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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husbands previous relationships

21 replies

Charteris1 · 04/12/2020 22:52

My husband and I have been together for 16 years, married for the last 6. We have 3 children together. Tonight, he has just told me about a couple of previous relationships/fondles (however you would like to describe them) with 2 women who I don't particularly get on with. I feel like he has just dropped a bombshell. I have previously been friends with these women and recently drifted apart/fallen out with over the last 2-3 years. I just don't understand why he never told me before??? I have asked him, to which he replied 'it wasn't important'.....I feel physically sick. Am I being over the top when I say that I feel annoyed in the fact that he never told me any of this until now? We are currently sat here in silence! I feel awkward and I don't like it! Opinions please

OP posts:

whitewineandmagnums · 04/12/2020 22:53

In all honesty? If it was before we were together, it wouldn't bother me at all!

Ohalrightthen · 04/12/2020 22:54

Have you given him a complete rundown of every man you've ever fondled?

TheNewSchmoo · 04/12/2020 22:54

I wonder why they never told you either.

nancybotwinbloom · 04/12/2020 22:56

He may of not wanted to say anything at the time in case it jeopardised his relationship with you when it was new.

You've been together a long time.
Maybe it's played on his mind all this time.

He should of said at the start or kept his mouth shut.

Anordinarymum · 04/12/2020 22:56

I think in retrospect he will tell you he thought it was a good idea to tell you at the time and now can't think why he thought like that.

PinkiOcelot · 04/12/2020 22:56

Is this before you were together? If so, it’s really not relevant is it?! Why is he mentioning it now anyway?

nancybotwinbloom · 04/12/2020 22:57

I can get why your pissed off.

But, put it in perspective and forget it.

Merryoldgoat · 04/12/2020 23:07

I wouldn’t care at all. In fact, I shared a house with a woman my (now) husband had slept with before we got together (I knew about it).

She was great. She sometimes came and got into bed with us to watch shit movies whilst we shook off hangovers.

nancybotwinbloom · 04/12/2020 23:14

I think op he is trying to do the right thing by you.

Maybe it would of been better if he'd said nothing. Maybe he should of told you Yeats ago but I think he's trying to be honest in a cack handed way.

16 years is a long time.

It's not worth getting the arse over it now. It as 16 years ago. Your not friends with them now. He's told you. Nothing to worry about here.

nancybotwinbloom · 04/12/2020 23:15

Be pissed off by all means but try not to be pissed off with him.

Tea3 · 04/12/2020 23:25

He should really not of told you now , why bother after all these years?

thepeopleversuswork · 04/12/2020 23:46

I really couldn't get that worked up about stuff that happened before we were together.

LouiseTrees · 04/12/2020 23:50

I get it. I’ve also been with my husband 16 years ( well actually 17 years). If he told me relationship with an ex I didn’t like happened 16 years ago i night Ed be slightly miffed he hadn’t said anything but I could not get worked up about it. He loves you, married you , had kids with you. These short dalliances before you were going out were not serious relationships and meant nothing to him.

CoronaBollox · 04/12/2020 23:54

If I had regular contact/friendship with the person I would be confused as to why he hadn't mentioned it. What you're feeling is normal imo.

Heyahun · 04/12/2020 23:59

Seriously what are you mad about? He didn’t cheat on you - you can’t do anything about someone’s past / who they previously slept with.

What difference would it have made if he told you about it sooner? I don’t really understand - would you have not went out with him if you knew?

Pyewhacket · 05/12/2020 00:02

You're not just being unreasonable, you're being stupid.

Stellaroses · 05/12/2020 00:09

I've actually been on the other end of this situ, except we had only been together for about 3/4 yrs when I told DH. I didn't think it was a big deal and he'd never asked about exes, this particular one had always been more of a friend really. DH took it really badly and I was really really unimpressed with his reaction. For one thing, it was totally meaningless (the ex). For another, I didn't even know DH then. It was completely in the past. He got over it but I thought the reaction was really immature and unattractive.

BadLad · 05/12/2020 00:09

@Merryoldgoat

I wouldn’t care at all. In fact, I shared a house with a woman my (now) husband had slept with before we got together (I knew about it).

She was great. She sometimes came and got into bed with us to watch shit movies whilst we shook off hangovers.

She came round and got into bed with you and your husband?

AliceMck · 05/12/2020 00:10

I’d be a bit miffed given these women have been in your life but wouldn’t dwell on it. I’d want to know why he’s all of a sudden decided to tell you though.

Groovinpeanut · 05/12/2020 00:14

Were you talking about ex's or dalliances? Or did he just randomly blurt it out?
If you asked, and he told you... Then he's done as you asked.

Everyone has a past, and people are part of that. He's been with you for 16 years!
If these things happened before his relationship with you, then what's the problem?
Are you going to even things up and reveal all of your foundlings?

Merryoldgoat · 07/12/2020 12:29

@badLad

She lived with me in a house share - we had next door rooms. Back in the day when we would have all been out the night before my (now) DH and I would frequently lounge around in bed with pizza, tea, toast etc watching boxed sets and getting rid of a hangover.

If she was also in a similar state she'd come and lounge around with us. Not at all sexual (although I see how my previous post sounds) but more all sitting on the bed with covers, watching 24 (showing my age) or West Wing and just chatting.

We were all part of the same large friendship group.

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