also the shared wardrobe thing sounds like a recipe for disaster

Always follow thru or you undermine yourself

Original poster
polkadotpjs · 05/12/2020 13:07

Yes the wardrobe thing is a pain. It's built in wardrobes d DH and I have only one wardrobe in our room so have a lot of our stuff in there. I think I can resolve that and we have been knocking - I only go straight in when I know he's gaming (can hear him talking fo friends ).
I struggle to think straight when angry and DH is making me more angry than DS tbh. He's like a child himself but has issues going back to his childhood he needs to deal with which I think impact how he parents

OP posts:
TooTrueToBeGood · 05/12/2020 13:09

My first rule of parenting was don't make threats as there is an implied notion of choice. If I decided to tell my children to do or not do something it was not up for debate or negotiation. So simply saying "No, you're not doing......" is much clearer and definite than "Well if you do ..... I'll do .....".

My second rule of parenting was that if you break rule 1 then bloody well follow through. There is nothing weaker than a parent who makes threats they can't or won't keep and they invariably get walked all over. It's not about being authoritarian either. It's about giving children fair but firm guidance and coaching as they develop into adults capable of making good decisions for themselves.

Please also tell me that your child hasn't been present when you and your husband were disagreeing over how to sanction him. That just show the pair of you up as being divided and any child with an ounce of game will exploit the hell out of that. Disagree in private if you need to but in front of your children you need to show a united front.

formerbabe · 05/12/2020 13:11

I think removal of outdoor exercise, socialising and fresh air is a terrible punishment for teen boys...my ds can be similar in terms of behaviour but getting outdoors, running around and letting off steam improves his behaviour.

CoRhona · 05/12/2020 13:20

The wardrobe thing is terrible, he must feel like he has no privacy. Could you swap rooms?

Original poster
polkadotpjs · 05/12/2020 16:21

Duly noted and we will move stuff out and change things around so only rarely used things live in his room. I'm surprised it's got such a strong reaction as my house as a teen was pretty much open access but I hear you and will try and sort it out ASAP so us going in is minimal. No DH and I argued about it in hissed voices away from him downstairs.

OP posts:
lyralalala · 05/12/2020 16:25

You should never be walking into his room without knocking. That’s really rude and it basically shows he has no respected personal space

RedskyAtnight · 05/12/2020 16:29

I'd suggest you need some ground rules. Why are you taking meals to his room? At 13 he can either sort his own food, or you all sit and have a proper family meal together. Personal hygiene is obviously necessary, but he should be given autonomy over when he chooses to shower. If he's really smelly, then that might be "shower today" but not necessarily "shower right now". See that you've noted the point re giving him privacy (I also lived in a house where everyone barged into my room as a child; it was not ok).
I agree you have to follow through with threats, but banning him from going to the park and seeing friends feels like a really bad idea at the moment - he has limited enough opportunities to do things as it is.

Leaannb · 05/12/2020 16:31

Stop being rude to your child. Regardless of what he is doing in his own room you need to knock..I would apologize for that behavior

Original poster
polkadotpjs · 05/12/2020 16:50

I have already said I've noted that he needs his space. Ive spoken to him and explained we will make it more private

OP posts:
BefuddledPerson · 05/12/2020 16:54

You maybe need higher standards of behaviour generally. My kids have never had a meal taken to them unless ill - they come downstairs to eat.

Macncheeseballs · 05/12/2020 16:55

I'd take screens and meals out of his room

user1493413286 · 05/12/2020 17:07

You’ve said he can’t go and he’s said he will anyway so you’re thinking about backing down? I can’t see how that sends a good message; maybe it wasn’t best consequence but I think you need to stick with it now.
Also don’t see the issue about your stuff being in his room.

KatieB55 · 05/12/2020 17:48

Definite no to delivering food to his room unless ill. If he won't come downstairs at meal times then switch the router off!

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